RealDoll Musings

When I first heard about the movie “Lars and the Real Girl” I decided that it was definitely something I needed to watch once it hit DVD. The initial description of the film was something along the lines of ‘a socially inept guy buys a RealDoll and then develops an actual relationship with her’. Sounded like a definite must see.

I knew that it wasn’t going to be exactly what I had originally expected when I went to add it to my Netflix queue a couple of weeks ago, only to discover that it carried a mere PG-13 rating.

I watched it a couple of nights ago, and it was an incredibly sweet and touching movie. (No, not ‘that’ kind of touching. Minds out of the gutter for the moment, people.) The socially inept guy (the titular “Lars”) actually develops a relationship with the RealDoll Bianca before she ever arrives. He’s been so lonely for so long that he develops a massive delusion that this sex doll he’s ordered is actually a foreign woman he’s been corresponding with over the internet with for some time. His brain compensates for some of the RealDoll’s obvious limitations with an detailed backstory that Bianca doesn’t speak a lot of English, and is wheelchair bound, needing help getting from place to place and getting dressed and whatnot.

At it’s core, the movie is about how the small town community helps Lars deal with his delusion by playing along . . . treating the RealDoll as if she were a real, living person. Given that it can accurately be described as being a movie about a sex toy, it isn’t in the least little bit lascivious. (Bianca, a former missionary, is very religious, and doesn’t feel that it’s right for her and Lars – two young single people – to stay alone in Lars’ garage apartment. So she ends up staying in the guest room of Lars’ brother and sister-in-law’s house.) And while – pervert that I am – I’d like to see a dirtier movie about a guy and his RealDoll, given the opportunity I certainly wouldn’t trade one for the final product that is “Lars and the Real Girl”.

Of course, now that I’ve written four paragraphs about a movie starring a RealDoll, I find myself wanting to talk about RealDolls in general. And the fact that I really, really want one.

I’ve wanted a RealDoll ever since I first saw them on an episode of HBO’s “Real Sex” (way, way back when I still had things like cable and internet). It will probably be one of my first purchases after winning a multi-million dollar lottery jackpot.

I’ve actually got stories involving RealDolls on my long, long list of as-yet unwritten erotic stories. (Is there a forthcoming post in the works bitching about writer’s block? Yes there is.) Including a series of stories about a guy and his RealDoll that – while not nearly as wholesome as “Lars and the Real Girl” – does include a few planned installments with no sexual content.

The creator/inventor of the RealDoll claims that they were originally just intended as a more authentic form of mannequin for artistic purposes, and that it was customer demand that caused him to turn them into sex toys. (Who here actually believes that? Can I get a show of hands? Yeah . . . I see NO hands raised, Mr. RealDoll Guy. Looks like nobody else buys that, either.)

I know that there are some people who DO own them simply as art objects. There are also nude photographers who use them as always-available models. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn of rich women whose poor upbringing denied them Barbie dolls owning them now, along with a closet-full of expensive designer clothing to dress them up in.

I’m an action figure junkie. I’ve got a bunch of the old 3&3/4-inch Star Wars figures from another lifetime ago. I’m also a big fan of the 6-inch scale Marvel Legends figures (and wish they were cheaper, so that I could afford more of them). But the action figure I’d really like to have is the starting-at-$6500-RealDoll.

I wrote some script pages for a comic book series that never happened years ago, and one of the superhero characters had a RealDoll at home that was his ‘sidekick’: Effigy Girl. So I could get away with owning a RealDoll in an Effigy Girl costume and claim it was just a big action figure of one of my characters, and didn’t mark me as a perv at all. (Right? Perfectly wholesome. People would believe that.)

Of course, my RealDoll would undoubtedly be a redhead, so I’d also have to get her a Batgirl costume. A proper Batgirl costume. Classic comic book authentic Barbara Gordon-style. No Cassandra Cain Batgirl. No purple 60s-era Yvonne Craig stuff. No movie-inspired black leather. We’re talking the old-school gray bodysuit with yellow bat emblem on chest. Matching canary yellow boots, gloves, and utility belt. Blue-black cape and cowl. (Does somebody have himself a little Batgirl fetish? Yes he does.)

You could take a hot redhead RealDoll and a whole closet full of costumes and have yourself an interesting action figure experience. Not just Batgirl, but also the full array of Marvel Comics’ redhead characters . . . Jean Grey/Marvel Girl/Phoenix, the Scarlet Witch, Firestar, Ms. Marvel II (Sharon Ventura, pre-She-Thing), and others too numerous to count. Throw in a bunch of generic ‘uniform’ costumes (Star Fleet, Ghostbuster, SG 1 commando, STARS team, Earthforce and Babylon 5 uniforms, etc.) and you’ve got the ultimate life size action figure for the horny fanboy.

Abyss Creations (the creators of RealDoll) will even throw in an unnatural skintone for a little extra money. I’m strange enough to see the appeal of this. But it makes me wish that they offered a 6’7” body in their inventory. Sure, my Batgirl fetish is more pronounced then my She-Hulk fetish, but if you offer green skin, you might as well go all the way, right?

If Abyss was smart, they’d pick up licenses from places like Paramount and LucasFilm and start making Klingon and Twi’lek RealDolls. Klingons would be fairly easy. Just a little more silicone on the forehead and other key body parts. Twi’leks might be a little harder. The long head tails might pose a balance issue. I don’t know. I’m not a sex toy engineer or anything.

Back before the Sharper Image stores went belly-up, they sold $5000 life-sized Stormtrooper statues. And all they did was stand there. If wealthy geeks plunked down five grand for something to just stand in the corner and look neat, can you imagine what wealthy horny geeks would plunk down for something to lie in bed with them and . . . well, do a little more than just ‘look neat’ (nudge nudge, wink wink)?

Yeah, it’s very doubtful that Lucas would grant a Star Wars license to a sex toy manufacturer, but a perv can dream, can’t he? If I could order a purple Twi’lek RealDoll from Abyss, I’d start saving up my money today.

RealDoll doesn’t just do prosthetic girls, either . . . they also make a male RealDoll. You can get SheMale RealDolls, too, but they’re a custom order, and therefore more expensive. It makes me wonder what other innovations we’ll eventually see from Abyss. Sure, the gender bases are pretty well covered by male, female, and shemale. But I want more body types. Not necessarily for me, but for my fellow pervs. I want to see a BBW RealDoll. (Or would that much silicone be cost prohibitive?)

Okay, so . . . I guess the question is: If I did have a RealDoll, would I violate it? Would I lay her down and have my way with her, fulfilling my nasty carnal urges?

Hmm . . .

Oh, of course I would. Maybe before even pulling her out of the box. Right outside my house, while the UPS man stands there transfixed in horror.

I’m sure that a RealDoll’s silicone vagina wouldn’t be anywhere near as good as the real thing, it would still be a different sensation than my right hand. (And man, could I ever use the variation!) Cold silicone isn’t going to taste like warm flesh, but the topography should be similar enough to give me practice at various oral skills. Bedding a RealDoll – in the absence of an actual woman who’s willing to have sex with me – would be a worthwhile use of my time.

(Plus, I could set the timer on my digital camera and get pictures of myself having sex with Batgirl!)

Truthfully, the real question is: Would fucking her lose me my virginity?

If the male virginity is lost by PIV sex, does it matter if the ‘V’ in the PIV is an artificial ‘V’? If it looks like a vagina, walks like a vagina, and quacks like a vagina, it’s probably a vagina. Wait – do vaginas quack? Am I thinking of ducks? Do I have that phrase completely wrong?

Lost virginity may be a philosophy question, and I’ve got a headache. Screw it, let’s start over.

Truthfully, the real question is: At 450 pounds, am I too heavy to fuck a RealDoll without splitting her open?