Wednesday, May 20, 2009

ZtC's Wish List (for Ginger Leigh's Fabulous Shopping Spree Contest)

Last week, my trusty flash drive and I spent some time at a computer whose internet access – unlike my usual onramp to the information super highway – was free of pornography filters. My plan for that internet session had been to spend as much time as I could grabbing sex blogs to read when I got home. (And snagging the RSS feed addresses of those blogs – more on that in a future post.)

But while I did manage to grab a goodly number of naughty blog pages, there came a point at which I became distracted by a chance to win $1000 worth of sex toys.

Yeah, I found a link to this contest, where the grand prize is a thousand dollar shopping spree at sextoys.com. So, I ended up going to sextoys.com and grabbing a ridiculous shitream of pages to the old flash drive.

When I got home I went through all of my page grabs and put together my (nearly) $1000.00 wish list. The rules state that for each item I want, I’m supposed to list it’s name, a link to it on the site, and one sentence explaining why I want it. I didn’t know if writing more than one sentence per item would disqualify me, but I decided to err on the side of caution. Some of these items cried out for multiple paragraphs of my usual rambling text, but I kept everything to that minimum single sentence . . . even if some of those sentences fall under the ‘compound’ or ‘run-on’ variety.

Some of the items were chosen for their potential to help me get myself off. Others are clearly for use with a partner, which might seem odd, given that I have none. But I’m in an optimistic mood, and my thoughts on a collection of sex toys and bondage gear are this: “If you build it, she will come.” (Yeah, I know I probably should have gone for the lame pun there, spelling that last word ‘cum’. But while her orgasm is indeed implied, my focus is on getting her – whoever she turns out to be – to simply arrive in my life.)

Anyway, here’s the list:

(It Feels Weird Not to Preface This With ‘Dear Santa’)

01.) Cyberskin Pussy & Ass w/Suction ($100.89) – I have no sex partner, I’m too heavy for an inflatable doll, and I can’t afford a RealDoll, so this seems like my best bet for something to fuck – especially since it can attach to a surface, and not ‘get away’ from me during the act.

02.) Roxy Jezel’s Doggie Style Ass & Pussy ($59.99) – While this one doesn’t have suction cups, it does offer a different position from the first one on the list . . . and look, she’s holding herself open for me, how inviting!

03.) Electronic Stroke Master ($69.19) – My obsessive-compulsive brain does a weird little ‘happy dance’ at the thought of a masturbator with a read out that tells me exactly how many strokes it took me to get off.

04.) CyberSkin Power Stroker ($48.99) – A masturbator that runs off of a USB port is ingenious – I can watch computer porn with my pants around my ankles and get off without even wasting batteries!

05.) Wallbanger Masturbator ($46.49) – Johnny Dirtnap (not his real name) used to occasionally tell me that I didn’t need a girlfriend as much as I needed a rubber vagina that I could just suction-cup to a wall, and, well . . . here one is.

06.) Up/Down Anal Pleaser ($51.89) – Being curious about anal sex (and having no male or strap-on equipped females interested in helping me satisfy that curiosity), finding a toy that “simulate(s) real anal!” is at the very least a step in the right direction.

07.) Feeldoe Slim ($104.49) – Of course, if I could find a female interested in helping me with my anal curiosity, having one of these in my toy collection might be just the enticement she needs to bend me over.

08.) Nipple Clamps Alligator With Chain – Black ($20.19) – I love nipples, and my ‘ideal fantasy woman’ will certainly want lots of nipple play, so owning some clamps is a given.

09.) Clover Nipple Clamps ($27.19) – And since having just the one set of nipple clamps might get boring after awhile, owning an interesting looking piece of hardware like this would be good for variety.

10.) Deluxe Leather Bondage Kit ($48.89) – I can’t tie a legitimate knot to save my life, so I really need a decent set of restraints – and a kit like this that comes with leather cuffs for all four limbs looks like it’s just what the bondage doctor ordered.

11.) Gator Restraints – Ball Gag ($22.19) – My thoughts on the use of gags in bondage won’t fit within a single sentence, but I will say this: If I’m going to gag someone, the gag in question has to at the very least have the kind of airholes that this one does.

12.) Leash and Collar Set ($26.89) – I’ve seen Doms walking their subs at KinkFest, and I always think, “Someday, that will be me with my hand on a submissive’s leash.”

13.) Thumbcuffs ($2.89) – I used to have a set of these about ten years ago, but they disappeared – and thus, need to be replaced.

14.) Bling Bling Finger Cuffs ($23.19) – Finger cuffs on a longer chain . . . hmm . . . finger to finger, toe to toe, finger to toe . . . all sorts of kinky possibilities.

15.) Leather Slut Paddle ($34.89) – The thought of spanking a bare female ass is always a turn on, and if it’s a slut’s bare ass, then why not label it as such?

16.) Rubber Whip 22 inch – Black ($30.49) – I also want to play around with bare female flesh and the classic whip/flogger type thing.

17.) Vibrating Banana ($25.99) – I’d like a vibrator in case a naughty woman comes into my life, and I have a weird little fetish for ‘bananas as penetration toys’, so this product is a no-brainer for my want list.

18.) Color Me Sexy Body Crayons ($5.49) – And while we’re on the subject of odd fetishes, since I also fantasize about writing all over a woman’s bare skin, this seems like another decent product to have in my possession.

19.) Pony Play – Medium ($34.49) – Never had any real exposure to pony play, but I’ve always thought that these butt-plugs with tails were just ridiculously sexy.

20.) Glow in the Dark Self-Examiner ($10.89) – Because I hope to get to peek inside someone someday.

21.) Liquid Latex Black 16 oz ($18.49) – I’ve always wanted to play around with liquid latex, but never wanted to spend real money on it in case it turned out that I was allergic to the stuff, like I am with greasepaint (and make-up, and soap, and all that other stuff that makes me break out in hives).

22.) Liquid Latex Purple 16 oz ($18.49) – Of course, even if I’M allergic to liquid latex, I’m a big enough geek/nerd that oddly colored women turn me on (think She-Hulk green, or the Star Wars rainbow of Twi’leks), so I’d like to slather some onto a potential play partner for kinky and geeky fetish purposes.

23.) Kimono Regular 48 Pack ($46.99) – Years ago, when looking for a condom that fit me, I discovered that the Kimono brand was the one least likely to fall off like a pair of baggy clown pants.

24.) Safe Sex Kit ($8.99) – When I finally find that person out there who’s eager to have sex with me, it needs to be safe sex (the safer the better), so this little thingamabob seems a worthwhile addition to the condom on my little thingamabob.

25.) Endurance Flavored Condoms 3Pk-Banana ($3.19) – My bi-curiosity seems to think that I’ll end up sucking a cock at least once, and with safety a necessity, ‘banana’ seems a better flavor than ‘lubricated’.

26.) Latex Dental Dam ($2.49) – At the moment, I very much want to go down on a woman, and that means trying to figure out how this piece of safety equipment works.

27.) Lick A Lot A Puss ($18.99) – Hands-free technology comes to cunnilingus . . . and since I’m worried enough about fumbling around with a dental dam, this harness-thingy seems like an easier solution than getting an extra set of arms grafted on to hold her open.

28.) Sex! Card Game ($6.89) – Having missed out on the whole high-school/college party thing, I never got to play any sex games (drunken or otherwise, with either a single partner or a small crowd of horny perverts), and it’s something I’d love to do if the opportunity ever presented itself.

29.) Naughty Paradice ($7.49) – I’m a gamer (I’ve played D&D since 1980 or so) and with there already being running jokes among my friends about my big bag of dice, I figure why not start a naughty bag of sex dice?

30.) Strip Dice ($15.49) – In all honesty, I always figured that I’d have more patience with ‘Strip Cut-the-Deck-for-High-Card’ than I would for a game of ‘Strip Poker’, but a strip dice game like this might be exactly my speed.

31.) Let’s Fool Around Dice ($9.49) – A handful of dice and a group of like-minded perverts, and away we go!

32.) Noveltease Spicy Dice ($6.89) – Looking at the picture of this, I find myself wondering if ‘Suck My Toes’ is a possible result?

33.) Oral Sex Dice For Him ($7.49) – I like dice, oral sex looks fun, and I’m a ‘him’, so . . . yeah.

34.) Oral Sex Dice For Her ($7.49) – And if I can find a ‘her’ that likes dice and the prospect of oral sex, well, so much the better!

35.) Nude Female Playing Cards ($3.49) – I like cards, I like looking at nude females . . . another no-brainer.

36.) Sexy Spinner Fetish ($4.49) – Lots of uses here, but just to pick one, if I had a ‘spin the wheel, pick a fetish’ apparatus, I could probably start my own blog meme.

37.) Mr. & Mrs. Santa Having Sex Gift Wrap ($4.99) – Just in case I have to wrap a present for someone on Santa’s other naughty list.

38.) Mardi Gras Pecker Beads ($6.89) – In case I’m ever at a Mardi Gras themed party: “. . . breasts are round, normal beads are round, so that makes an even trade – but these beads are genital shaped, so if you’ll just show me your pussy . . .”

39.) Female Shot Glass ($4.49) – The nude female form is ever a thing of beauty, whether simply as a knick-knacky object d’art, or holding a shot of vodka.

40.) Wind Up Masturbating Monkey ($10.99) – Okay, if you really don’t understand the desire to own this fine looking product, let me refer you back to it’s name (“Wind Up Masturbating Monkey!”) and you should realize that EVERYONE needs one of these . . . it’s a wind-up masturbating monkey, for cryin’ out loud!

Grand Total: $997.20. Want to put together your own wish list? Check out the details for Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree.

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