Monday, October 4, 2010

Everything I Know About Sex I Learned From Porn

After making a mere six posts throughout the first half of 2010, in August I finally laced up my blogging shoes and hit the dance floor. I posted on August 11th and 12th. Then thought to myself, “Two posts in as many days? Yikes!”

Then the following week I posted on August 17th. And 19th. “Two posts a week, two weeks running?” I thought. “I’m back!”

I have since realized that those four posts were a false start. I’ve realized that because it’s nearly a month and a half later, and I have yet to write another post. (Whoops.)

So, here we go again.

Let’s Open With a Joke

One day, Mrs. Jones asks her fourth grade class a question. And back in the third row, Timmy excitedly puts his hand up. Timmy knows that the answer to the question is ‘sex’. And since Timmy’s parents never bothered to set the parental controls on their computer’s web browser, Timmy also happens to know exactly what ‘sex’ is.

So Mrs. Jones calls on Timmy and lets him answer her question. Timmy gets up from his desk, standing straight and proud, and begins to speak. Mrs. Jones is so shocked by the unexpected words coming out of Timmy’s mouth that she doesn’t even think to cut him off as he says the following:

“First the guy licks the girl’s pussy. Then the girl sucks the guy’s dick. Then the guy sticks his dick in the girl’s pussy and slides it in and out for awhile. Then they change positions, and the guy sticks his dick in the girl’s ass and slides it in and out for awhile. Then, finally, the guy jerks off on the girl’s face. And that’s how babies are made.”

[Okay, so, I never said it was going to be a good joke.]

Sex Ed Sunday

There’s something new and exciting on the October schedule of events for Darklady’s Wonderground. “Sex Ed Sunday”. Just what is Sex Ed Sunday, you ask? Hmm. I asked the same thing. Only instead of just musing to myself, I mused over the phone to the Dark One herself.

According to Darklady, she’s not yet 100% certain of the format, but she’s got some definite ideas in place. She has a bunch of really interesting documentaries and sex ed films that she wants to play for the assembled throng. She wants discussion – both post-film discussion and otherwise. Workshops are another component being worked on for the new event.

The inaugural installment of Sex Ed Sunday is set for October 10th, and the ongoing event will probably be either a monthly or bi-weekly part of the Wonderground schedule. (Although it looks like it will only happen the one time in October, as there’s already a lot of stuff booked on the Wonderground calendar this month.)

[Since the library I use for my internet access doesn’t like sites that are even aware of the concept of sex, I don’t know if keeps up-to-date information and schedule of events for the goings-on at the Wonderground. But I’m sure that more info can be had by emailing Tell her Zeitgeist sent you!]

Of course, Sex Ed Sunday – something I’d desperately like to attend – takes place on a Sunday (surprise, surprise, it’s only mentioned in the name of the event, after all). And since some of the transit systems I use to get back and forth from here to Portland don’t run on the weekends . . . I end up out of luck for this one.

And I could really, really use some sex education.

My Sexual Education

I went to high school way back in the eighties. In a small, predominantly Catholic town. Now, sex education was indeed taught, but it took the form of a single week-long unit in health class. One week. That’s it.

Guess which week I was out with an severe case of the flu?

I got sick, and missed the entirety of the sex ed provided by the local education system. Yikes.

Back in the fifth grade, Johnny Dirtnap [not his real name] and I learned the basics of sex from our fellow classmate Oroborus [not his real name], who’d had the benefit of an extensive birds-and-bees conversation from his parents. Between that and the content of ‘Letters to Penthouse’, I was an expert on human sexuality. (That’s sarcasm, by the way.)

I do understand the basics of how to fuck. I should, after all, I’ve watched enough fucking. First on VHS, then on DVD, then on Windows Media Player clips, and so on. Fucking, finger-fucking, face fucking, butt fucking, tit-fucking, and so on and so forth.

But sometimes I’m honestly not even sure which nostril you penetrate for recreational sex and which nostril you penetrate for reproductive sex. (Wait – that didn’t sound right. Hmm. I DO need some sex ed, don’t I?)

I know that ejaculation inside the vagina can lead to pregnancy or the spreading of STDs. (Or, as my brother likes to put it, “Unprotected sex leads to STDs, including pregnancy.”)

Speaking of which . . .

Safe Sex (vs. Incompetent Sex)

I’m hoping to become sexually active before too much longer. (I’m also hoping to win the lottery. And gain super-powers. I sometimes think I’m working with roughly the same odds on any of those.)

I need more information on safe sex than I currently have in my brain. Especially since the more time passes, the more elaborate and kinkier my fantasies become. What is safe? What is unsafe? How does the hierarchy of risky behavior unfold?

(These are especially important questions considering how colossally fucked-up my immune system is. CFIDS has turned me into a magnet for illness, and the last thing I want to do is to needlessly expose myself to some of the sexually transmitted nonsense that is no doubt lurking in some of the genitals I’m interested in.)

The safest course of action is, of course, the use of condoms for any and all sexual activity. (Okay, second safest: As a virgin, I’m already deep in the midst of the true safest course of action.) I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t be using condoms for masturbation. (Who knows where my hands have been?)

But ARE condoms necessary for everything? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I’d look it up on the internet, but as I alluded to earlier, researching safe sex on the library’s computers tells me THIS SITE HAS BEEN BLOCKED.

For example: I knew that the whole unprotected blowjob thing was a risk for the cocksucker. What with the guy’s medically questionable semen shooting into their mouth and everything. But I’d be embarrassed to admit just how long I thought it was perfectly safe for the cocksuckee. The only STD bodily fluid concern I considered in cocksucking was the semen, and since the only semen involvement with the guy getting pleasured was his own on it’s way out . . . no risk.

I have since been made aware that I was incorrect in my assessment of that activity. But who knows what other misconceptions I’m still holding on to?


I actually took my lack of sex education into account when I put together the 101 things to do in 1001 days list. Item #94 reads: “Research STD risks and safer sex methods.”

Sex Ed Sunday would be ideal for this, alas. Plus there’s always the fantasy that I’d get a ‘lab partner’ who’d let me practice the things that I learned. Darklady’s Wonderground IS stocked with safer sex supplies and does have designated snuggle/play spaces, after all. (Not that I’ve yet to benefit from that. Sigh.)

Oh, well. Maybe someone will take notes I can borrow.

UPDATE from TheDarklady's Twitter Feed (found just prior to posting this) --

Just decided on my 1st Sex Ed Sunday topic: Showing & then discussion of "Beyond Vanilla: A Unforgettable Journey to the Wilder Side of Sex"

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