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I made a decision this year: I am going to have sex.
Yeah, okay, so I’ve actually made that same decision every year for the past umpteen years now. But this year I really mean it. (Yeah, okay, so I’ve actually really meant it every year I’ve made the decision. But this time – you know what? This could go on endlessly. Let’s just stop here and bust out of what looks like it might be a ridiculous spiraling cycle. I’m not even going to close the parenthesis.
In late January, stuff happened that made it seem very likely that I’d be attending my first ever KinkFest come March. I’ve wanted to attend Oregon’s annual BDSM conference ever since I first learned of it’s existence years ago. And now it looked like I was actually going. Workshops. The chance to learn all kinds of stuff. The opportunities to network and meet people. Hopefully make some friends. Find a toehold on the edge of the local community, a place from which I could eventually become a part of things. That was the reality of the situation as I saw it. It wasn’t however, what I was expecting.
I’ve got this small problem with my brain. It tends to run out far ahead of the dictates of reality and dance around in some kind of fantasy land. And it’s from that position that it forms my expectations. As I’m trying very hard to focus on the thoughts of meeting people who might eventually lead me - in some six-degress-of-seperation fashion - to finding a sex partner, my brain is running around, kicking up it’s heels and screaming, “Yee-haw, we gonna have us some sex at the ‘Fest!” (Yes, my brain will sometimes speak in a fake Texas accent. I don’t understand why, either.)
Stupid brain kept feeding me the notion that the event would be jam-packed full of hot females with the fetish for fat men, and that they’d be throwing themselves at me. Try as I might to keep myself grounded in reality, I couldn’t help but think that I was going to lose my virginity at KinkFest, and leave the event having met several future sex partners.
I think that it was this unrealistic fantasy life I found myself trapped in that was the impetus behind the creation of Zeitgeist the Clown’s 2008 Uberlist. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of the big U, the story is that it started with some college students back in late 1994. College students that thought that New Year’s Resolutions were incredibly stupid, but whom really liked making lists. So, come New Year’s, instead of making a bunch of resolutions that they knew they’d just end up breaking anyway, they each made a list. “95 Things to Do in 1995.” The first Uberlists. The next year is was 96 things to do in 1996. It became 100 things to do in 2000, and this year it’s 108 things to do in 2008.
I’ve done a couple of Uberlists over the past several years. Never really accomplished more than about a fifth of the tasks I’d set out for myself, but it still gave me goals to work towards. There was a 2008 Uberlist in place for my normal life already. (One of the items on it being “Perform Some Kind of Sexual Act that Requires a Partner”) But in early February, my fantasy-addled brain decided that there needed to be a separate Uberlist specifically for my sex life. 108 Things for Zeitgeist the Clown to Do in 2008.
This project was started late at night. I’d like to think that I would have had more sense during the daytime when I was closer to having gotten sleep rather than closer to needing more. The list was continued, and finally completed over the course of the next two (late) nights.
The list is quite ridiculous is some aspects. I was apparently trying to not list out incredibly bizarre things, given that this would be my ‘loss-of-virginity’ year;. There are things I fantasize about doing that aren’t on the list because they seem more ‘advanced’ than ‘beginner’. So already I’m trying to list out a full 108 sexual tasks while limiting myself in what I was willing to ‘realistically’ set as goals.
Everything on the list has some connection to sex, although not everything on the list is an actual sex act. Losing weight to more easily have sex is on the list. Writing erotic stories to submit to Literotica.com is on the list. That kind of thing.
Anyway, after KinkFest was over, and I had neither lost my virginity nor collected contact information for a variety of potential booty calls, my brain calmed down a bit, and admitted that maybe the Uberlist was a bit premature, all things considered.
I was planning on attending Darklady’s annual “Masturbate-a-Thon” party at the end of May (National Masturbation Month), but my plans fell through at the last moment. In the party information and FAQs I’d received prior to the event, I’d been informed that the party (which was to run from 8:00 pm until 2:00 am) would be masturbation only until midnight. No penis/vagina or penis/anus contact. After midnight, anything goes. And once again, until the discovery that I wasn’t actually going to the party, my brain was dancing around like a moron singing about how I was going to get laid.
Leading up to the party, I reexamined the Uberlist, and decided to pare it down somewhat. Turn it from a 2008 Uberlist into a Top Ten list. The top ten ‘adult’ activities I wanted to engage in this year.
I’d like to be able to report that I picked and chose keepers and eliminated non-keepers from the list based on both my most fervent desires and the more realistic natures of some goals over others. But then I reread everthing, and . . .
I really want to have sex with a woman all painted up in full clown make-up. I mean, this is something that I really, really, really want. But it seems like a situation that I’m unlikely to just stumble onto. So I left it off the list. But now that I stop and think about it, I’m not sure what makes me think I’d be less likely to get a yes answer to the question “Will you clown up for me?” than “Will you let me pee on you?”, and yet the watersports thing made it to the Top Ten list. Huh. I guess if I end up checking items off the list this year, I’ll need to put more thought into next year’s Top Ten list.
Anyway, here are the ten items that remained from the source material of the Uberlist . . .
01.) Lose Virginity. Item Number One on the list is indeed item NUMBER ONE on the list. If I had to further edit it down to a Top One list, it would still be “01.) Lose Virginity”. And just to make sure that we’re on the same wavelength here, for me to consider my virginity lost, I need to have engaged in classic, penis-in-vagina sexual intercourse with a woman. (And after having had that initial bout of sexual intercourse, then I’d really like to have lots and lots more, in an effort to make up for all the time I’ve lost by not having been fully sexually active much, much earlier in life.)
The next two items on the list finalize the Top Three List, but switch places with one another depending on my mood. Taking them in the listed order . . .
02.) Suck on Bare Female Toes. I’ve been aware of my foot fetish since I was in high school. At some point in this blog, I mentioned an largely unrequited attraction to a friend of Mom’s from work (whom I’ve since decided to refer to as “Dot” here in the blog.). I was able to get my hands on her bare feet, . . . but just my hands. Years later, I once started to lick CJ’s feet, but was stopped because it “felt too weird”, and was never allowed to try again. I want to lick and suck on clean bare female toes. I want this very badly. It doesn’t seem to me like it would be that much to ask of someone. And yet, the common reaction I get is what I’d expect if I’d asked them to donate a kidney – to a cadaver. I just don’t get it.
[UPDATE!: As all my faithful readers know – yes, both of you – I finally accomplished this long-held goal at Darklady’s Polyween party. So now I’ve got something I can put a checkmark next to on the list. It’s only a virtual checkmark, though, as the desire in the number two slot has just slightly changed to “Suck on MORE Bare Female Toes”.]
03.) Lose Anal Virginity. Yes, it’s true. I sometimes fantasize about getting fucked in the ass. Sometimes my fantasy partner is a beautiful woman with a strap-on dildo. Sometimes it’s a she-male. (I was reading something about the appeal of she-males once, and there was a line to the effect of, “After all, it’s not gay if it’s a girl’s dick.” That cracks me up.) Sometimes it’s the other standard option. Anyway, I want to experience it. I want to know what it feels like. I need to know whether or not I like it. And so, that first time (or only time, or however it works out), all I know is that I kind of want it to be a real cock. An actual flesh-and-blood-engorged penis. No strap-on. And while the hot she-males are still in the running, I’m fully aware that the most common source of a properly compatible penis is going to be attached to a gay, bi, curious, or experimental adult human male. It needs to be disease-free, condom-covered, and well lubricated. (And not too big. I know that anal is a mix of pain and pleasure, but the purpose is to see how much I like the pleasure, not how much pain I can take.)
Numbers four through ten on the list are in the order of importance that I put them in the day I finalized the Top Ten list. I thought about shuffling them around later that night when it occurred to me that I really wanted to do this one more than I wanted to do that one, or vice-versa. But really, I could reorder these last seven every time I turn around. It’s important that they’re on the list, not necessarily the order that they’re in.
04.) Fist a Woman. This has been a long held fantasy of mine. Not simply fingering, but putting my entire hand inside a woman. Now it’s become unfinished business. During KinkFest, I attended a workshop very cleverly titled “Puppetry”, which was a hands on (more accurately, “hands IN”) demonstration of fisting. A woman called FemCar did this presentation, which consisted of her stripping naked, talking a little bit about her experiences with fisting, taking questions from the audience, then laying down and asking for interested parties to come up and put their hands in her. I was about midway through the line, so I missed out on all of the slowly-loosening-up-the-tight-vagina stuff, and when it was my turn ended up just sinking my (latex gloved and lubed) hand partway into her. Four fingers weren’t a problem, and I could get just past the first joint in my thumb, but then could get no further. After both her and I pushed and pulled, we gave it up and she called, ‘Next’. I left dejected, fearing that my hand was too big to ever reach my goal. But I’ve read up on fisting since then, and reexamined what I was doing vs. specifically what I should have been doing, and I now want to give it another try.
05.) Start Taking Erotic/Pornographic Photos. The whole point of owning a digital camera, some would say, is to be able to take dirty pictures without having to worry about the guy at the photo developing place leering at them (or making his own copies to jerk off to later – and then trade with friends). I have a digital camera, but I have no one to take naughty photos of. Truth be told, I do actually have some artistic aspirations here. I’d like to get into nude photography. I’ve got ideas for artistic erotic photo, and photo essays, and the like. I’d like to find willing people (mostly women, but sometimes man and woman combos) to strip down and let me photograph them. I’d like to develop some decent photography skills so that I might someday produce something approaching ‘art’. That being said, I’d also like it if I could get some really hot chicks to strip down and pose for me so that I had some snapshots to jack off to later. I had several different line items on the Uberlist that dealt with the need for willing nude models. Including a need for willing adult female models who only really needed to be nude from the ankle down. And yet, so far the only nude photos that my camera has taken have been of me. Weird.
06.) Get a Blowjob. I suppose that should read, ‘get a complete blowjob’. I’ve had a half a blowjob before. As a matter of fact, I’ve had a half a blowjob on several different occasions. But this is one of those times where mathematics fails us. One-half blowjob + one-half blowjob DOES NOT = one blowjob. The first and last half of a blowjob are not interchangeable. The last half – so I’m told – includes an orgasm for the one being blown. I have yet to experience that. And as the blowjob is usually considered one of the fundamental building blocks of sexual activity, I think it’s about time that I experienced a complete one. And I’m more than willing to trade oral favors, providing that nobody minds safe sex precautions being taken (and can explain to me how the heck you use a dental dam).
07.) Write on a Naked Woman. I started fantasizing about writing poetry on the bare back of the girl who sat in front of me in one of my high school classes. I think that’s where this started for me. I was in one of my poetry phases, and I just wanted to pull her shirt off, unhook her bra, and start composing poetry on her bare skin. (I don’t think the fantasy ever had me walking around to leer at her breasts or anything . . . I just wanted to use her flesh as a medium for my words.) Years later the internet showed me a series of photographs of a young woman wearing nothing but a ballgag and felt-tip marker ink. Some of her body parts wore labels, some of her body parts bore instructions. The word “slut” was used often in her display of submissive graffiti. I told the internet how much I liked them, and it has since occasionally shown me other pictures of women with things written on them (in marker, eyebrow pencil, lipstick, etc.), and it never fails to arouse me. It’s something that I want to do for myself. I want to strip a woman, uncap a marker, and introduce one to the other. Sometimes I want to label body parts and write instructions. Sometimes I want to tell stories. Sometimes I want to just be weirdly creative. The fantasy always includes taking out the digital camera and capturing images of my handiwork. Sometimes after the photography is over I take her to the shower, lovingly clean her up, and then bring her back to where she started, once again a blank page, and uncap another marker.
08.) Engage in Watersports With a Woman. This is actually a bundled version of three items off of the Uberlist. “Watch a woman urinate”, “Urinate on a woman”, and “Have a woman urinate on me”. (Yeah, toward the end I was kind of stretching things out to fill all 108 slots.) I’d talk more about this here, but I’m planning an upcoming post on watersports, so I’ll save my thoughts (and desires) for then.
09.) Play Strip Poker. I like looking at naked women. The women in magazines and in porn videos are nice. But women in real life are SO much better. Not that I’ve seen very many. Before this year, I’d only ever seen one naked woman in person. I’d seen one additional woman mostly naked, but that ‘mostly naked’ was collected from bits and pieces. (Saw her tits one time, saw her bush another time, saw her bare legs and feet on several occasions, never did see her bare ass, never did see her exposed with legs spread.) Then I went to KinkFest and saw quite a few naked women at the two nightly play parties. And now I want to see naked women in one of the classic American settings. I want to play strip poker. I want to watch girls boldly peeling off clothing at the end of bad hands. Shy girls slowly undoing buttons, cursing their fate. And yeah, I’m aware that I’ll have bad hands, too. I go back and forth between having exhibitionist urges and wanting people to see me naked, and having the realization that I’m a massive tub of lard who is woefully uncomfortable in his own body. But I think that it’s worth the gamble for a chance to see the women. And besides, along with everything else I’ve never done, I don’t like being able to say that I’ve never even played strip poker before.
10.) Spank a Woman on Her Bare Ass. I’ve actually done this before, but not for years and years. I liked it, and want to do it again. My little BDSM encounter at KinkFest with the wooden paddle, and the woman with all of the restrictions who was bound to the spanking bench made me really want to put the paddle to a nice bare ass. Or just use my bare hand on her bare ass. Ooh, or a ping-pong paddle! That would be good. I’d like to get a whole box full of spanking implements, and find a woman who’s really into getting spanked.
Those are my current ten most wanted. The activities that I’ll be ecstatic if I get to do sometime soon. The activities that I’ll probably be a little depressed if I don’t.
KinkFest has come and gone. I missed the Masturbate-a-Thon party. The Asylum’s Halloween party was relatively uneventful. Darklady’s Polyween party finally put a checkmark on the list. Yay!
I tend to spend all of my time alone. But . . . Darklady is throwing a New Year’s Party I’m hoping to find a ride to on December 31st. So there’s another opportunity for face-to-face (flesh-to-flesh) social interaction on the horizon. And I’m once again somewhere in between trying not to get my hopes up that anything will happen, and the stupid dancing brain thing. But we’ll see.
If our society didn’t count via a base-10 system – and therefore like things that end in a zero – this would have actually been a top eleven list. There was one item that almost made the cut, but was so definitely number 11 on the list of 10 that I left it off. The activity is something that I’ve done before, although the wording is more befitting the whole BDSM code of behavior.
11.) Make a Woman Use Her Safeword By Pinching Her Nipples