Friday, August 14, 2009

The Ghost of Sex Toys Future (Part Three of Three)

In the past, I had lousy luck with sex toys. But that’s starting to change.

I’ve got an LELO Iris to tempt a woman to come play with me. “All the better to fuck you with, my dear!” (Good Lord, I’ve gone from Charles Dickens to the Brothers Grimm.)

I’ve got a CyberSkin Pussy to help me get off. (In fact, just yesterday, I made sweet, sweet love to my CyberSkin Pussy while watching Sasha Grey stick her foot up inside of Stoya on my computer monitor.)

But is two toys (one for me, and one for her – whoever this currently mythical ‘her’ turns out to be) enough? I don’t think so.

Return to the Ginger Leigh Sex Toy Contest List

In the previous installments of this series, I’ve written about the sex toys I’ve owned in the past, and the sex toys I own now. Which means it’s time to look to the future, and discuss the sex toys I’d like to add to my meager collection.

I’ve already made a good start on that when I posted that list of
a thousand dollars worth of toys I wanted from for Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree Contest. Of course, doesn’t carry everything I wanted, but we’ll talk about that later on.

Not everything on my forty item long list really qualifies as an actual sex toy. I mean, as much as I might want a wind-up masturbating monkey, I can’t justify spending any real time discussing it in this post. (Hell, knowing me, it might get a post of it’s own later on.)

So before I talk about the things on the Ginger Leigh Contest List, I must first whittle it down somewhat.

Today’s topic is sex toys and not bondage gear and other BDSM paraphernalia, so that knocks nine items off the list right there. Removing dirty card and dice games eliminates another eight. Naughty gift wrap, Mardi Gras pecker beads, the shot glass that looks like the nude female torso, that glorious wind-up masturbating monkey . . . things like this can all come off the list for today’s discussion as well.

And there are still things on the list that aren’t – to my mind, anyway – actual sex toys. More mundane items like condoms and dental dams are sexual necessities, but not really toys. And is liquid latex a sex toy? I wouldn’t think so.

Body crayons might qualify as toys, but they go, because Crayola washable markers do the same thing, and I picked up a set of those at Wal*Mart prior to a Darklady party. (Didn’t get to use them, sadly.)

I’m also removing the Feeldoe, the banana-shaped vibrator, the pony-tailed butt-plug, and the glow-in-the-dark speculum from the list. Because while these are all indeed sex toys, they aren’t among the sex toys that I want the most.

The Remaining Six Items

Paring the list down to six items gives us a selection of five things to stick my cock in, and one thing to stick in my ass.

Before I continue, I want to say that I love my CyberSkin Pussy. I’m grateful to Darklady for having them among the sex toys handed out at her Masturbate-a-Thon party, and I’m grateful to Topco Toys for providing her with them so that she could do so.

But to be perfectly honest, I’d really like to have something fuckable that was ‘hands-free’. Which is why both of the artificial vaginas on my list included more ‘body’ than just the opening of the vulva. Both the CyberSkin Pussy & Ass w/Suction and the Roxy Jezel’s Doggie Style Ass & Pussy are intended to sit on a flat surface (the CyberSkin Pussy & Ass even has suction cups so it won’t go anywhere while you’re mounting it) and get fucked without you needing to continually grasp a handle to keep it in place.

The next two items on the list are electronic masturbators. The CyberSkin Power Stroker is simply a work of genius. Like the rest of the high tech jack-off toys I’ve seen, you stick your cock in it, and it strokes you until you cum. But unlike the rest, this one isn’t battery operated. No, this one plugs into a USB port and runs off of your computer’s power supply. Like I said: Genius!

I’m usually watching my computer monitor when I’m masturbating anyway. (The computer is where my collection of porn clips live.) So this device make perfect sense.

The other high-tech masturbation toy is the Electronic Stroke Master. It does take batteries, but it’s got a little something extra that sings out ‘You Must Own Me!’ to my obsessive-compulsive brain. In addition to stroking you however many times it takes you to get off, . . . it informs you of just how many times that was.

The Electronic Stroke Master has a digital read-out that tells you how many strokes it took you to reach orgasm. It’s basically intended as an ejaculation training aid. Giving you a number to beat, so that you know when you’re increasing your ability to hold off cumming too soon. And by exactly how much.

Now, while I suppose that I would also use this function for it’s intended purpose, I mainly just want to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop. Wait, – what? That doesn’t seem right. Let me try this again. I want to know how many strokes it takes to get the semen to spurt out of my cock. (Wise old owl refused to consult on that one.)

Johnny Dirtnap (not his real name) was always trying to find acceptable substitutes for a girlfriend for me. His favorite one of these was a rubber vagina that I could suction cup to a wall and bang away at. So really, it’s mainly nostalgia purposes that have caused me to include the low-tech Wallbanger Masturbator at the fifth position on this list.

I’m not sure that I could actually use this when stuck to a wall. The edge of a table, maybe. But with enormous obese gut and smaller-than-average penis, my stomach would probably hit the wall before my cock slid into the Wallbanger. Still, I’d find a way to fuck it. I’d find something I could suction it to that would work.

The last item on the six item version of the list is something called the “Up/Down Anal Pleaser”. It’s shaped like the standard buttplug, which is a little worrisome. I’ll remind you that I’m a big obese man, with – among other problems – a bad back. I have to contort myself a little more than an average sized person in order to be in a position to slip anything up my own ass.

But given what this object claims, I’d be willing to risk the discomfort of inserting it. Despite it’s external shape, it’s not a simple butt-plug. It has internal rings of stroking beads that – according to the product description – simulate anal sex.

I want to experience anal, at least once. (Probably more than once, but at this point I’m fantasizing about the act without knowing whether or not I’m going to actually enjoy it.) But I don’t have anyone willing to help me fulfill this desire. Nobody with a flesh-and-blood erection, nobody with a strapped-on dildo.

So if I can’t have actual anal sex, a toy that will simulate it would probably be the next best thing.

Of course, as it turns out, these six items total $377.44. And that’s before shipping. That’s more money than I get in a month. All of this stuff is kind of beyond my price range. At least, these brands from this store. Methinks comparison shopping might be in order.

Other Things I Want/Need

Thinking back to the anal probe fiasco of a few years ago (the inability to get it in my ass, not the toy getting eaten by mice), I find that I want some kind of anal probe that will function properly for me.

I’ve seen an anal vibrator that’s basically a vibrating egg/bullet mounted on a long flexible rod. Flexible, not fall-over-floppy. (Butt-Fucker On a Stick?) I don’t know if anyone has used this ‘flexible rod’ technology to produce a non-vibrating version, but even if they haven’t, who’s to say that I wouldn’t enjoy a little vibration where the sun doesn’t shine?

And of course, I want a RealDoll. Come on, honestly, who doesn’t want a RealDoll?

If You Build It, She Will [Come/Cum]

Do I need an assortment of dildos and vibrators? A clitoral stimulator? One of those neat little toys with a double phallus, both pointing forward, intended for simultaneous vaginal and anal penetration? Vibrating bullet? Vibrating butterfly? Ben-wa balls? Nipple pumps? A pussy pump? Something curved for g-spot stimulation?

Not for my own personal masturbatory use, no. These are things I do not need.

However . . . I want a woman in my life. Specifically, in my sex life. Fiancée/wife, girlfriend, BDSMI play partner, submissive, slave, friend-with-benefits/fuckbuddy, or whatever else I could get. (A one-night stand wouldn’t work, but God help me, an near-infinite series of one-night stands might fulfill me sexually if not emotionally.)

Anyway, the point is, once the miracle happens and I lure an adult female into my lair for sex, it wouldn’t hurt to have some female-specific sex toys. Something between an “In Case A Hot Chick Crawls Into Your Bed, Break Glass” box and a horny kinky male version of a hope chest. Containing dildos and vibrators and so on.

Building a collection of sex toys that I can’t even use might seem pointless. But I think of it as being kind of like buying a lottery ticket. There’s always that small chance that it will lead to my sliding a dildo in and out of someone’s hot wet pussy. You just never know.

Weird Stuff (No, Really . . . Weird, Weird Stuff)

Speaking of the lottery, if I were to ever hit the jumbogantic multigazillion dollar jackpot, I’d probably buy some of the weird stuff available from adult shops. As odd little conversation pieces if nothing else. (After buying all the other toys I talk about here, of course. Including a couple of RealDolls.)

I have NO desire to own the infamous baby Jesus butt plug. But the dildo shaped like the Grim Reaper seems like a good stylistic match.

Actually, sitting here at the keyboard at just after one in the morning, I’m having trouble remembering some of the weirder things that I’ve seen. I know that I’ve had a number of serious WTF!?! moments, both in adult shops and surfing the net (way back when I had my own internet access). I can remember the feeling, I just can’t remember most of the objet d’fuck that triggered them.

The one really weird thing that I can recall is The Feet. (Go figure.) Yes, some porn actress apparently known for doing fetish films had a casting made of her peds, and started selling either hard rubber or soft plastic reproductions of them.

And I’m guessing that they sold well, because since then, I’ve seen other reproduction feet available for sale. Weird. Weird, weird, weird. Rubber doll foot, chopped off at the ankle. (At least you can’t see blood and severed bone on what looks like a clean ankle slice.) Bare female feet arouse me, but these ridiculous things fail to turn me on. At all.

(And yet, I can’t deny the possibility that if I owned a set, I could eventually be discovered sucking on their cold lifeless toes. For practice, if nothing else. Creepy, but true.)

Zeitgeist the Clown’s Toy Reviews?

I find myself wondering how one goes about becoming a sex toy reviewer. Everybody else in the sex blogosphere does it, why shouldn’t I?

[I think that’s the first time I referred to myself as a member of the sex blogosphere. Come to think of it, it might actually be the first time I ever used the term ‘blogosphere’. Huh.]

Not having an actual sex life probably puts a crimp in things, but there must be some way to go about it.

My current thoughts on the matter are that I could test very specific products and write reviews that catered to the partnerless, bi-curious, obese, underendowed male demographic. I wonder how big that market is?

America IS getting fatter. And statistically, there should be as many below-average sized cocks as there are above-average sized ones. Hmm . . .

Seriously, though: If any sex blogging toy reviewers happen to read this post, and have advice for me on how to get into the world of obtaining free toys in exchange for writing about them, you should let me know. Either by commenting on the blog, or by sending an email to zeitgeist_the_clown (the ‘at’ sign) yahoo (period, colloquially known as a ‘dot’) com. [Address modified for protection against robots. Damn you, robots!]

Spirit, Are These Toys I Will Have, Or Might Have Only

Sex toys cost money, and I’m poor. So despite the fantasy of owning a big boxful of them, the reality is that I probably won’t.

Why am I pointing this out? Mainly because I felt that the post needed a heading with an ‘A Christmas Carol’ reference, and this is the one that I chose.

Hopefully I’m all finished thematically basing posts on Charles Dickens references now.

UPDATE -- "And Later That Day . . ."

This entry was autoposted at 9:00 in the morning (long before I was out of bed). But later on in the day I was using my brother's internet, and I discovered a contest whose prize is a $100 gift card to Eden Fantasys.

"Hmm", I thought to myself. "Yes, I would like a hundred bucks worth of free sex toys." Especially after just having posted what I did in today's post, yes? Yes.

And I thought that maybe you might want a chance at it, too. So, here's the deal: Go here and do what it says.

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