Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Ghost of Sex Toys Present (Part Two of Three)

Previously on Time Delay: The ghost of Jacob Marley showed up at my door, wearing chains forged of all the sex toys I've ever owned. (Both of them.) Plus others I've used.

And since I’m trying to keep my posts shorter – and just talking about my history with sex toys crossed the finish line at just over 1700 words – I decided to turn the Sex Toy column into a three-parter. (Plus, that also meant I could go to bed earlier that night instead of writing what would eventually end up being this post and yet a third installment still to come. Sleep, wonderful sleep.)

Ginger Leigh’s Sex Toy Contest

The winner of Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree (which I entered by running my sex toy wish list several posts ago) was NOT me. I say again, I did not win $1000 worth of sex toys.

However . . .

For the four weeks leading up to the entry deadline, they held smaller contests for people who submitted their entries prior to the last minute. Prizes were awarded for the following categories: Sexiest List for Women, Sexiest List for Couples, Sexiest List for Men, and List With the Most Items

I posted my wish list on the blog and e-mailed in the link some time between the second and third of these contests.

When I was putting my list together, all I was thinking about was picking out stuff that I wanted to have. Toys I wanted to use to help me get off. Toys I wanted to use on/with a woman, should one ever come my way. Miscellaneous pieces of bondage equipment. All told, it seemed (to me, at least) to be a general grab-bag of miscellaneous stuff.

But I’m guessing that my list had more male-specific masturbators and the like than the other lists submitted by that point, because when I checked my e-mail the following Monday, I discovered that I’d won the prize for having the “Sexiest List for Men”.

My wish list had made it clear that I wanted to fuck fake pussy-and-ass combos, just jacked off by electronic cock-strokers, take an anal-sex simulating plug up my ass, and get some non-simulated anal via a woman mounting me with a double ended ‘strapless strap-on’. And because of this, rewarded me with something called the “Screaming Ovation Intimacy Kit”. A nifty little package containing two each of the following: disposable vibrating cock ring, lubricated condom, lube packet, warming lube packet, wipe, and mint. Like a weird little Noah’s Ark of sex products.

I still wanted the grand prize. (Of course I still wanted the grand prize. Duh.) But after winning one of the weekly contests leading up to the big drawing, I figured that even if I didn’t win the $1000 worth of masturbatory fuckables, I at least won something.

So, . . . yay me!

Go To a Masturbate-a-Thon, Get a Masturbate-a-Thing

As I mentioned in my report on the recent Masturbate-a-Thon party thrown by the inimitable Darklady at the end of National Masturbation Month, I left that event with a brand new sex toy. The ‘X-Rated CyberSkin Virtual Touch Pussy’. (Best party favor ever.)

The day after the party, I opened up the package so I could get a better look at the thing.

The vulva is set in a disk about three inches in diameter and an inch and a half thick. Past that initial inch and a half depth, the vagina continues on in a tube about an inch and a quarter wide and five inches long. The whole thing is soft and squishy.

It’s also brown. (Yes, my fake pussy is non-Caucasian. Deal with it, racial purists.) Uniformly brown. I’ve seen pictures of the ‘white’ version of this toy online, and it’s beige with pink lips. Mine’s just brown.

I played around with it for a little while. Felt the weight of the toy in my hand. Thought about the logistics of having sex with the thing. Slid a finger into it. Everything but an actual test drive.

I’d just gone from having no sex toys to having a really pretty nice one. (I’d later discover that these things go for $40.00 on I didn’t want to destroy it through misuse. And the thing had some detailed care instructions.

Part of the listed care regimen included the use of a product called ‘Renew’ which is a CyberSkin-specific maintenance product. And not knowing whether it was an actual necessity, or just something that the company insisted you use to boost their sales, I decided to wait until I could obtain some before finally showing my toy a good time.

(Of course, by time I was finally able to get to an internet connection that would allow me to shop at an online sex toy store, I was once again running on low funds and eating Top Ramen.)

Return to Ginger Leigh’s Sex Toy Contest

A couple of days after the Masturbate-a-Thon, I checked my e-mail to discover that not only had my sex toy wish list contained enough male-oriented toys to win me ‘Sexiest List for Men’, but at a total of 40 items, it was also long enough to win me ‘List with the Most Items’. Holy crap.

‘List with the Most Items for Under $1000’ was the grand-daddy of the weekly drawings before the big one. The prize for ‘List with the Most Items for Under $1000’ was the LELO Iris Blue.

Yes, that’s right. I’d just gone from having no vibrators, to having a LELO-brand, rechargeable, dual motor, silicone vibrator that retails for over a hundred dollars.

What the Fuck?!

[For the briefest of moments, I – ever fond of anthropomorphizing the inanimate – considered charging up my LELO Iris, then sliding it into my CyberSkin Pussy to see if I could make them get off together.]

It’s definitely a toy for use on/in girlie parts. A LELO toy . . . the brand I keep seeing rave reviews of in other people’s sex blogs . . . a common sentiment being “expensive, but worth it”.

This isn’t just a toy. This is bait. (Not to be confused with ’bate, which is what you’re supposed to do with it. I guess maybe it’s ’bate bait.) This toy is coming with me to the next Darklady party. The next BDSM event. The next whatever. I might just wear a big sign around my neck that says, “Yes, ladies, I am happy to see you . . . but that IS a LELO vibrator in my pants. Wanna play?”

Trying Out the CyberSkin Pussy

I finally found information online regarding inexpensive CyberSkin care, and it turns out (according to the internet – I’m hoping it’s correct) that cornstarch is an adequate substitute for Renew. Once armed with that information, I went racing home to finally try my toy out.

I retrieved the toy from it’s hiding place (one protected from possible rodent incursion) and stripped down. I launched some porn clips in Windows Media Player. Lubed up the pussy. Lubed up my cock.

Initial penetration was . . . well, problematic. I couldn’t see what I was doing with my massively obese stomach blocking my penis from view. And the CyberSkin pussy has a very small, tight opening. Trying to get things lined up blind (especially without overbalancing) was a challenge.

But I did eventually manage to get my cock in, and once that happened, I started stroking it in and out. “Just like I’ve seen guys do it in porn!”

How close is this artificial pussy to the real thing? How close is fucking it like real sex. Well, on one level, you’re asking the wrong guy. It’s been a ridiculous number of years since I fingered anybody, and I’ve never actually had sex.

But . . . last year, a friend of mine and I were having a conversation about my sexual experience. I masturbate. (A lot.) And there were a number of occasions back in the day when CJ would take my cock in her mouth and perform half a blowjob (the first half – the half without an orgasm). She’d suck until her jaw gave out, then leave me on my own.

Anyway, my friend told me that it didn’t matter how often I jack off, or how long I last in (or outlast) a sexually active mouth. He told me that the first time I had PIV sex, I wouldn’t last. Because that’s just how it is. The first time you put your cock in a pussy, you don’t last long at all.

And going strictly by that set of parameters, it’s entirely possible that the X-Rated CyberSkin Virtual Touch Pussy is EXACTLY like the real thing. Because I did not last.

When I finally achieved penetration and started pumping my cock back and forth inside the toy, I felt myself heading toward the familiar point of no return faster than ever before. “What the fuck?” I almost slowed my pace to prolong the sensation. Back off, keep the orgasm from happening too soon.

But then the aforementioned conversation popped into my head, and I realized that the CyberSkin pussy wasn’t going anywhere. I’d have time to try and master the slow fuck later on. Why not go for the first-timer’s traditional embarrassing premature ejaculation the first time around. It’s not like ‘she’ was going to make fun of me.

Of course, after shooting my load so very soon after just getting started, some part of my brain apparently decided, “Oh my God, I am SO blogging this premature ejaculation!” (I swear, there’s something wrong with me.)

The Second Time

Just before I sat down to write this, I pulled the CyberSkin pussy out for a second encounter. I lasted longer this time, but it was still a much quicker ‘fuck’ than a typical session of masturbation would have been.

And it wasn’t any easier getting things started this time, either. It took more time trying to secure the penetration than I spent on the actual fake intercourse.

I’m hoping that the third time (and beyond) will be the charm.

Next Week, On ‘Time Delay’

“Tell me, spirit, are these sex toys that WILL be in my collection, or that MIGHT be, only? Because I’d really like to get off using some of this stuff . . .”

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