Friday, May 22, 2009

National Masturbation Month

I haven’t really blogged about anything in quite some time. Not counting the May 20th post – which was really just a list with a little bit of commentary, and I can do that in my sleep – my most recent post was over three weeks ago. And the one before that was nearly a month earlier. (Fuckin’ bronchitis.) So . . . I’m off my blogging game. Out of my blogging groove. I’m covered in blog rust. Lost my blogging chops. And so on and so forth. Seems like the perfect time for a ‘triumphant return’.

An Excuse to Touch Your Naughty Places (for 31 Days in a Row)

When asked, I’ll usually reply that my favorite holidays are Halloween and Christmas. But despite how much effort I put into costuming and how much candy I eat, regardless of how many decorations I hang and how many presents I buy, the truth of the matter is that the ‘holiday’ I end up celebrating the most is National Masturbation Month.

Why? Because the point of NMM is to masturbate, and I tend to masturbate a lot. (Not just during the month of May, either. I seem to be perpetually horny. And I have no sex partner. So I frequently find myself in the situation where erect penis meets palm of hand and . . . well, jacking off occurs.)

This is the section of the blog entry where I’d talk about the origins and history of National Masturbation Month, but . . . once again, I’m writing this from home at night. And my sole means of internet access is in the library, open only during the daytime. (Sigh.)

Previously on Time Delay . . .

I’ve talked about masturbation here in the blog before (usually simply in passing, although one time it was the subject of it’s own post). Like I said: perpetually horny with no partner. And this is a sex blog. In between musings about aspects of kink and fetish and BDSM, when it’s time to talk about my own sex life, what else am I going to say?

I’ve explained how during my junior and senior year in high school I would jack off in locked classrooms (I had keys) and in the girl’s locker room. I’ve talked about early masturbatory inspiration found in the ‘Letters to Penthouse’ section of magazines found under Dad’s side of my parent’s bed. I’ve revealed the fact that I even started masturbating to the occasional letter with gay content, once I discovered that – if I was in the right mood – they aroused me as much as the far more plentiful straight letters did.

I’ve talked about my beliefs regarding the masturbatory (and/or sexual intercourse) requirements inherent in my vision of what BDSM play should entail. I’ve mentioned age-play masturbation fantasies. I’ve recently whined about the difficulty in jacking off with lungs full of bronchitis-supplied flem (and other disgusting gooey things I kept hacking up).

I’ve mused about my desire to watch a woman masturbate with a cucumber, a banana (oh, God, yes, with a banana!), and – even though I’m aware that it’s a big no-no because of the “vagina + sugar = yeast infection” equation – one of those foot-long, inch-and-a-half thick peppermint sticks you can get during the Christmas season.

I’ve wished for specific masturbation toys (both in the previous post, and in a letter to Santa from last year.)

I’ve even discussed the masturbation habits of Benjamin J. Grimm, the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed Thing of the Fantastic Four.

[Huh. Until I skimmed over my list of previous blog entries just now, I hadn’t realized that I talk about masturbation about as compulsively as I perform the act. Weird.]

Twitter and the Masturbation Count

While it’s taken me this long to get off my ass and write an actual blog post, I have been doing something relating to National Masturbation Month and the internet. I’ve been updating my Twitter account from my celphone. Each and every single time I’ve jacked off during the month-long event, I’ve sent out a ‘Tweet’ alerting the populace.

(Which, as I sit here writing this – the evening of May 20th – has been a total of 31 times thus far.)

I’m not telling elaborate masturbation stories or anything. With a mere 140 characters, I really can’t. I’m not explaining where I’m jacking off, and what fantasy is fueling the effort. I’m pretty much just announcing that another masturbatory act took place, and leaving it at that.

I can’t imagine what the people who have started following me this month must be thinking. 31 jack off tweets, and 1 tweet reminding people that it was the anniversary of the death of Jim Henson. Yikes. I must be mad.

Define Masturbation

Just what exactly is ‘masturbation’, anyway?

Different things to different people, I suppose. Generally, I’ve always understood it to mean manual stimulation of the genitals (usually your own, but sometimes someone else’s). Jacking off, or fingering yourself. Jacking someone off or fingering someone.

I jack off (a lot). I fingered CJ a few times, long, long ago. (Fingered her pussy, stroked her clit, caused her to make a variety of noises.)

I’ve also understood the use of sex toys to be in the ‘masturbation’ category. Fucking a rubber pussy. Fucking yourself with a dildo. Things like that.

But there are people out there for whom the definition of masturbation is pretty much any sex act that isn’t PIV intercourse. “If it ain’t fuckin’, then it’s just masturbatin’.”

So: Jacking off, fingering, use of imitation vaginas, dildos, and vibrators . . . oh, and tit-fucking, foot-jobs, blow-jobs, pussy-eating, butt-fucking, and every other orgasm-inducing NON cock-in-pussy form of sex play. All simply masturbation according to some definitions.

Masturbatory Goals

I have goals pertaining to the concept of masturbation. (Especially if the definition of the act is loose enough to incorporate any and all sex-type acts that aren’t the classic PIV fuck.)

Some of these goals are things I want to do. Others are things I officially want to do. (Yeah, there exists a list of 39 things – mostly kinky and/or sexual – I want to experience this year.) But the blog post on National Masturbation Month seems a reasonable place to talk about my masturbation goals, doesn’t it?

In absolutely no particular order: I want somebody to watch me jack off. I’ve developed these occasional exhibitionist urges, and those urges sometimes make me want a live audience while masturbating.

I also want to be a live audience (or part of same) for someone else’s solo sex activities. A masturbating woman is just unbelievably sexy. And I’d kind of like to watch a guy jack off and shoot his load, at least once.

I’m not really looking for a handjob. Oh, I’m sure that if I was aroused enough by a woman who offered me one I’d probably accept, but one of the things I learned during my encounters with CJ was that if I want to reach orgasm, the hand on my cock needs to by my experienced hand.

Fetishist that I am, however, . . . I really, really want a footjob. And I honestly don’t see that being that far off of the legitimate masturbation chart. ‘Please jack me off with your hand’ vs. ‘please jack me off with your feet’. Please jack me off with your sexy bare feet. Please jack me off with your sexy bare feet, alternating between the oh-so-soft soles and the underside of your toes with their brightly painted nails . . . huh? What? Oh, sorry. Got sidetracked for a moment.

Since we’re on the topic of the foot fetish, I should also mention that I have this fantasy of having a woman cum while I’m sucking on her toes. Now, obviously, the big cock-hardening fantasy here is to have her reach orgasm BECAUSE I’m sucking on her toes. But I’m willing to settle for a lesser scenario, which means sucking on the toes of a woman who just happens to be masturbating (or being stimulated in some other fashion). I want her to cum while I’m sucking on her toes, and when we get right down to it, it doesn’t really matter how or why the orgasm happens, just so long as it does.

I’d like to masturbate somebody else for a change. (Ideally a couple of somebody elses.) I want to slide my fingers inside of a woman and move them around in a specific manner to bring about a writhing, moaning orgasm on her part. Also (and when I say ‘also’ here, I greedily mean ‘additionally’), I’d really like the opportunity to masturbate a woman with a banana. Fuck her with the banana while playing with her clit.

Putting my fingers into a woman’s pussy counts as a form of masturbation. What about my whole hand? Is fisting masturbation? Is my burning desire to fist a woman something that should be addressed during National Masturbation Month? Something to think about, at any rate.

I’d also like to see what it’s like to jack off a cock that’s bigger than mine. It doesn’t even have to be BIG, just bigger than mine. Sadly, average size will do just fine.

Then, if we’re expanding the definition of ‘masturbation’ to include things like oral sex . . . yes, please. I’d like to finally receive some successful oral. And I’d like to learn to perform oral properly.

And if my hand is a proper masturbatory medium for jacking a guy off, then I’d like try another body part, too. My bi-curiosity insists that I wrap my lubed up asshole around some guy’s hard throbbing (condom-covered) member and ‘jack him off’ with my ass. I wouldn't mind having someone (the fantasy dictates a female, but really, how picky can I be?) jack me off with their ass, either.

The Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus

For me (and for most people, I imagine), the act of masturbation itself has a goal. That goal is orgasm.

Likewise for me, National Masturbation Month has a goal. And it’s a goal that I’ve never met. Until last year, I never even came close. But I made all the proper arrangements to meet the goal last year, only to have my plans fall through at the last moment.

The goal in question? Attending the Darklady’s Masturbate-a-Thon Party.

This year is her 9th annual Masturbate-a-Thon, and it’s circus themed (and me with a clown fetish and everything). The Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus takes place on the 30th of May. (More information available at And as of this moment, I have no ride. No way to get there.

I really want to go to this little shindig, because unlike the previous two Darklady events I attended, this one is about masturbation rather than sex. I won’t end up leaving all depressed because I was unable to find a partner. This time, even if all else fails, I AM my partner. And I’ve promised myself that I’m going to harness my occasional exhibitionist urges. If I can manage to get there, I’m going to take it out and jack it off.

The Official Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus Clown

Actually, I HAVE to get there. Despite not having any means of transportation at this point, I’m practically required to go. “Why,” you ask, “Do I HAVE to go?”

Because Darklady has named me the Official Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus Clown.

I’ve been planning to put together at least one (if not an actual series) of clown masks this year, mainly due to my allergy to greasepaint. As a result of being named the Official Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Circus Clown, I’ve now gone from thinking, “Yeah, I’ve got to look into mask making one of these days” to actually looking into mask making. I’ll be wearing a clown face at the event. At the moment, I couldn’t give you more details than that, as I don’t know them myself.

Having exhausted all of my potential modes of travel, I need to contact the Dark One herself and see if she can find a partygoer in my area that might be willing to offer a ride.

I HAVE to go. Being a circus themed event – and costing less to get in if you’re in costume – I imagine that there will be people there in clown make-up. Maybe women there in clown make-up.


If I can have some kind of masturbatory exchange with a female clown, that might make it the greatest night of my life. Definitely the greatest night of my sex life.

I just HAVE to go.

Speaking of which, now I have to go. It’s time to masturbate again.

This is the Official Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus Clown, signing off.

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