Friday, May 29, 2009

The Clown Fetish

“Everybody loves a clown.” Heh. While that age-old statement is definitely an arguable one (especially taking things like coulrophobia – better known as ‘fear of clowns’ – into account), it does form the basis for a follow-up statement:

“Some people even lust after a clown.”

I like clowns. Female clowns. No, you probably don’t get it – I really, really like female clowns.

“You’re WHAT Kind of Pervert?”

At KinkFest, I had several people ask me for the story behind my scene name.

[Huh. I haven’t actually written the KinkFest report yet, have I? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I’m still writing it, despite it’s ‘much belated’-ness. Just not today. Probably not this week. “Early June” is what my brain now tells me.]

Now, where was I? Right . . . some of the KinkFest attendees were asking, “Why ‘Zeitgeist the Clown’?” For the most part, I gave them all the same answer. (It’s the same answer that I’ll give in a post I’ll write next month.) And while everything I told them was true, I didn’t tell them everything. Not most of them, anyway.

But the one person who asked . . . well . . . after telling her the origin of the name, I also ‘fessed up to the fact that . . . “I’ve also got a clown fetish. So that factored into choosing the name, somewhat.”

She looked at me as if I’d suddenly turned into a mongoose made entirely out of pinecones, who had then immediately eaten the only brick of anthropomorphic cheese that knew the cure for cancer.

“A CLOWN fetish?!” she said, obviously hardly able to believe what she had heard.

It occurred to me at that point that the clown fetish might perhaps have been a piece of information best kept to myself. Alas, it was too late for that. She now knew. So it was time to . . . what? Explain? Attempt to justify? Knock her unconscious, drag her back to my room, put her in manacles, and deck her out in clown white for later private play? (Oh, if only I owned manacles . . . and clown white . . .)

I didn’t exactly talk through the basis of MY clown fetish, but tried to cover the broad outline of clown fetish in general. All the while thinking, “Man, why haven’t I done a blog entry on this yet?”

Knowingly Incomplete

I’ve no doubt that I could easily sit here behind my keyboard and bang out 20,000 words . . . and still not cover all the basics of the clown fetish. Clown fetishism in general, or clown fetishism as it specifically applies to me. The bias against it among the general populace. The bias against it amongst other fetishists. Preconceived notions, and weird crap I’ve thought up while spending the afternoon fantasizing about hot, sexy, horny clown girls.

But I’ve been making an effort to keep my posts shorter lately. I’ve been getting complaints about their length. I’m sure that now that I’ve (finally) started, clown fetishism is a topic that I’ll want to revisit anyway, so why try and cover everything the first time out, right?

I will start out by saying that there are – for the purposes of today’s post – two different kinds of clown fetishists. Those who are attracted to clowns, and those who get off by becoming clowns. I fit into the first category, and I’m going to completely ignore the second at this point in time.

Clown White and Face Paint

For me, a large part of the fetish is her face. White skin, oversized red smile, equally colorful eyes and nose, oftentimes presented in exaggerated or simply odd shapes . . . there’s just something about it that turns me on.

Some people think that’s weird. Or, more accurately, some people thing that I’M weird because of this attraction. But really, when you stop and break it down . . .

‘Alabaster skin’. Or ‘skin like a porcelain doll’. Attraction to a woman with these qualities doesn’t mark you as a pervert.

And are you really sick in the head if you can appreciate the attractive qualities of the geisha? The geisha is oftentimes presented as the manifestation of female Japanese sex appeal. (Both the often misunderstood by Westerners to be prostitutes geisha, and the actual prostitution-oriented oiran from which the geisha tradition evolved.)

Yes, the geisha are pretty much considered universally sexy, with their face covered in white make-up, their lips and eyes accented in red and black, their – wait, didn’t I pretty much already give this description just a couple of paragraphs ago?

The Rain-’Fro (and Other Wig-age)

Hair color is very important to some people. Some guys like blondes. Other guys don’t just like them, but actually fetishize them.

[Personally, I’ve never understood the attraction of blondes. Blonde hair is at the absolute bottom of my hierarchy of desirable hair colors. But that’s just me.]

I’ve got two personal categories of fetish-worthy hair coloration. One of those is the redhead. (Ah, the redhead . . . ) The other is unnatural hair colors.

Blue. Green. Metallic purple. Cotton-candy pink. Chrome. And so on.

If I were custom ordering myself a hot clown girl, I think her hair would be a solid color – probably either purple or pink hair – rather than the more familiar rainbow hodgepodge. Probably long and straight rather than the rainbow wig’s curls, too. Right now my brain is hollering something about pigtails. I can’t tell exactly what it’s saying over the sound of my blood rushing down to my penis.

Red Rubber Nose

The nose. So often overlooked. “You have such pretty eyes . . . you have such pretty lips . . . ” You so seldom hear, “You have such a pretty nose.”

The clown’s face, even if it’s not going for classically beautiful, does try to call attention to all of it’s features. The eyes, the mouth, and yes, even the nose.

Sometimes it’s just a dot of color on the end, traditionally red. Sometimes it’s more face paint than a just a dot. But more often than not, instead of simple make-up, it’s something else altogether.

The classic clown nose. Round. Red. Rubber.

Soft rubber, hard rubber, foam rubber . . . sometimes even plastic. Or made from a tiny crafter’s pom-pom.

It can attach to the face via spirit gum, or by an elastic band around the head, or simply hold onto the nose under it’s own power, either due to how it was built or by little clips.

(Hard red rubber ball on a band around the head . . . I wonder if I’m the only one that’s ever contemplated creating a dual purpose clown nose/ball gag for submissive clowns?)

I don’t see the clown nose as being sexy in and of itself. It’s sexy because (to me) clowns are sexy, and it’s part of the package. But, if you need me to hand you some kind of justification, well, it’s round. Round like breasts, round like little bare toes. Round is curved, and curves are sexy.

Plus, it’s red. The color of lipstick and nail polish. The traditional color of lust and passion. The color of blood, the color of life.

And, hey – some of them even ‘honk’ when you squeeze them.

Oversized Shoes (and Other Assorted Paraphernalia)

Oversized shoes. Yeah, my fantasy clown girl is the type that wears normal sized sneakers, or combat boots (or possibly just runs around naked from the ankles on downward). My foot fetish takes one look at the traditional oversized clown shoe and screams, then runs for the exit. Not something that turns me on. Not at all.

And while the whole ‘giantess’ thing is another fetish that isn’t mine, it’s another one that clowns could cater to well. A pair of words that come up time and again when referring to clown props are ‘Novelty Oversize’. The giant pair of sunglasses. The giant comb. Any of a number of items that are giant versions of normally small things, manufactured for comedy purposes.

[You’ll occasionally also find the ‘Novelty Undersize’ prop. And I, Zeitgeist the Clown, will state for the record that my personal favorite prop is my novelty undersize penis. Ha ha ha!]

Mysterious

There is a mystery to clowns. (There are actually a plethora of mysteries to clowns, but I’m going to single out and discuss two of them here, both dealing with their appearance.)

Clown white, face paint, wig, rubber nose, costume . . . the first mystery is: Who is she? Because, really, she could be anybody under all that.

Who could she possibly be? A stranger? A co-worker? A friend? An enemy? A relative? A pre-op transsexual? Virgin? Slut? Jailbait? Seven-years-married getting itchy?

Sex with a clown could be anonymous sex. It could also be one-way anonymous sex. You don’t know her, but she knows you. You don’t even know who she is, but does she know you? Is she one of the Dramatis Personae of your life? It’s a mystery.

But it’s the other mystery where I focus a lot of my clown fetish energy. The mystery of: What does a clown look like naked?

I haven’t really talked about the costume in this post, mainly because I’m trying to keep it short. But the traditional choices include the full patterned body suit, or the crazy outfit where the pants have long legs and the shirt’s got long sleeves. More often than not, clowns are found wearing gloves. So a lot of the time, the painted-up face is the only ‘exposed’ body part you see.

This makes my imagination spiral out of control. Yes, it’s possible that if I were to strip a sexy clown woman naked I’d find the same thing that I’d find if I stripped a sexy non-clown woman naked. But there are other possibilities, and that’s what I tend to focus on.

If all I can see of her unclothed body is her face, it makes me wonder if everything follows the same pattern. White face. White body? Is it just her facial skin that’s white, or is she that same hue from head to toe?

Mouth ringed with bright red. Is every major orifice? Does she have a vertical clown ‘smile’ centered over her vulva? Are her inner labia ‘pussy lips pink’, or ‘fire truck red’? And if she’s got yet another red stripe covering her anus . . . is it a separate stripe from the vaginal one, or do the two red lines converge over the perineum, becoming one?

The red rubber nose, perched upon the face’s protrusion. But the body has other protrusions, and aren’t bare breasts just crying out for red rubber clown nipples?

Then, as concerns the rainbow wig, comes the old cliché: “Do the curtains match the drapes?” Does she, in fact, have rainbow pubes?

[Years before I’d ever heard the word ‘merkin’ or discovered the notion of a pubic wig outside the bounds my own imagination I thought that I had invented/created the concept of a pubic hairpiece during my musings about clown nudity. Shave her natural pubes off, and apply her little rainbow bush with spirit gum. I was a genius, I was.]

The few other touches of face paint up above would undoubtedly lead to a larger number of body paint applications further down.

Of course, it could also be that a clown’s naked body is as different from her head as her head is from a non-clown human’s head. In which case, I can’t even begin to speculate what I might find beneath a clown’s clothing. (But man-oh-man, would I like to find out!)

But That’s Not All . . .

The hair, the make-up, the nose, the costume . . . that certainly isn’t everything. That’s by no means all there is to clowns. Nor is there all that is to the sexual, kinky, and/or fetishistic appeal of clowns.

But as I said earlier, I’m not covering everything in this post.

I’ll come back at a later point and talk more about clown fetishes. Talking about clowns as agents of chaos, about the religious significance, about BDSM use of coulrophobia as fear play, and more sub-topics than you can shake a rubber chicken at. Who knows, I might even talk about the rubber chicken.

Friday, May 22, 2009

National Masturbation Month

I haven’t really blogged about anything in quite some time. Not counting the May 20th post – which was really just a list with a little bit of commentary, and I can do that in my sleep – my most recent post was over three weeks ago. And the one before that was nearly a month earlier. (Fuckin’ bronchitis.) So . . . I’m off my blogging game. Out of my blogging groove. I’m covered in blog rust. Lost my blogging chops. And so on and so forth. Seems like the perfect time for a ‘triumphant return’.

An Excuse to Touch Your Naughty Places (for 31 Days in a Row)

When asked, I’ll usually reply that my favorite holidays are Halloween and Christmas. But despite how much effort I put into costuming and how much candy I eat, regardless of how many decorations I hang and how many presents I buy, the truth of the matter is that the ‘holiday’ I end up celebrating the most is National Masturbation Month.

Why? Because the point of NMM is to masturbate, and I tend to masturbate a lot. (Not just during the month of May, either. I seem to be perpetually horny. And I have no sex partner. So I frequently find myself in the situation where erect penis meets palm of hand and . . . well, jacking off occurs.)

This is the section of the blog entry where I’d talk about the origins and history of National Masturbation Month, but . . . once again, I’m writing this from home at night. And my sole means of internet access is in the library, open only during the daytime. (Sigh.)

Previously on Time Delay . . .

I’ve talked about masturbation here in the blog before (usually simply in passing, although one time it was the subject of it’s own post). Like I said: perpetually horny with no partner. And this is a sex blog. In between musings about aspects of kink and fetish and BDSM, when it’s time to talk about my own sex life, what else am I going to say?

I’ve explained how during my junior and senior year in high school I would jack off in locked classrooms (I had keys) and in the girl’s locker room. I’ve talked about early masturbatory inspiration found in the ‘Letters to Penthouse’ section of magazines found under Dad’s side of my parent’s bed. I’ve revealed the fact that I even started masturbating to the occasional letter with gay content, once I discovered that – if I was in the right mood – they aroused me as much as the far more plentiful straight letters did.

I’ve talked about my beliefs regarding the masturbatory (and/or sexual intercourse) requirements inherent in my vision of what BDSM play should entail. I’ve mentioned age-play masturbation fantasies. I’ve recently whined about the difficulty in jacking off with lungs full of bronchitis-supplied flem (and other disgusting gooey things I kept hacking up).

I’ve mused about my desire to watch a woman masturbate with a cucumber, a banana (oh, God, yes, with a banana!), and – even though I’m aware that it’s a big no-no because of the “vagina + sugar = yeast infection” equation – one of those foot-long, inch-and-a-half thick peppermint sticks you can get during the Christmas season.

I’ve wished for specific masturbation toys (both in the previous post, and in a letter to Santa from last year.)

I’ve even discussed the masturbation habits of Benjamin J. Grimm, the ever-lovin’ blue-eyed Thing of the Fantastic Four.

[Huh. Until I skimmed over my list of previous blog entries just now, I hadn’t realized that I talk about masturbation about as compulsively as I perform the act. Weird.]

Twitter and the Masturbation Count

While it’s taken me this long to get off my ass and write an actual blog post, I have been doing something relating to National Masturbation Month and the internet. I’ve been updating my Twitter account from my celphone. Each and every single time I’ve jacked off during the month-long event, I’ve sent out a ‘Tweet’ alerting the populace.

(Which, as I sit here writing this – the evening of May 20th – has been a total of 31 times thus far.)

I’m not telling elaborate masturbation stories or anything. With a mere 140 characters, I really can’t. I’m not explaining where I’m jacking off, and what fantasy is fueling the effort. I’m pretty much just announcing that another masturbatory act took place, and leaving it at that.

I can’t imagine what the people who have started following me this month must be thinking. 31 jack off tweets, and 1 tweet reminding people that it was the anniversary of the death of Jim Henson. Yikes. I must be mad.

Define Masturbation

Just what exactly is ‘masturbation’, anyway?

Different things to different people, I suppose. Generally, I’ve always understood it to mean manual stimulation of the genitals (usually your own, but sometimes someone else’s). Jacking off, or fingering yourself. Jacking someone off or fingering someone.

I jack off (a lot). I fingered CJ a few times, long, long ago. (Fingered her pussy, stroked her clit, caused her to make a variety of noises.)

I’ve also understood the use of sex toys to be in the ‘masturbation’ category. Fucking a rubber pussy. Fucking yourself with a dildo. Things like that.

But there are people out there for whom the definition of masturbation is pretty much any sex act that isn’t PIV intercourse. “If it ain’t fuckin’, then it’s just masturbatin’.”

So: Jacking off, fingering, use of imitation vaginas, dildos, and vibrators . . . oh, and tit-fucking, foot-jobs, blow-jobs, pussy-eating, butt-fucking, and every other orgasm-inducing NON cock-in-pussy form of sex play. All simply masturbation according to some definitions.

Masturbatory Goals

I have goals pertaining to the concept of masturbation. (Especially if the definition of the act is loose enough to incorporate any and all sex-type acts that aren’t the classic PIV fuck.)

Some of these goals are things I want to do. Others are things I officially want to do. (Yeah, there exists a list of 39 things – mostly kinky and/or sexual – I want to experience this year.) But the blog post on National Masturbation Month seems a reasonable place to talk about my masturbation goals, doesn’t it?

In absolutely no particular order: I want somebody to watch me jack off. I’ve developed these occasional exhibitionist urges, and those urges sometimes make me want a live audience while masturbating.

I also want to be a live audience (or part of same) for someone else’s solo sex activities. A masturbating woman is just unbelievably sexy. And I’d kind of like to watch a guy jack off and shoot his load, at least once.

I’m not really looking for a handjob. Oh, I’m sure that if I was aroused enough by a woman who offered me one I’d probably accept, but one of the things I learned during my encounters with CJ was that if I want to reach orgasm, the hand on my cock needs to by my experienced hand.

Fetishist that I am, however, . . . I really, really want a footjob. And I honestly don’t see that being that far off of the legitimate masturbation chart. ‘Please jack me off with your hand’ vs. ‘please jack me off with your feet’. Please jack me off with your sexy bare feet. Please jack me off with your sexy bare feet, alternating between the oh-so-soft soles and the underside of your toes with their brightly painted nails . . . huh? What? Oh, sorry. Got sidetracked for a moment.

Since we’re on the topic of the foot fetish, I should also mention that I have this fantasy of having a woman cum while I’m sucking on her toes. Now, obviously, the big cock-hardening fantasy here is to have her reach orgasm BECAUSE I’m sucking on her toes. But I’m willing to settle for a lesser scenario, which means sucking on the toes of a woman who just happens to be masturbating (or being stimulated in some other fashion). I want her to cum while I’m sucking on her toes, and when we get right down to it, it doesn’t really matter how or why the orgasm happens, just so long as it does.

I’d like to masturbate somebody else for a change. (Ideally a couple of somebody elses.) I want to slide my fingers inside of a woman and move them around in a specific manner to bring about a writhing, moaning orgasm on her part. Also (and when I say ‘also’ here, I greedily mean ‘additionally’), I’d really like the opportunity to masturbate a woman with a banana. Fuck her with the banana while playing with her clit.

Putting my fingers into a woman’s pussy counts as a form of masturbation. What about my whole hand? Is fisting masturbation? Is my burning desire to fist a woman something that should be addressed during National Masturbation Month? Something to think about, at any rate.

I’d also like to see what it’s like to jack off a cock that’s bigger than mine. It doesn’t even have to be BIG, just bigger than mine. Sadly, average size will do just fine.

Then, if we’re expanding the definition of ‘masturbation’ to include things like oral sex . . . yes, please. I’d like to finally receive some successful oral. And I’d like to learn to perform oral properly.

And if my hand is a proper masturbatory medium for jacking a guy off, then I’d like try another body part, too. My bi-curiosity insists that I wrap my lubed up asshole around some guy’s hard throbbing (condom-covered) member and ‘jack him off’ with my ass. I wouldn't mind having someone (the fantasy dictates a female, but really, how picky can I be?) jack me off with their ass, either.

The Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus

For me (and for most people, I imagine), the act of masturbation itself has a goal. That goal is orgasm.

Likewise for me, National Masturbation Month has a goal. And it’s a goal that I’ve never met. Until last year, I never even came close. But I made all the proper arrangements to meet the goal last year, only to have my plans fall through at the last moment.

The goal in question? Attending the Darklady’s Masturbate-a-Thon Party.

This year is her 9th annual Masturbate-a-Thon, and it’s circus themed (and me with a clown fetish and everything). The Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus takes place on the 30th of May. (More information available at www.masturbate-a-thon.org) And as of this moment, I have no ride. No way to get there.

I really want to go to this little shindig, because unlike the previous two Darklady events I attended, this one is about masturbation rather than sex. I won’t end up leaving all depressed because I was unable to find a partner. This time, even if all else fails, I AM my partner. And I’ve promised myself that I’m going to harness my occasional exhibitionist urges. If I can manage to get there, I’m going to take it out and jack it off.

The Official Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus Clown

Actually, I HAVE to get there. Despite not having any means of transportation at this point, I’m practically required to go. “Why,” you ask, “Do I HAVE to go?”

Because Darklady has named me the Official Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus Clown.

I’ve been planning to put together at least one (if not an actual series) of clown masks this year, mainly due to my allergy to greasepaint. As a result of being named the Official Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Circus Clown, I’ve now gone from thinking, “Yeah, I’ve got to look into mask making one of these days” to actually looking into mask making. I’ll be wearing a clown face at the event. At the moment, I couldn’t give you more details than that, as I don’t know them myself.

Having exhausted all of my potential modes of travel, I need to contact the Dark One herself and see if she can find a partygoer in my area that might be willing to offer a ride.

I HAVE to go. Being a circus themed event – and costing less to get in if you’re in costume – I imagine that there will be people there in clown make-up. Maybe women there in clown make-up.

Ooh.

If I can have some kind of masturbatory exchange with a female clown, that might make it the greatest night of my life. Definitely the greatest night of my sex life.

I just HAVE to go.

Speaking of which, now I have to go. It’s time to masturbate again.

This is the Official Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Solo Sex Circus Clown, signing off.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

ZtC's Wish List (for Ginger Leigh's Fabulous Shopping Spree Contest)

Last week, my trusty flash drive and I spent some time at a computer whose internet access – unlike my usual onramp to the information super highway – was free of pornography filters. My plan for that internet session had been to spend as much time as I could grabbing sex blogs to read when I got home. (And snagging the RSS feed addresses of those blogs – more on that in a future post.)

But while I did manage to grab a goodly number of naughty blog pages, there came a point at which I became distracted by a chance to win $1000 worth of sex toys.

Yeah, I found a link to this contest, where the grand prize is a thousand dollar shopping spree at sextoys.com. So, I ended up going to sextoys.com and grabbing a ridiculous shitream of pages to the old flash drive.

When I got home I went through all of my page grabs and put together my (nearly) $1000.00 wish list. The rules state that for each item I want, I’m supposed to list it’s name, a link to it on the site, and one sentence explaining why I want it. I didn’t know if writing more than one sentence per item would disqualify me, but I decided to err on the side of caution. Some of these items cried out for multiple paragraphs of my usual rambling text, but I kept everything to that minimum single sentence . . . even if some of those sentences fall under the ‘compound’ or ‘run-on’ variety.

Some of the items were chosen for their potential to help me get myself off. Others are clearly for use with a partner, which might seem odd, given that I have none. But I’m in an optimistic mood, and my thoughts on a collection of sex toys and bondage gear are this: “If you build it, she will come.” (Yeah, I know I probably should have gone for the lame pun there, spelling that last word ‘cum’. But while her orgasm is indeed implied, my focus is on getting her – whoever she turns out to be – to simply arrive in my life.)

Anyway, here’s the list:

(It Feels Weird Not to Preface This With ‘Dear Santa’)

01.) Cyberskin Pussy & Ass w/Suction ($100.89) – I have no sex partner, I’m too heavy for an inflatable doll, and I can’t afford a RealDoll, so this seems like my best bet for something to fuck – especially since it can attach to a surface, and not ‘get away’ from me during the act.

02.) Roxy Jezel’s Doggie Style Ass & Pussy ($59.99) – While this one doesn’t have suction cups, it does offer a different position from the first one on the list . . . and look, she’s holding herself open for me, how inviting!

03.) Electronic Stroke Master ($69.19) – My obsessive-compulsive brain does a weird little ‘happy dance’ at the thought of a masturbator with a read out that tells me exactly how many strokes it took me to get off.

04.) CyberSkin Power Stroker ($48.99) – A masturbator that runs off of a USB port is ingenious – I can watch computer porn with my pants around my ankles and get off without even wasting batteries!

05.) Wallbanger Masturbator ($46.49) – Johnny Dirtnap (not his real name) used to occasionally tell me that I didn’t need a girlfriend as much as I needed a rubber vagina that I could just suction-cup to a wall, and, well . . . here one is.

06.) Up/Down Anal Pleaser ($51.89) – Being curious about anal sex (and having no male or strap-on equipped females interested in helping me satisfy that curiosity), finding a toy that “simulate(s) real anal!” is at the very least a step in the right direction.

07.) Feeldoe Slim ($104.49) – Of course, if I could find a female interested in helping me with my anal curiosity, having one of these in my toy collection might be just the enticement she needs to bend me over.

08.) Nipple Clamps Alligator With Chain – Black ($20.19) – I love nipples, and my ‘ideal fantasy woman’ will certainly want lots of nipple play, so owning some clamps is a given.

09.) Clover Nipple Clamps ($27.19) – And since having just the one set of nipple clamps might get boring after awhile, owning an interesting looking piece of hardware like this would be good for variety.

10.) Deluxe Leather Bondage Kit ($48.89) – I can’t tie a legitimate knot to save my life, so I really need a decent set of restraints – and a kit like this that comes with leather cuffs for all four limbs looks like it’s just what the bondage doctor ordered.

11.) Gator Restraints – Ball Gag ($22.19) – My thoughts on the use of gags in bondage won’t fit within a single sentence, but I will say this: If I’m going to gag someone, the gag in question has to at the very least have the kind of airholes that this one does.

12.) Leash and Collar Set ($26.89) – I’ve seen Doms walking their subs at KinkFest, and I always think, “Someday, that will be me with my hand on a submissive’s leash.”

13.) Thumbcuffs ($2.89) – I used to have a set of these about ten years ago, but they disappeared – and thus, need to be replaced.

14.) Bling Bling Finger Cuffs ($23.19) – Finger cuffs on a longer chain . . . hmm . . . finger to finger, toe to toe, finger to toe . . . all sorts of kinky possibilities.

15.) Leather Slut Paddle ($34.89) – The thought of spanking a bare female ass is always a turn on, and if it’s a slut’s bare ass, then why not label it as such?

16.) Rubber Whip 22 inch – Black ($30.49) – I also want to play around with bare female flesh and the classic whip/flogger type thing.

17.) Vibrating Banana ($25.99) – I’d like a vibrator in case a naughty woman comes into my life, and I have a weird little fetish for ‘bananas as penetration toys’, so this product is a no-brainer for my want list.

18.) Color Me Sexy Body Crayons ($5.49) – And while we’re on the subject of odd fetishes, since I also fantasize about writing all over a woman’s bare skin, this seems like another decent product to have in my possession.

19.) Pony Play – Medium ($34.49) – Never had any real exposure to pony play, but I’ve always thought that these butt-plugs with tails were just ridiculously sexy.

20.) Glow in the Dark Self-Examiner ($10.89) – Because I hope to get to peek inside someone someday.

21.) Liquid Latex Black 16 oz ($18.49) – I’ve always wanted to play around with liquid latex, but never wanted to spend real money on it in case it turned out that I was allergic to the stuff, like I am with greasepaint (and make-up, and soap, and all that other stuff that makes me break out in hives).

22.) Liquid Latex Purple 16 oz ($18.49) – Of course, even if I’M allergic to liquid latex, I’m a big enough geek/nerd that oddly colored women turn me on (think She-Hulk green, or the Star Wars rainbow of Twi’leks), so I’d like to slather some onto a potential play partner for kinky and geeky fetish purposes.

23.) Kimono Regular 48 Pack ($46.99) – Years ago, when looking for a condom that fit me, I discovered that the Kimono brand was the one least likely to fall off like a pair of baggy clown pants.

24.) Safe Sex Kit ($8.99) – When I finally find that person out there who’s eager to have sex with me, it needs to be safe sex (the safer the better), so this little thingamabob seems a worthwhile addition to the condom on my little thingamabob.

25.) Endurance Flavored Condoms 3Pk-Banana ($3.19) – My bi-curiosity seems to think that I’ll end up sucking a cock at least once, and with safety a necessity, ‘banana’ seems a better flavor than ‘lubricated’.

26.) Latex Dental Dam ($2.49) – At the moment, I very much want to go down on a woman, and that means trying to figure out how this piece of safety equipment works.

27.) Lick A Lot A Puss ($18.99) – Hands-free technology comes to cunnilingus . . . and since I’m worried enough about fumbling around with a dental dam, this harness-thingy seems like an easier solution than getting an extra set of arms grafted on to hold her open.

28.) Sex! Card Game ($6.89) – Having missed out on the whole high-school/college party thing, I never got to play any sex games (drunken or otherwise, with either a single partner or a small crowd of horny perverts), and it’s something I’d love to do if the opportunity ever presented itself.

29.) Naughty Paradice ($7.49) – I’m a gamer (I’ve played D&D since 1980 or so) and with there already being running jokes among my friends about my big bag of dice, I figure why not start a naughty bag of sex dice?

30.) Strip Dice ($15.49) – In all honesty, I always figured that I’d have more patience with ‘Strip Cut-the-Deck-for-High-Card’ than I would for a game of ‘Strip Poker’, but a strip dice game like this might be exactly my speed.

31.) Let’s Fool Around Dice ($9.49) – A handful of dice and a group of like-minded perverts, and away we go!

32.) Noveltease Spicy Dice ($6.89) – Looking at the picture of this, I find myself wondering if ‘Suck My Toes’ is a possible result?

33.) Oral Sex Dice For Him ($7.49) – I like dice, oral sex looks fun, and I’m a ‘him’, so . . . yeah.

34.) Oral Sex Dice For Her ($7.49) – And if I can find a ‘her’ that likes dice and the prospect of oral sex, well, so much the better!

35.) Nude Female Playing Cards ($3.49) – I like cards, I like looking at nude females . . . another no-brainer.

36.) Sexy Spinner Fetish ($4.49) – Lots of uses here, but just to pick one, if I had a ‘spin the wheel, pick a fetish’ apparatus, I could probably start my own blog meme.

37.) Mr. & Mrs. Santa Having Sex Gift Wrap ($4.99) – Just in case I have to wrap a present for someone on Santa’s other naughty list.

38.) Mardi Gras Pecker Beads ($6.89) – In case I’m ever at a Mardi Gras themed party: “. . . breasts are round, normal beads are round, so that makes an even trade – but these beads are genital shaped, so if you’ll just show me your pussy . . .”

39.) Female Shot Glass ($4.49) – The nude female form is ever a thing of beauty, whether simply as a knick-knacky object d’art, or holding a shot of vodka.

40.) Wind Up Masturbating Monkey ($10.99) – Okay, if you really don’t understand the desire to own this fine looking product, let me refer you back to it’s name (“Wind Up Masturbating Monkey!”) and you should realize that EVERYONE needs one of these . . . it’s a wind-up masturbating monkey, for cryin’ out loud!

Grand Total: $997.20. Want to put together your own wish list? Check out the details for Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree.