Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sugasm #171 (Late Again, Sorry)

Sugasm #171

HNT courtesy of The Perverted Negress.

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #172? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Kiss Me If You Can

“I love the buildup, the discovery.”

Back To School

“Back at school a stolen glance across the corridor shows me you haven’t forgotten either.”

On Critics and Criticism

“But is it fair? Is it right?”

Sugasm Editor

Review: Babeland’s Under The Bed Restraints

Editor’s Choice


Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Big, Beautiful Women

The Ghost of Sex Toys Future (Part Three of Three)

Play with Gigi and Iris

Sex Advice

How to Properly Finger a Woman

BDSM & Fetish

And It Rained

A bedtime story

Caning Galleries


Inspiration, pain, subspace and bliss in the afternoon

The Spanking TOP 5 – Delivery #4

Time for a Shower

Tongue & Cheek–Medical Fetish Photo Story

Sex Humor

How Much Dick Would A Dick Cock Cock if A Dick Cock Could Suck Cock?

Out With The Old

News, Reviews & Interviews

Aural Sex Contest

Electrogasm coolness!

Flexi Felix

Jimmyjane Form 6 review

Top Five Tuesday - Judging a Porn By Its Cover

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

5 schoolgirls spanked and caned

HNT ~ Dana Lends a Hand. Or Two.

HNT: Strawberry Season - Part 2

Jenny McClain

Kim Kardashian Fucking Sexy Wallpapers

La Petite Mort

Salacious ~HNT

Sex Poetry

Late In The Game

Erotic Writing & Experiences

Cock Love

Confessional: Her Husband

Friday Night Plans: Faith


A Hot Summer’s Night Dream

Looks So Nasty in Those Khakis

The Package

The Tale of the Hot Blond Sex Machine (real story)

Wet Dream

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Year 39 Update

Back in early January, I posted a list of 39 Things to Do in Year 39
(December 23rd, 2009 through December 22nd, 2010). My intention was to update this list on a quarterly basis. Mainly because I had hopes that I’d actually be doing some of the things on this list instead of just failing at every social function I attended. Whoops.

So here we are, eight months and change into the year, and I’m just now getting around to the first update. Yikes.

#1 – Lose Virginity

No progress here. Still a virgin. In almost every conceivable way. Of the basic sexual acts available to me, I’ve managed to perform a grand total of two of them in my lifetime. I’ve masturbated. (Oh, how I’ve masturbated . . . ) And I’ve gone down on a woman. (One time, and that was almost ten years ago now.)

#2 – Confirm or Deny My Bi-Curiosity

No progress. While no female has consented to play with me (actually, one did consent, but didn’t follow through – didn’t even show up, in fact), I haven’t really even approached any males. I really, really, really want someone to slide their erect penis in and out of my lubed up asshole, but I have no idea how to ask for such a favor. Plus, I have NO ‘gaydar’ whatsoever. With my luck, the first person I’d end up asking would be a macho homophobe, looking for a fight.

#3 – Perform and Receive Oral Sex

No progress. My cock – not ever sucked to completion in the entirety of my life – has yet to see the inside of someone’s mouth this year. (This millennium, actually.)

Likewise, nobody has offered me their pussy to lick or their cock to suck yet, either.

#4 – Participate in a Group Sex Scene

Given that I haven’t even managed to participate in the basic two-some, it’s a fair bet that a sexual configuration with higher numerical values has yet to include me. So: no progress.

#5 – Engage in a Sex Act on at Least 12 Separate Occasions

If you choose to interpret this as ‘engage in at least one sex act a month’, then I’m currently eight acts behind. Which is sad, considering that we’re only eight months in. Masturbation doesn’t count for this, so I’ve accomplished nothing. No fucking progress. (No progress fucking?)

#6 – Participate in Mutual Masturbation or Performance Masturbation

Performance can’t exist without an audience. So, technically, I can put a checkmark next to this one having watched people fingering/jacking themselves at Darklady’s National Masturbation Month party (The Portland Solo Sex Circus Masturbate-a-Thon).

However, I’d much rather have a checkmark here for having someone watch me masturbate. Or for masturbating someone. Or having someone masturbate me. (A handjob would work, but I’m yearning as only a fetishist can for my first footjob.)

#7 – Penetrate a Woman With a Banana

No progress. The fantasy of fucking a woman with a banana goes unfulfilled thus far.

#8 – Fist a Woman

No progress here, either. But I would like to take this opportunity to mention that I attended the “Fisting and Footing” workshop at KinkFest, and got to watch someone lay back and take another woman’s condom-covered foot deep inside her pussy. I don’t think I’ve been that aroused in my entire life.

#9 – Seek Out Opportunities to Indulge My Foot Fetish

Also at KinkFest, I massaged the bare feet of one of the workshop instructors (different workshop than the “Fisting and Footing” one). I started with the left, then eventually moved to the right. During the massage of her right foot, I subtly switched from using my hands to using my mouth. Okay, actually, it wasn’t very subtle. But it did put the toes of her right foot in my mouth, and neither of us were complaining about that. I had planned on switching back to her left foot, to lick and suck on those toes as well, but she ran out of time. There was somewhere else she had to be, and so she ended up having to leave on feet only half toe-sucked. How very sad!

So now I’ve sucked on three feet (that’s fifteen toes, not 36 inches). One matched pair last November, and now one single. I sort of consider that single to be ‘unfinished business’, and hope to one day get the opportunity to put her left foot in my mouth, just to even things out.

#10 – Have an Erotic Encounter With a Woman Who is Wearing Clown Make-Up

No progress. There was a female clown at Darklady’s Masturbate-a-Thon, but nothing happened between us. Not even conversation, despite my best efforts.

#11 – Participate in Watersports Activities With a Woman

No progress. I messaged two women on FetLife who had listed an interest in watersports and an intention to attend KinkFest prior to the event to see if I could maybe set up some kind of activity. One of them I got no response from. The other politely declined in a response to my message, then appeared in the hotel restaurant where I was having breakfast during the event. She leaned in, and in a low voice asked, “Are you the ‘Clown’ who asked me to pee on him?”

I confirmed that I was, and she asked if she could join me for breakfast. She did, and we talked throughout the course of the meal, and several times afterwards during the conference. She was intelligent, witty, and above all, cock-hardening sexy. (If they were casting for “KinkFest 2009: The Movie” she’d be played by Mary-Louise Parker from “Weeds” and “The West Wing”.)

Before I met her, my reaction to her decision not to fulfill my watersports fantasy was, “Gee, that’s too bad”. Afterwards, it was, “Why, God, why? What have I done to displease you? Why won’t this incredibly hot chick urinate on me? Aaaaarrrrghhh!!!”

(Actually, after meeting her, I wanted more than just watersports. There was a whole checklist of perversion in my head that I wanted her help with once she was more than just a photo and fetish list. Alas, twas not to be.)

#12 – Engage in Erotic Body Writing

No progress. Whenever I’ve taken my Crayola Washable Markers anywhere with me, they’ve remained capped and in the bag.

#13 – Play With, Torment, and Torture Nipples

One thing that Darklady parties provide me with is access to topless ladies. Enough of them that after asking a few times, I usually find someone willing to let me fondle their breasts. So, I’ve gotten to play with a few sets of nipples. Roll, squeeze, and pull. But it’s a sex-friendly party, not necessarily a BDSM-enthusiast crowd. So thus far I’ve avoided things like pinch, pinch hard, and pinch so hard my hand cramps up. That’s where my serious interest lies, but I can’t deny that I still have fun with roll, squeeze, and pull . . . so I’ll be content with that for awhile.

#14 – Perform Some Impact Play

No progress. Why spanking/paddling/beating didn’t happen at KinkFest is a longer and more depressing story than I’m getting into here.

#15 – Obtain a Flogger and Learn to Use It

Floggers are more expensive than I’d realized. No progress. Trying to save up money thus far hasn’t worked, as the bills keep insisting on being paid. Stupid bills.

#16 – Put Together a Toybag

Starting to slowly accumulate more toys – the CyberSkin Pussy and padded blindfold obtained at the Portland Masturbate-a-Thon , and the LELO Iris vibrator I won in Ginger Leigh’s sex toy giveaway. But still nothing on the order of a toybag or portable toybox for sex toys and BDSM gear.

#17 – Dominate a Submissive

No progress. Was hoping for a temporary submissive so I could attend Leatherwoods, but nothing happened there. Dagnabbit.

#18 – Do Some Bondage Play

No progress. When will I get to strip somebody naked and tie her up? I just don’t know.

#19 – Dom/Top For a Humiliation Scene

No progress. Haven’t found anyone who is local, into humiliation, and wants to play with me. Wow, do I ever need to start going to the Salem munches.

#20 – Experience the Bottom’s Role In a (Heavily Supervised) BDSM Scene

No progress. I’d like to shanghai my pal Zorch (not his real name)(who recently graduated, passed his boards, and is now a registered nurse) and drag him off to the Asylum Dungeon to stand around while I get flogged (or whatever) and make sure that they stop if I start having problems. And that nobody calls 911 in case I lose consciousness or have a seizure (both of which are regular occurrences, and not something I want to go to the ER for any more).

#21 – Obtain Some BDSM ‘Cred’

I don’t think there’s been any progress here, although it’s hard to tell, since even though I wrote it down as a goal, I’m still not 100% certain what it actually means.

#22 – Read a Minimum of 12 Kink or BDSM Manuals

I’ve finally started reading “The Ethical Slut”. And I’ve bought a few applicable books to start a ‘read me’ stack. Hanne Blank’s “Big Big Love”, “The Compleat Spanker” by Lady Green, and “Playing With Disabilities” edited by Robert J. Rubel, Ph.D.

I’m not worried about finding time to read. I tend to average a book a week even when I’m busy. When I dedicate a couple of weeks to reading I can plough through a surprisingly large amount of written material. My only real concern at this point is obtaining eight more books on the relevant topics.

#23 – Make More Friends on Fetlife

Since posting the original 39 Things to Do in Year 39 list, I’ve added six more people to my FetLife friends list. I’ve also met a few other people through the site that I’m conversing with, but haven’t yet ‘friended’ for one reason or another.

#24 – Start Attending Munches and Meeting People

One day in January, I attended two back-to-back munches. A Littles munch, followed by the Salem munch. And so far, that’s been it for me and munches this year. The fact that I don’t drive and don’t live in the city where they take place doesn’t really help my ability to attend at all.

#25 – Attend An Event (Several if Possible)

I went to KinkFest. (Not that you’d know it, by the lack of a KinkFest report in the blog.) That’s ‘attend an event’. I wanted to attend Leatherwoods, but as I said, that fell through. I don’t know if there’s anything else happening between now and late December. So that might be it for Year 39.

#26 – Attend a Sex Party (Several if Possible)

I’ve been to a couple of Darklady’s ‘sex-friendly’ shindigs this year, and am hoping to go to others. (The next one is early September, and is back to school/reform school themed.)

#27 – Spend Time at a Party or Event Nude

No progress. Too shy. Too aware that I’m fat. STOP LOOKING AT ME!

#28 – Find or Build a Network of Rides To and From Events

Fortunately, Darklady has been able to find people to take me to-and-from her last couple of parties. Otherwise I’d have had to just sit at home and cry for my complete and total lack of a transportation structure. Progress: None.

#29 – Find a Recurring Play Partner

No progress. Haven’t even found a one-time play partner this year.

#30 – Participate in Some Age Play

No progress. And the lack of progress here is yet another reason why I feel the need to start attending the age play munches. Finding BDSM play partners seems difficult enough. I fear that finding age play participants may just be impossible.

#31 – Do Some General Sexual Roleplaying

No progress. Having sex with a woman while pretending you and her are teacher and student having an illicit liaison is one thing – sitting at home and jacking off while pretending that you’re a teacher whose sitting at home and jacking off seems fairly pointless to me.

#32 – Start an Erotic/Pornographic Photo Album

No progress. No play partners equals no opportunities to take naughty photos.

#33 – Pimp the Blog

I pimped the blog on FetLife quite a bit in January and February. March’s ‘Time Delay’ offerings didn’t really have any pimpable topics, and after that the blog posts slowed to a trickle. I was posting so infrequently that I completely forgot that I was supposed to be trying to find new readers. (Duh. Or D’oh! Take your pick.)

I have been announcing most of the more recent blog posts on my Twitter account. But I need to get back to the more specific targeting that I was doing when I was matching topics to FetLife groups and posting announcements about blog posts that group members might be interested in.

#34 – Write Some Erotica

Back in February I posted a piece on the blog entitled ‘Beating My Head Against the (Fiction) Writer’s Block Again’, in which I talked about having written a piece which I submitted to for their annual Literotica Survivor contest.

The story in question (“Love Letter”) can be found here. I haven’t written anything since then. I’ve missed several of the sub-contests within the main contest, and losing out on those vital points has really lessened my drive to compete in this year’s competition.

But, one story counts as ‘some erotica’, so . . . I can put the big satisfying checkmark of completion next to this and move on. Ah!

#35 – Make Somebody Cum Mule For Me

No progress. Yeah, of course there’s no progress. If I can’t find anyone to suck my cock, I certainly can’t find anyone willing to swallow a tied-shut condom containing a load of semen that’s been sucked out of me.

#36 – Keep a Pair of Panties as a Souvenir

No progress. Again, in order to find a play/sex partner willing to let me have her panties, I first have to start finding play/sex partners.

#37 – Obtain Some Sort of Fetishwear

No progress. I did some price comparisons on leather vests before KinkFest. I’ve also given thought to picking up some kind of formal clownwear that I could pass off as fetishwear via the concept of uniform fetishism. Hey, a clown’s costume is a type of uniform. It counts.

#38 – Do Some Naughty ‘Stuff’ in a Non-Kink Setting

No progress. No strip poker. No co-ed skinny dipping. No truth or dare, no spin the bottle.

#39 – Play in a Hot Tub

No progress. Which just breaks my heart.

I was in a hot tub at KinkFest. Several times. Some of those times with other people, some of whom were female. There was a point at which a woman – another KinkFest attendee – kept letting herself float partially upward until her bare toes surfaced like ten little submarine periscopes. So I gathered up my courage, and asked the question: “The next time those toes come up for air, would I end up getting slapped if I played with them?”

Her response was, “I wouldn’t slap you. But I wouldn’t like it. And depending on exactly what you did, I might have to leave the hot tub.”

Oh. Well, fuck. Her toes surfaced again, and I kept my hands (and mouth, and everything else) to myself.

Later, in mid-July, the Salem Munch threw a picnic/barbecue thing. I was about to contact the organizers to possibly RSVP and start looking for a ride when I got an infection in my leg that sidelined me. One of the draws of this event? Nude hot tubbing. Argh!

Too Much ‘No Progress’, Not Enough ‘Progress’

If you see me at a party or an event, please, for the love of God, proposition me!

Offer to let me finger you. Ask me if I’d like to suck on your bare female toes. Offer to let me go down on you. Ask me fuck you. Offer to let me have sex with you and your girlfriend. Or you and your boyfriend/husband. Take my hand and lead me to the hot tub. Ask me to write on you.

Offer to let me suck your cock. Offer to fuck me in the ass. Invite me to a three-way with your girlfriend or wife. Or with your boyfriend. Or a four-way with both. Or an even larger group.

Help me put some more checkmarks on this list!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Crush or Fetish?

Another three-part post. But this time I’m planning on having it finished and posted inside of a single week, rather than stretching it out over the course of seven like the last one ended up taking.

Of course, I wasn’t actually planning on that ridiculous seven week schedule for the last one. I never PLAN on these gaps and delays. They just kind of happen. In fact, if I hadn’t had this post nearly complete when Dad went into the hospital (again) on Saturday, there’d probably be nothing new here today.

[I swear, there are times that I think the hospital should issue my dad ‘frequent flier miles’ for his stays.]

But as I sit here typing this introduction thing, I’ve got the second and third part of this thing outlined, and neither part should take long to write, so I’m hoping that it all goes smoothly. Really, my only concern at this point is actually getting up to the library to post the damn things.

Oh, God Help Us, It’s Disclaimer Time Again!

Fetish is an overused word. And usually, when I see it being so carelessly tossed around, it’s also an improperly used term.

I bring this up because I’m going to be horribly misusing the word in this post, just like everyone else does, and I wanted you to know right up front that I DO know what it means. Despite what would be all the following evidence to the contrary if not for this little disclaimer.

‘Fetish’, when used in a sexual connotation refers to a body part, inanimate object, or abstract situation that – while not normally sexual in-and-of itself – is greatly arousing for the person that specific form of fetish affects.

I’ve seen and heard many a semi-informed argument whether a fetish is the same thing as a paraphilia. Paraphilias are acknowledged as medical/psychological disorders. A lot of people seem to think that ‘fetish’ and ‘paraphilia’ are interchangeable. But as I understand it, while paraphilia is an umbrella term that fetish sits under, fetish isn’t the only sexual behavior there. All fetishes are paraphilias, but not all paraphilias are fetishes.

Anyway, one of the biggest misunderstandings about what fetish actually means is illustrated by the guy who thinks that bare female feet are sexy, and then proclaims himself to have a foot fetish based on popular use of the word. (That could be me, by the way.) When in truth, one of the key ingredients in the definition of fetishism is the fact that a fetishist is unable to achieve sexual satisfaction without the object of his fetish being present.

I jack off. A lot. I’ve never jacked off with a foot in my lap (or my mouth, or whatever). And while I sometimes jack off to foot fetish porn, that’s only one in a large number of categories of masturbatory inspiration I’ve been known to use.

A true, by the books, according to definition ‘foot fetishist’ could only masturbate to foot fetish porn, and could only ‘complete’ a sexual act if there was some fetishistic footplay involved. (That’s not me.)

People these days seem to think that ‘sexual preference’ means whether you like having sex with men, women, or both – and that the term has no other uses. But a lot of what I see listed as fetishes (especially on places like FetLife) seem like they’d be more accurately listed as sexual preferences. I suppose that technically, I’d be considered more a foot preferencist than a foot fetishist. (Despite the fact that my spellchecker informs me that preferencist isn’t a word.)

The majority of the use I’ve seen ‘fetish’ gets falls somewhere in between the extremes of “I can’t get it up and get off unless she’s wearing studded leather” and “Like all guys, I think boobs are neat – therefore I must have a boob fetish!” Most people have what they call fetishes that aren’t (sex-)life or death necessary to get off, but are more than the basic genitals and erogenous zones.

And that’s the version of ‘fetish’ that I tend to use myself. I don’t list every part of a woman I like as a fetish (along with every sex toy I find interesting, and every fantasy that intrigues me), and I don’t seem to have any ‘true’ fetishes (nothing I can’t live without, if I had to). But if you ask me what fetishes I have, I can give you a long list of informal preferences that’ll probably make you sorry you asked.

The ‘Fetish’ of the Day

But this post isn’t about how badly I want to lick and suck on pretty bare female toes. Nor is it about my long-held desire to have some kind of erotic encounter with a woman made up like a clown.

I’m not here to talk about red hair, or unnaturally colored hair (fluorescent green, metallic purple, cotton candy pink, etc.), or pigtails, or glasses, or bridal lingerie. Today isn’t the day for discussion about body writing, or bananas as penetration toys, or girls named Molly (or Stephanie, or Jane), or any of a ridiculous number of things that really, really, really turn me on.

No, the current fetish of the day is something . . . different. Something that I’ve been pondering in the back of my head for some time now, wondering if it even IS a legitimate fetish (even by the loosely misdefined terms I’m using for it).

I Really Wish That Other Fetish Hadn’t Already Taken The Name

There are people who get off by watching a woman – either barefoot or wearing the infamous ‘sexy shoes’ – crush things beneath their feet. (Oftentimes live bugs and stuff.) This is known as the Crush Fetish, and it is going to cause me some problems this week.

As the existence of the previously known and acknowledged ‘crush fetish’ keeps me from using that name for what I’m going to be talking about, I will instead refer (once I get that far) to the Fetish of the Day as . . . the Fetish Crush.

Let’s hope that nobody confuses the two.

What Is a Crush?

When adults get themselves a boyfriend/girlfriend, the relationship is usually based on the existence of (whether real or not) love. But when kids attach themselves similarly, it’s only called ‘love’ by them. Adults look down on them and say that it’s just a crush.

Call it a crush. Call it puppy love, or infatuation, or whatever other term makes you happy. A crush isn’t a true emotional connection in the sense of romantic love. What it is, as near as I can tell, is an obsession.

But little kids don’t know obsession. They’re familiar with love, courtesy of television and movies and whatnot. And, of course, their parents, if they come from a non-dysfunctional family.

(A functional family is borderline. But if a dysfunctional family is way below the line, and a dystopia is the opposite of a utopia, then is a family that’s far above the line a ufunctional family? Why the fuck do I sit around wondering about these things?)

When a child becomes obsessed with another child (traditionally a child of the opposite sex in this still largely homophobic world of modern parenting) and ‘realizes’ that these feelings are ‘love’, it’s, “Oh, look, how cute, Jimmy has a little crush on Alison!” Or whatever.

But these crushes aren’t limited to age appropriate pairings. Or even category appropriate. Examples here are the kindergartener’s crush on his teacher, or the adolescent’s crush on the big famous rock-n-roller. [Not that I ever daydreamed about having a romantic relationship with Cyndi Lauper when I was young. Oh, heavens, no. *Turns and walks away, hands in pockets, whistling innocently.*]

So If That’s The Standard Crush, Then What’s Today’s Post About?

I’m a pervert. I’m into BDSM. I’m kinky (in theory, if not in practice). Kinky BDSM perverts don’t get ‘crushes’. And the only time that kinky BDSM perverts have something that could be called ‘puppy love’ is when they’re fucking their collared-and-leashed partner doggy style.

Since trying to become an active part of the BDSM and Sex-Positive communities, I’ve met people that I want to play with. I’ve met people that I want to fuck. But I’ve also met the other people.

What other people? I’m so glad that I pretended you asked. I’m talking about the people that I have to play with. (Not ‘want to’, but ‘have to’.) And the people that I think that I’ll die if I don’t fuck.

Unlike a small child, I understand obsession. As well as things like lust. I’ve met people that I know I’m not in love with (not yet, at any rate). But find myself obsessing over them.

Oh, not all the time. These people don’t occupy my every thought or anything. But I do find myself thinking about them more and more here lately. (Hence the blog post.)

Part of their recent increase in my thoughts is due in part – I’m almost certain – to my legendary virginity and my equally legendary desire to rid myself of it. I think that the conjunction of “This is someone that I have to fuck!” and “I have to fuck someone!” is causing me brain problems.

So Just Who Are My Fetish Crushes?

Ah, ah, ah . . . not so fast. Let’s start off with what type of people are my fetish crushes, and then move on from there.

So far, in the past year-and-a-half(-ish), I’ve attended: two KinkFests (which included two dungeon play parties at each event), the Halloween party at the Asylum Dungeon, three of Darklady’s ‘Sex-Positive’ parties (including her famous annual Masturbate-a-Thon), and a couple of munches.

Whenever I walk through a play party, I’ll watch people playing, and I’ll think to myself, “Man-oh-man, would I ever like to play with her.”

But here’s the thing: When I see a man and a woman playing together, I can’t tell if they’ve simply come together for the moment to play, or if they’re in a monogamous relationship, taking the opportunity to play in a semi-public forum. (Or on BDSM furniture that they themselves don’t own, or whatever.)

So while I walk around thinking, “I’d like to play with her,” I also find myself thinking, “I’d like to play with someone like her.”

I’d like to play with someone like her. Be in a relationship with someone like her. Have someone like her as a submissive/slave. Et cetera and so on.

I definitely have the mindset that I need to find myself an unattached woman for an eventual relationship (BDSM or otherwise) rather than plucking a specific somebody out of an already on-going situation.

But the more I experience the few goings-on that I’m able to within the local community, the more people I become aware of. I’m not so much actually meeting people as I am becoming familiar with the local players. The people that everybody knows. (The ‘Norms from Cheers’.)

Some of these people have made me think thoughts close to – but not quite at – Fetish Crush level interest. Some of them are people that I’d definitely seize the opportunity to play with, given the chance.

But my actual Fetish Crushes thus far have been more along the lines of celebrity/professional types in the local sex and/or BDSM fields. I’m talking about writers, artists, workshop instructors, and so on. People who I not only find incredibly hot, but who also hold what I see as being some position of authority.

Yeah, crush might usually be between equals, bur Fetish Crush – at least for me – is more along the lines of the teacher/rockstar thing.

I Repeat: Just Who Are My Fetish Crushes?

Well, I’ll tell you this . . . there are currently two of them. And if I really am back on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule, then there are two posts left this week.

Cue evil laughter.

Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha . . .

Cue ‘TO BE CONTINUED’ banner.

To Be Continued

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Ghost of Sex Toys Future (Part Three of Three)

In the past, I had lousy luck with sex toys. But that’s starting to change.

I’ve got an LELO Iris to tempt a woman to come play with me. “All the better to fuck you with, my dear!” (Good Lord, I’ve gone from Charles Dickens to the Brothers Grimm.)

I’ve got a CyberSkin Pussy to help me get off. (In fact, just yesterday, I made sweet, sweet love to my CyberSkin Pussy while watching Sasha Grey stick her foot up inside of Stoya on my computer monitor.)

But is two toys (one for me, and one for her – whoever this currently mythical ‘her’ turns out to be) enough? I don’t think so.

Return to the Ginger Leigh Sex Toy Contest List

In the previous installments of this series, I’ve written about the sex toys I’ve owned in the past, and the sex toys I own now. Which means it’s time to look to the future, and discuss the sex toys I’d like to add to my meager collection.

I’ve already made a good start on that when I posted that list of
a thousand dollars worth of toys I wanted from for Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree Contest. Of course, doesn’t carry everything I wanted, but we’ll talk about that later on.

Not everything on my forty item long list really qualifies as an actual sex toy. I mean, as much as I might want a wind-up masturbating monkey, I can’t justify spending any real time discussing it in this post. (Hell, knowing me, it might get a post of it’s own later on.)

So before I talk about the things on the Ginger Leigh Contest List, I must first whittle it down somewhat.

Today’s topic is sex toys and not bondage gear and other BDSM paraphernalia, so that knocks nine items off the list right there. Removing dirty card and dice games eliminates another eight. Naughty gift wrap, Mardi Gras pecker beads, the shot glass that looks like the nude female torso, that glorious wind-up masturbating monkey . . . things like this can all come off the list for today’s discussion as well.

And there are still things on the list that aren’t – to my mind, anyway – actual sex toys. More mundane items like condoms and dental dams are sexual necessities, but not really toys. And is liquid latex a sex toy? I wouldn’t think so.

Body crayons might qualify as toys, but they go, because Crayola washable markers do the same thing, and I picked up a set of those at Wal*Mart prior to a Darklady party. (Didn’t get to use them, sadly.)

I’m also removing the Feeldoe, the banana-shaped vibrator, the pony-tailed butt-plug, and the glow-in-the-dark speculum from the list. Because while these are all indeed sex toys, they aren’t among the sex toys that I want the most.

The Remaining Six Items

Paring the list down to six items gives us a selection of five things to stick my cock in, and one thing to stick in my ass.

Before I continue, I want to say that I love my CyberSkin Pussy. I’m grateful to Darklady for having them among the sex toys handed out at her Masturbate-a-Thon party, and I’m grateful to Topco Toys for providing her with them so that she could do so.

But to be perfectly honest, I’d really like to have something fuckable that was ‘hands-free’. Which is why both of the artificial vaginas on my list included more ‘body’ than just the opening of the vulva. Both the CyberSkin Pussy & Ass w/Suction and the Roxy Jezel’s Doggie Style Ass & Pussy are intended to sit on a flat surface (the CyberSkin Pussy & Ass even has suction cups so it won’t go anywhere while you’re mounting it) and get fucked without you needing to continually grasp a handle to keep it in place.

The next two items on the list are electronic masturbators. The CyberSkin Power Stroker is simply a work of genius. Like the rest of the high tech jack-off toys I’ve seen, you stick your cock in it, and it strokes you until you cum. But unlike the rest, this one isn’t battery operated. No, this one plugs into a USB port and runs off of your computer’s power supply. Like I said: Genius!

I’m usually watching my computer monitor when I’m masturbating anyway. (The computer is where my collection of porn clips live.) So this device make perfect sense.

The other high-tech masturbation toy is the Electronic Stroke Master. It does take batteries, but it’s got a little something extra that sings out ‘You Must Own Me!’ to my obsessive-compulsive brain. In addition to stroking you however many times it takes you to get off, . . . it informs you of just how many times that was.

The Electronic Stroke Master has a digital read-out that tells you how many strokes it took you to reach orgasm. It’s basically intended as an ejaculation training aid. Giving you a number to beat, so that you know when you’re increasing your ability to hold off cumming too soon. And by exactly how much.

Now, while I suppose that I would also use this function for it’s intended purpose, I mainly just want to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop. Wait, – what? That doesn’t seem right. Let me try this again. I want to know how many strokes it takes to get the semen to spurt out of my cock. (Wise old owl refused to consult on that one.)

Johnny Dirtnap (not his real name) was always trying to find acceptable substitutes for a girlfriend for me. His favorite one of these was a rubber vagina that I could suction cup to a wall and bang away at. So really, it’s mainly nostalgia purposes that have caused me to include the low-tech Wallbanger Masturbator at the fifth position on this list.

I’m not sure that I could actually use this when stuck to a wall. The edge of a table, maybe. But with enormous obese gut and smaller-than-average penis, my stomach would probably hit the wall before my cock slid into the Wallbanger. Still, I’d find a way to fuck it. I’d find something I could suction it to that would work.

The last item on the six item version of the list is something called the “Up/Down Anal Pleaser”. It’s shaped like the standard buttplug, which is a little worrisome. I’ll remind you that I’m a big obese man, with – among other problems – a bad back. I have to contort myself a little more than an average sized person in order to be in a position to slip anything up my own ass.

But given what this object claims, I’d be willing to risk the discomfort of inserting it. Despite it’s external shape, it’s not a simple butt-plug. It has internal rings of stroking beads that – according to the product description – simulate anal sex.

I want to experience anal, at least once. (Probably more than once, but at this point I’m fantasizing about the act without knowing whether or not I’m going to actually enjoy it.) But I don’t have anyone willing to help me fulfill this desire. Nobody with a flesh-and-blood erection, nobody with a strapped-on dildo.

So if I can’t have actual anal sex, a toy that will simulate it would probably be the next best thing.

Of course, as it turns out, these six items total $377.44. And that’s before shipping. That’s more money than I get in a month. All of this stuff is kind of beyond my price range. At least, these brands from this store. Methinks comparison shopping might be in order.

Other Things I Want/Need

Thinking back to the anal probe fiasco of a few years ago (the inability to get it in my ass, not the toy getting eaten by mice), I find that I want some kind of anal probe that will function properly for me.

I’ve seen an anal vibrator that’s basically a vibrating egg/bullet mounted on a long flexible rod. Flexible, not fall-over-floppy. (Butt-Fucker On a Stick?) I don’t know if anyone has used this ‘flexible rod’ technology to produce a non-vibrating version, but even if they haven’t, who’s to say that I wouldn’t enjoy a little vibration where the sun doesn’t shine?

And of course, I want a RealDoll. Come on, honestly, who doesn’t want a RealDoll?

If You Build It, She Will [Come/Cum]

Do I need an assortment of dildos and vibrators? A clitoral stimulator? One of those neat little toys with a double phallus, both pointing forward, intended for simultaneous vaginal and anal penetration? Vibrating bullet? Vibrating butterfly? Ben-wa balls? Nipple pumps? A pussy pump? Something curved for g-spot stimulation?

Not for my own personal masturbatory use, no. These are things I do not need.

However . . . I want a woman in my life. Specifically, in my sex life. FiancĂ©e/wife, girlfriend, BDSMI play partner, submissive, slave, friend-with-benefits/fuckbuddy, or whatever else I could get. (A one-night stand wouldn’t work, but God help me, an near-infinite series of one-night stands might fulfill me sexually if not emotionally.)

Anyway, the point is, once the miracle happens and I lure an adult female into my lair for sex, it wouldn’t hurt to have some female-specific sex toys. Something between an “In Case A Hot Chick Crawls Into Your Bed, Break Glass” box and a horny kinky male version of a hope chest. Containing dildos and vibrators and so on.

Building a collection of sex toys that I can’t even use might seem pointless. But I think of it as being kind of like buying a lottery ticket. There’s always that small chance that it will lead to my sliding a dildo in and out of someone’s hot wet pussy. You just never know.

Weird Stuff (No, Really . . . Weird, Weird Stuff)

Speaking of the lottery, if I were to ever hit the jumbogantic multigazillion dollar jackpot, I’d probably buy some of the weird stuff available from adult shops. As odd little conversation pieces if nothing else. (After buying all the other toys I talk about here, of course. Including a couple of RealDolls.)

I have NO desire to own the infamous baby Jesus butt plug. But the dildo shaped like the Grim Reaper seems like a good stylistic match.

Actually, sitting here at the keyboard at just after one in the morning, I’m having trouble remembering some of the weirder things that I’ve seen. I know that I’ve had a number of serious WTF!?! moments, both in adult shops and surfing the net (way back when I had my own internet access). I can remember the feeling, I just can’t remember most of the objet d’fuck that triggered them.

The one really weird thing that I can recall is The Feet. (Go figure.) Yes, some porn actress apparently known for doing fetish films had a casting made of her peds, and started selling either hard rubber or soft plastic reproductions of them.

And I’m guessing that they sold well, because since then, I’ve seen other reproduction feet available for sale. Weird. Weird, weird, weird. Rubber doll foot, chopped off at the ankle. (At least you can’t see blood and severed bone on what looks like a clean ankle slice.) Bare female feet arouse me, but these ridiculous things fail to turn me on. At all.

(And yet, I can’t deny the possibility that if I owned a set, I could eventually be discovered sucking on their cold lifeless toes. For practice, if nothing else. Creepy, but true.)

Zeitgeist the Clown’s Toy Reviews?

I find myself wondering how one goes about becoming a sex toy reviewer. Everybody else in the sex blogosphere does it, why shouldn’t I?

[I think that’s the first time I referred to myself as a member of the sex blogosphere. Come to think of it, it might actually be the first time I ever used the term ‘blogosphere’. Huh.]

Not having an actual sex life probably puts a crimp in things, but there must be some way to go about it.

My current thoughts on the matter are that I could test very specific products and write reviews that catered to the partnerless, bi-curious, obese, underendowed male demographic. I wonder how big that market is?

America IS getting fatter. And statistically, there should be as many below-average sized cocks as there are above-average sized ones. Hmm . . .

Seriously, though: If any sex blogging toy reviewers happen to read this post, and have advice for me on how to get into the world of obtaining free toys in exchange for writing about them, you should let me know. Either by commenting on the blog, or by sending an email to zeitgeist_the_clown (the ‘at’ sign) yahoo (period, colloquially known as a ‘dot’) com. [Address modified for protection against robots. Damn you, robots!]

Spirit, Are These Toys I Will Have, Or Might Have Only

Sex toys cost money, and I’m poor. So despite the fantasy of owning a big boxful of them, the reality is that I probably won’t.

Why am I pointing this out? Mainly because I felt that the post needed a heading with an ‘A Christmas Carol’ reference, and this is the one that I chose.

Hopefully I’m all finished thematically basing posts on Charles Dickens references now.

UPDATE -- "And Later That Day . . ."

This entry was autoposted at 9:00 in the morning (long before I was out of bed). But later on in the day I was using my brother's internet, and I discovered a contest whose prize is a $100 gift card to Eden Fantasys.

"Hmm", I thought to myself. "Yes, I would like a hundred bucks worth of free sex toys." Especially after just having posted what I did in today's post, yes? Yes.

And I thought that maybe you might want a chance at it, too. So, here's the deal: Go here and do what it says.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The First Anniversary Post

On August 12th, 2008, I started a blog. This blog. Which means, it’s now the first anniversary of “Time Delay”. Whee!

It Doesn’t Seem Like a Year

Like the heading says: the whole anniversary thing kinda snuck up on me. It doesn’t seem like it’s been a whole 365 days since I started this thing.

There were two posts that first day. Then a couple more over the next couple of weeks. Then nothing for awhile. But then . . .

From mid-October through March I was posting like crazy. Three times a week for a lot of it. (And daily for a few stretches in December.) Three times a week might not seem like a lot to regular bloggers, but it’s a long walk to an internet connection from my web-less house. Plus the posts in question all tended to be longish. Usually in the neighborhood of 2000 to 6000 words apiece.

The blog was my purpose in life, and I was – for the most part – having a blast. And what they say is true: Time flies when you’re having fun.

Beyond that, the statement ‘it doesn’t feel like I’ve been blogging for a whole year’ is undoubtedly due in part to the fact that I’ve barely posted anything for the past four months. There’s been an awful lot of ‘dead air’ recently.

I don’t know if I’m back to three posts a week now, but I do know that there are three posts THIS week. After that, well, we’ll see what happens.

ZtC’s Ten Favorite “Time Delay” Posts

I decided to look back over the first year and pick out my ten favorite posts. Going over my catalog of posting activity, I was able to find about twenty or so contenders that I narrowed the list down from. I also found ten or fifteen posts that could easily fill up a list of Worst Posts Ever. (Not even just Worst ‘Time Delay’ Posts Ever, but actual Worst Posts in the History of Blogging.) But I’ve decided not to ‘brag’ about those, and just concentrate instead on the ones I really liked.

#10 on the list is a fairly recent post. The Ghost of Sex Toys Present (Part Two of Three) continues the story of my relationship with sex toys. This time talking about my two most recent additions to my toy collection (bringing the current collection to a total of two toys from it’s previous count of zero). It was fun to write, and I couldn’t wait to move on to part three in the series. And yet curiously enough, I did wait. Hmm.

ZtC’s Wish List (for Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree Contest) was also a fun little sex toy oriented post to put together, coming in at #9 on my list of favorites. Having to sort through a stack of saved webpages and put together a wishlist of $1000 worth of naughty toys wasn’t the hard part. Nor was talking about why I wanted each toy. No, the challenge for me was sticking to the rules and limiting myself to a single sentence for each toy. Long winded me didn’t like that. No, long winded me didn’t like that at all.

#8 was written at the last possible moment, when I couldn’t think of anything that I really wanted to write. Based on that origin, I’m surprised that Reverse Day ended up on my list of favorites, but as I was skimming through blog entries the other day, I marked this as one of the posts to reread before writing the big anniversary post. Is it a little disjointed? Yes. Are the subtopics gathered and held together by a bare thread of commonality? Yes. Is that part of why I like it? I think so.

If I had done a top ten favorites list earlier in the year, 39 Things to Do in Year 39 would have been much higher than #7. The reason that it’s not higher now has nothing to do with the post itself, and everything to do with my failure (thus far, at least) to achieve the things on that list. But that gets talked about in more detail in a post later on this month.

#6 on the list is one of the Age Play posts. Age Play (Part Four), to be exact. I had serious difficulty choosing between parts four and five. I thought about including them both as a single unit, but that would be cheating. And as I knew that I’d be cheating later on in the list, I didn’t want to do it twice. So part four it was. This post deals with age play as it relates to me specifically – my views, the age play roles I want to play, and so on.

Masturbation cums in at number #5 on the list, and wow do I ever wish that I’d’ve been able to skip that oh-so-obvious pun back there. Alas, twas not to be. Moving on from that – the Masturbation post was the first one where I used subheadings, which went on to become a consistent device here in the blog.

Now we come to the post I’ve chosen for #4 on this list. Before I started writing it, I assumed that it would be a single post. Sure, it got a little out of hand during the creative process, but I don’t hold that against it. I posted it the first week in December, and for the purposes of this list, I’m going to pretend that was a slow week, with only the one post. Yeah, you guessed it. I’m talking about the “Sue, Rabbit, Penny, Dot, and CJ” post (actually series). Hey, it’s my blog, and I can cram a six post series into one ‘favorite’ slot if I want to. So that’s what I’m doing here. The prelude, the post about Sue and Rabbit, the posts about Penny and Dot and the two posts about CJ (Parts One and Two). The six posts about the first five girls/women I ever loved are number four on this little top ten favorites list.

Then, in at #3, is BDSMI. I like the post, but even more than that, I like the subject matter. (I only wish that I’d been able to get more feedback on it.) As someone who – so far – hasn’t been able to get into a BDSM relationship or even get a lot of ‘play’ at the few parties I’ve attended, the subject of BDSM’s connection-to/separation-from sex is one that never fails to make my brain light up and take notice.

#2. Answering the question that has astounded the ages. Yes, Brodie, There Is An Orange Rock Dork. Yes, I spent an entire lengthy post discussing the genitals of Ben Grimm, the Ever-Lovin’ Blue-Eyed Thing of the Fantastic Four. And while I was writing this masterpiece, the horny fanboy in me has never been happier.

And then we have the #1 spot, currently held by my event report for Darklady’s 9th Annual Masturbate-a-Thon – The Solo Sex Circus. I’ve been writing up weird little event reports since 1995. Mainly concerts, science-fiction conventions, and the like. First for zines, then for blogs. This is the first one that I really felt came together like it should have. Rereading it takes me back to the party. (And makes me wish I’d seized a few opportunities and propositioned a few people I neglected to the first time around). But most importantly, I received a comment on this piece . . . from the Dark One herself! How cool is that?

The Mishaps

As mentioned earlier, the past four months have been ridiculously post-light. Ten posts in four months, and two of those were simply reposts of Sugasms. So really, only eight posts that I actually had to sit down and write. An average of two posts a month, compared to my old standard of three posts a week. Sad. Just sad.

But as sad as it might seem, at least there were posts in those months. At least one in each, at any rate. Not like September. September – for one reason or another – found itself getting skipped completely. It was four posts in August, then nothing in September. (I had excuses – health problems (CFIDS), misstepping off a curb and fucking up my ankle, actually writing three posts but suffering a hard drive crash before getting them to the internet to post, etc.) Yikes!

But a post-less month and several post-light months weren’t my only mishap during this past year.

December had a fair number of Christmas posts in it (starting with the weekly ‘Advent’ posts, but there were others dotted throughout the month as well.) Now that there’s some distance between me and having written them, I discover that I only like a grand total of none of them. They all sucked.

I don’t know if I simply shouldn’t have been writing about Christmas, or if I should have been writing about Christmas better. Differently. I just don’t know.

Now that I think about it, I’m not very fond of my Halloween posts, either. Maybe I should have just ignored the holidays as a source of post themes altogether. Hmm. Something to think about for year two, I guess.

But perhaps the biggest mishap of all was the KinkFest mishap. KinkFest is Oregon’s annual BDSM conference, held each March at an undisclosed location in Portland. I attended my first KinkFest in 2008, and had a great time! And knowing that I would be going again this year, I planned to write up and post an event report following KinkFest. I also wrote and posted a few posts under a “The Road to KinkFest – X Days and Counting” banner where the X in question started at 57 and worked it’s way down to 3 (with stops along the way at 43, 29, 14, and 3).

There were other posts in there – ‘Bed’ notable among them – that were also somewhat KinkFest-centric. Leading up to the event, ‘Time Delay’ was pretty much KinkFest, KinkFest, KinkFest!

During the event, I send a number of updates from my celphone to my Twitter account. But after the event was over, I got sick. Too much running around at the event had tired me out to the extent that I had a CFIDS flare-up, and that apparently left me susceptible to bronchitis. The bronchitis stayed for well over a month. During that time, I wrote nothing. Including, no KinkFest Report.

Before the event it was All KinkFest, All the Time. Afterwards, it was nothing. KinkFest? I Know Not of This KinkFest of Which You Speak.

To date, there still hasn’t been a KinkFest report, and given how woefully non-topical it would be at this late stage, I’m starting to sincerely doubt that there ever will be a report on KinkFest 09 here in the blog.

Unfinished Business

It seems like one of my most used phrases is “there’ll be an upcoming post on that topic in the near future”. I’ve noticed that these upcoming posts tend to remain ‘upcoming’. As in still not here yet.

I keep promising to do a post on Foot Fetishism. And another post on some of the less common I’ve got. I’ve also mentioned wanting to do a post about my fetishistic attraction to the classic Batgirl.

I’ve talked about writing a post (possibly series of posts) about paperboy/customer fantasies and things that happened (or in most cases almost happened) to me on my paper route way, way back in the day.

There’s an ‘upcoming’ post on trying to find fetishwear for a guy my size that I still haven’t started writing yet. And I promised another post about Santa Claus for July which I clearly missed the deadline on.

I’ve talked about doing BDSM posts on Limits (Soft, Hard, and Otherwise), as well as a very carefully written post about consensual rape-fantasy play.

If I were to actually sit down and reread my entire years worth of posts from day one to day 365(ish), I’d find more. I know I would.

I’ve also promised a lot of follow-ups to posts that I haven’t yet followed up on. Just off the top of my head I know that I mentioned upcoming sequels / continuations / follow-ups to Yes, Brodie, There Is An Orange Rock Dork, Inebriation Play, The Clown Fetish, and Misconceptions and Context. Again: If I were to go through all my posts from start to now, I’m sure that I’d find more.

Also of note – I recently published the first two posts in a three-part series about sex toys. Then I reposted the (then) current Sugasm. Then I posted things on Monday and today that still weren’t part three of that series. It hasn’t been forgotten. It’s actually finished, uploaded, and scheduled for autoposting on Friday.

The Traditional Gifts

On a whim, I looked into the ‘traditional’ anniversary gifts. (Wedding anniversary, but I think that’s the only type that there are traditional gifts for.) I knew that the 25th anniversary was silver, the 50th anniversary was gold, and that one of the first ten was paper. But that was the sum total of my anniversary gift knowledge.

So, I called up my sister, who turned out to know exactly as much as I did. The difference is that the computer where my sister is currently living is hooked up to the internet. So when she doesn’t know something, my comeback is, “Well, look it up on Wikipedia.”

As it turns out, the gift for the first anniversary is paper. Which I found funny. All those years I spent in the zine world, producing my work on photocopied sheets of paper, and now that I’ve gone all internet-delivered content, I’m eligible for a gift of paper? Weird.

The second anniversary is cotton, which makes me think that maybe next year I’ll get a t-shirt printed for the anniversary. “I Survived Two Years of Doing ‘Time Delay’”, or something. (Ideally, something more along the lines of “In My Second Year of Blogging, ‘Time Delay’ Is What Attracted My BDSM Slave To Me”.)

The one that really made me laugh was the third anniversary. Here I am, doing a sex and BDSM blog, and I’ve got to keep doing it for a whole three years before I’m eligible for leather? Seems like the gift of leather would be right up front.

Anyway, year four is either linen or silk. Silk sheets, maybe, assuming that I can find a woman to slide around on them with me? Year five is wood, which made me think, “Ooh, stocks!” (I’ve got a few women-in-stocks fantasies.)

I was just going to list off the first five year here, but my sister read me the list of the first ten years, and year six is iron. Chains, shackles, lock and key . . .

Cake and Ice Cream

What I’d really like, though, is the simple and classic cake and ice cream that goes along with the anniversary of a birth. The blog is a year old now, and the blog wants cake and ice cream. And dancing girls. Or strippers. Maybe prostitutes. (The blog isn’t very picky on that count.)

The blog wants dancing girls (or whatever), the blog writer wants an under-the-table blowjob while he’s eating his cake and ice cream.


Maybe next year.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Recent Experiment

I was just starting to feel comfortable with the frequency of my posting again, and then we hit another one of those pesky gaps. My previous post – not counting a quick stop to repost the (then) latest edition of Sugasm – was on July 1st, and now here we are over a month later.

I’ve got the usual excuses all lined up. In between then and now I’ve had to deal with a massive leg infection – complete with spending a lot of time sitting still with my leg elevated, and a ten day course of antibiotics that would’ve inflicted diarrhea on a marble statue. So a big fat biological tub-o-guts like me didn’t even stand a chance.

I’ve had to deal with my Dad being admitted to the hospital twice in a three week period. The first was for cardioversion (the stopping and restarting of his heart) due to his congestive heart failure issues. That was followed up by a lengthier stay for pneumonia.

There were also a number of days where the heat kicked the thermometer’s redline up into the 100s. My reaction to which wavered between ‘Yikes!’ and ‘Kill me, kill me now!’

But right now, Dad’s out of the hospital, my leg (and innards) are functioning about as well as can be expected, and while the weather is surprisingly tolerable for August. And as it’s high time that I get back to posting here, . . . here I am.

The Next Event

Come mid-August (the 14th through the 16th, which is about as mid-August as you can get) there’s a BDSM event that I’ve been very interested in attending.

Leatherwoods is a BDSM camping event. Which, on the one hand, doesn’t really make it seem like it would be my kind of event. Thinking back to my youth, I don’t believe that I’ve ever been camping. Ever. Plus, I don’t really get along that well with things like ‘nature’. I’m allergic to all sorts of plant life. And bee stings. (And animal dander, and so on.)

But on the other hand, it takes place eight miles from Salem, and right now (the late entry period) costs $40 (not counting camping space rental. Which makes it both the closest and cheapest BDSM event I’m likely to ever find. How, I ask you, can I possibly not at least contemplate going?

Workshops, play parties, outdoor dungeon, a chance to meet more people in the local community, and so on and so forth. This is the kind of stuff I need.

August vs. Health

Of course, being held in the middle of August, it’s smack dab in the middle of the debilitating hot weather season. I don’t do so well in hot weather. My health problems tend to be worse in the summertime.

The ever-present headache is worse the hotter it is. I tend to lose consciousness more easily and more often. There is usually an increase in seizure activity. The exhaustion ramps up to higher levels. All kinds of problematic crap like that.

In mid-June, I had all of that going through my mind as I asked myself the question, “Should I go for it? Or should I just give up and stay home?” And as I’m sitting there mulling over all of the pertinent information, a thought occurs to me. It’s times like this that I could really use a submissive.

The Concept of the Temp Submissive

The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. If I had a sub or a slave, I’d have someone there to look after me. Tend to my needs, and whatnot. Of course, I don’t have a sub. So what’s the logical solution?

A temporary submissive. This is what my brain cooked up. I needed to advertise for a temp sub. An unattached person (ideally female), into service submission who might be willing to sub to me for the duration of Leatherwoods. And with Leatherwoods being a relatively inexpensive event, I could probably even scrape together the membership fee for ‘my’ sub.

I talked this over with Zorch (not his real name) the next time I saw him, to see if there were obvious flaws in my logic that I was overlooking. Zorch isn’t into the whole BDSM thing, so he couldn’t speak as to the protocol of the concept, but he thought it was a great idea for me to pursue.

Before I actually jumped into this, I wanted some input from someone who is into the whole BDSM thing. I’d actually met one of the people working to organize this year’s Leatherwoods last year at a Halloween party, and we’ve since commented on each other’s posts a few times on FetLife. I decided that was enough of a ‘connection’ to go to her for advice, and sent her a message via FetLife asking her opinion about what I wanted to try.

Her advice was both helpful and encouraging. (In addition to talking about my interest in finding a temp sub, she also made assurances about the official first aid – and unofficial expertise via the attendance of BDSM aficionados/perverts from the medical profession – amenities at the event in case (if/when) I did end up having medical issues while there.)

She talked about how a lot of people into Dominance and submission are of a classically 50s-era mindset that would make the prospect of attending a BDSM event unescorted a socially unacceptable move. Which could make my offer even more appealing to a single submissive interested in attending Leatherwoods.

She encouraged me to post my information on the Leatherwoods FetLife group, and to think about crossposting the request to other relevant local groups.

So, I did.

The Posted Message

“Seeking Help / Offering an Opportunity”

Here's my situation: I'd really like to attend Leatherwoods. My problem is that I've got a variety of medical conditions, and the heat of summer is not the best of times for me, health-wise.

It recently occured to me that this is when I really need a submissive. Someone into service, who'd be able to carry stuff, run and get water, and help me out if I had problems. That sort of thing.

Now, while I don't have a sub of my own, I started wondering if there were any unattached/unowned sub or slave women out there, into service, who would be interested in a three-day long period of submission.

I've been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome. I also have an undiagnosed seizure disorder. (I've also got Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but that mainly just makes me quirky.)

I clock in at 450 lbs on the scales, walk with a cane, and wear dark glasses due to light sensitivity.

Basically, what I'd need in a sub is someone to carry stuff for me. Fetch me water when I needed it. Keep me from banging my head hard against the ground during a seizure (always a possibility), and stop well-meaning bystanders from calling 911 if it happens. Bring me around it I pass out (in mid-August?-an actual probability). Also, to help set up the tent, and so on. (Still working on getting a tent, but I know enough people who camp I have no worries about being able to borrow something from someone.)

Beyond that, the exact nature of our relationship during the event is completely up for negotiation. I need a service submissive for what I've outlined above. I'd like a BDSM submissive to function as a play partner, but that's not a necessity if it's not something she's interested in.

I'm more than willing to pay her $30.00 event fee for the weekend, and put her up in my tent.

If anyone is interested, message me so we can discuss it.

I posted the above message on the Leatherwoods group, then went on to post the same thing on the FetLife group for the Salem Munch, and a couple of the local submissive groups.

And then I waited.

And waited.

(And waited.)

The Usual Results

In all the excitement of having something new to try, I had forgotten the fact that these quirky little experiments rarely ever pan out for me.

Two weeks after posting my barrage of temp sub requests, I got a response to one of the threads from a woman asking if I’d found anyone yet. She stated that she couldn’t offer to sub to me, as she was on the Leatherwoods planning committee, but that she was interested in helping me find someone.

This ray of proverbial sunshine came when I was sitting at home with my infection-riddled leg propped up. I’d been checking my email via proxy. Placing a phone call every night, alternating between my brother (with his fairly low-speed satellite internet) and my sister (currently house-sitting for my aunt, using her high speed internet) and having them check two of my several email accounts. Calling my brother one night I discovered that I had an email from FetLife informing me that someone had responded to a thread I’d started.

So, I had him sign into my FetLife account, and read me the post. Then I dictated a message over the phone informing her that I’d take any help I could get.

My next over-the-phone internet check provided me with the information that she was the volunteer coordinator for the event. And while she wouldn’t be able to present my offer of free membership in exchange for submissive duties to anyone as an official volunteer opportunity, she was going to keep my situation in mind. If she found someone during the screening process that was suitable for me (and presumably not exactly what the event needed), she’d tell her, “I know this guy . . .” and then see what happened.

Her response was the only response I got. And I never heard back from her following her response to my message to her (which was me responding to her response to my post).

[I just used the word ‘response’ – or some variation thereof – five times in two sentences. Methinks I need a thesaurus.]

If Only I’d . . .

In an ideal world, I’d’ve done more than just post a request and hoped that someone contacted me. I should have hit the munches. Shown my face at a local event or two. I should have made a more concentrated effort to get my message out there.

But . . . no car, no license. (State of Oregon is unwilling to issue me a license for medical reasons anyway). And the ‘local’ BDSM community meets two cities away, which is too far to walk.

The Salem munch hosted a barbecue I’d contemplated attending, but then the leg infection hit. And the antibiotics I was on – apparently some sort of vampire pills – had a warning label on the bottle which read “stay out of direct sunlight”. (Weird.)

Better Luck Next Time

Leatherwoods registration closed on August 3rd. So my window of opportunity is closed. Shut and locked. I think the window’s got bars on it, too. And an alarm.

So now I’m thinking about Leatherwoods 2010. (Actually, I’m primarily thinking about KinkFest 2010 in March, but next year’s Leatherwoods is on my mental calendar as well.) The ideal situation would be to have my own sub by then. Either a regular, permanent submissive, or a recurring play partner willing to function as slave for a weekend. But if that hasn’t happened by then, I’ll be back to looking for a temp sub again. Because it just seems like such a perfect solution.

Who knows? Maybe by next year, I’ll have some local unattached service submissive-minded women reading the blog, who will jump at the chance to help me out.