Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Misconceptions and Context

I recently started a couple of threads on FetLife.com to pimp my blog. And I plan to continue doing this periodically. If I post a topic here in Time Delay that would be appreciated by a specific group over in FetLife, I’ll probably start a discussion thread and give them a link to it.

One of the two blog posts that I’ve already done this with was the “Watersports – A Jar of Piss vs. What I’m Really Into” post. In that post, I talk about how watersports has always been presented to me as being a dominance and submission activity, and a definite BDSM activity. (I then go on to explain that my interest in the interaction of urination and sexual activity runs more along the lines of intimacy and connection than the whole dominance and submission thing.)

So anyway, I start a blog pimping thread in the ‘Watersports’ group on FetLife, include a link to the appropriate post, and then wait to see what happens. The very first reply to the thread was a comment I hadn’t been expecting. Not one I’d been expecting at all.

My ego was prepared for ‘Loved it! You are now my god!’. My insecurities were primed for, ‘Hated it! You suck! Stop writing!’. I was also prepared for, ‘Meh.’. But I really wasn’t expecting this . . .

“Wish i could read it all but you lost me when you said pee play was a D/s thing... Not in my mind.. its a very intimate thing but necessarily D/s thing...... but i do like your writing”

(Actually there were a couple of typos in his comment that I’ve cleaned up. I write all my stuff in Word, which has a spell checker, enabling me to look like I have a far better grasp of how all words are spelled than I probably really do. FetLife has no spell checker. Plus I’ve got raging OCD regarding typos. “Aaaarrrgh! OCD Smash!”)

The second comment started out by telling the first commenter to go back and read the whole thing, as my viewpoint was also that it was an intimate activity. (Whether or not the first poster did, I don’t know.)

Anyway, this whole thing got me thinking about misconceptions. And that made me decide it was time to pull this particular topic off the ‘future posts’ list and write it up.

The ‘D’ of D&S, the ‘S’ of S&M

I am a dominant. I am a top. You can add whatever addendums to those that you feel you need to. Inexperienced. Theoretical. Novice. Newbie. Long-time conceptualist, first time practitioner. Beginner. And so on.

But however limited my experience at this is, I see myself as the one in control. I am the one holding the leash. I’m the one wielding the paddle or flogger. The one giving the orders. The one binding, dominating, and exhibiting a little bit of sadism.

In addition to my interest in BDSM, I’m also a kinkster/fetishist. Now, as near as I can tell, BDSM and kink/fetish are two completely separate things. Sure, you can interlace one with the other, but each can also stand fully well on it’s own.

Take, for example, the previously discussed concept of watersports. Pee play is either a kink or a fetish (depending on who you’re talking to and how you are defining all your terminology.) As a fetish, a lot of people (apparently more than I’ve been led to believe) engage in it as an intimate sexual practice. But when incorporated with BDSM, the function of pissing on someone typically becomes an act of dominance.

Here are some of the things I’m into . . . I really want to fist a woman. I like the concept of erotic roleplay. I want to write obscene things on a naked woman with felt markers. I’ve got a thing for redheads. I really like the little schoolgirl outfit. I like a woman wearing glasses. Bridal lingerie turns me on. Clown make-up (oh, God, the clown make-up!). Other kinks. Other fetishes. Some intended as simple extensions of basic sexuality. Some intended as components of BDSM. Some doing double duty, as either/or. The list goes on and on (and on and on and on . . . )

Can’t forget watersports. Oh yeah . . . and feet. Definitely feet.

Bullshit That I’ve Been Told

Last year at KinkFest, I was listening in on a conversation that was going on nearby, when I heard this odd little sound bite: “You can’t have a foot fetish and be dominant.”

I sat there and waited for someone else in that group to correct what seemed to me like the stupidest thing I’d heard all year, but instead, everyone seemed to agree. “Yeah,” one of the others sitting there said. “Foot fetishists are all naturally submissive.”

If they were being sarcastic, it was impossible to tell. They seemed dead serious. They talked about that for a few more moments, and then someone changed subjects. I wish that I would have leaned over and broken in. I should have very respectfully and politely said something like, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear what you were just talking about just now, and I was wondering, WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?”

It kind of saddens me that I didn’t. Because if they’d have been willing to explain their point of view (and listen to mine) I’d have liked to have the conversation. I think part of the reason why I didn’t speak up was because I was really just kind of stunned at their basic premise. I mean: I’m a dom, and I’ve got a foot fetish.

Of course, if they could have convinced me that their point was valid, I suppose it’s possible that I would have simply ceased to exist, so maybe it’s a good thing I kept my mouth shut after all.

Little Bits of Information About Me

I want to lick on a woman’s bare feet and suck on her toes.

I want a woman to urinate on me.

I want to be naked and down on all fours while a woman wearing a strap-on dildo fucks me in the ass.

Context Matters

The fact of the matter is that I don’t consider any of the above-mentioned activities to be submissive in and of themselves. Context matters. As kink/fetish activities, they’re simply things to do (or have done to you).

But even when incorporated into BDSM play, I don’t see them automatically being submissive acts on my part. (I see very little that’s ‘automatic’ anything as far as it’s placement on one side or the other of the dominant/submissive divide.)

It’s not what the act is, it’s how the act is presented. At their core, ‘dominance’ and ‘submission’ are simply states of mind. And ascribing those labels to fetishes varies depends on the specific way the fetish is to be used in a scene.

The Foot Fetish Thing

Sucking on pretty bare toes. It’s been a lifelong (sex-lifelong?) dream of mine, and last November it finally happened for the first time. And as I sat there on the floor with GWTISO(not her real name)’s toes in my mouth, I did feel gratitude toward her for making the whole thing possible. I didn’t, however, feel submissive to her.

Yes, she was in a chair and I was seated on the floor, ‘at her feet’. But that was just the easiest way to get her toes and my mouth to line up in the most efficient manner.

When foot fetishism is included in BDSM, it seems like the typical form it takes is the sub sucking in his/her master/mistress’ toes. Or the helpless bound ‘victim’ being forced to lick the feet of his/her captor.

I want to play with a submissive female. And when I do, it’s very likely that I’ll suck on her toes. In my head . . . in the fantasy . . . she simply says, “Yes, Master,” and does what her dominant asks of her. I tell her that I want to suck on her toes, and she offers them up to me. She submits her feet for my use.

But if, during the scene negotiation (or whatever boundary-setting procedure we end up going through) she questions the thought of the dom sucking on the sub’s toes, based on the common conception that it’s ‘supposed’ to be the other way around, there are always creative options and scenarios that can be brought into play.

Personally, since I don’t have a functioning sense of smell, I’m not big on the whole scent aspect that typical foot fetishists are. So the simplest scenario would be to have the sub wash her feet at the beginning of play, and then incorporate me sucking her toes as part of a thorough ‘inspection’. (With punishment ensuing if she didn’t do the job to my satisfaction – and I do like to spank . . . )

Objectification is a nice aspect for this, too. The typical ‘dom treating the sub as nothing more than an object’ turns into the dom treating the sub as nothing more than a pair of feet (with extra flesh and bones attached that aren’t even worth his time and effort to deal with).

I know that a lot of women don’t like feet – particularly their own. “My toes/my feet” is a common answer on “what do you consider your ugliest body part” surveys. Which means that forcing your sub to surrender her feet for erotic attention – especially if being told that they are not just her best feature, but really, her only decent feature – could be a very interesting exploration into humiliation play.

Other Acts Put Into Context

Bladder control. I’ve seen this listed as a dom/sub activity. The sub can only relieve herself with the dom’s permission. If the dom says no, then she holds it. And if she can’t hold it? If she ends up having an accident, she usually gets some punishment.

Bladder control and pee play could dovetail into a single activity. If she has problems holding it in when she doesn’t have permission to release it . . . well, she might pee her pants, but she certainly wouldn’t piss on her master, would she? No, she wouldn’t dare do a thing like that. Not knowing what sort of punishment that would deserve.

Me, sitting naked in an empty tub, or on a tarp, or whatever. Her at the edge of a bench just above me. Her bladder full. No permission given. The sink faucet running. And me reading watersports erotica out loud.

When the inevitable happens, the key is to go ballistic. “You’re pissing? On ME? Me, of all people? Fine, if that’s what you think you should do, then go ahead. Piss on me. Go ahead, piss on my chest. Piss on my cock. Piss until you’re empty . . . and then we’ll see what happens.”

‘What happens’ is that not only do I get a woman peeing on me, but I get to dole out punishment as well. Anything from simple retribution (peeing on her – “see how you like it!”) to spanking or flogging to the more oddball punishments like I-don’t-even-know-what. (But something weirdly creative, no doubt.)

And as for the desire for a woman fucking my ass with a strap-on . . . the woman isn’t a fem-dom. She isn’t even dom. Outside of BDSM, she’s just doing me a favor. Just butt-fucking me. It’s just a sex act. But inside BDSM . . . heh. I’ve got a post in the works about my humiliation fetishist friend I was exchanging emails with, and I wrote her a scenario that ended with her putting a strapped-on dildo up my ass. But that action was the end result of a humiliation scene designed to strip away her femininity. (I’m sure that I’ll recount the scene in more detail in the next week or so when I post that piece.)

Hey, Wait a Minute – This Isn’t the Spot Marked By ‘X’!

This is one of those posts that didn’t really arrive at the destination indicated in my notes.

Sure, for the most part, I did what I set out to do here. But I’ve still got unused subject headings like “Bottoming from the Top (or Other Weird Directions)” and “Switch-Curious”. And my notes make reference to eating pussy and performing rimjobs. Among other things that never actually made it from my head into the post.

Huh.

I’m not sure, but I think I may have the seeds for a whole other post here. Gonna have to put some of this back up on the drawing board and see what happens.

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