Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Dear Santa

Well, it’s now just a month ‘till Christmas. 30 shopping days left, and all that nonsense. Just a couple more days and Black Friday triggers the transition from the holiday pre-season (which – at Wal*Mart this year – was the season immediately following “Back to School”, running alongside Halloween throughout October) to the actual madhouse Christmas shopping season of frenzy! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

A month until Christmas means a month minus one day before Santa launches the sleigh-and-eight for the Christmas run, dropping off presents for those deserving. Which means that it’s definitely time for me to write my annual letter to Santa.

Santa’s actually going to get a couple of letters from me this year. I’m a firm believer in writing a Christmas Wish List in “Letter-to-Santa” format, so that instead of just a list of crap you’d like to have, you can do things like explain why you want some of the stuff (which sometimes increases your chances of getting said crap from friends and relatives who would otherwise just scoff at some of your wants and move on), and go into further details if you’re picky about things. But I’ve decided not to bore my blog readers with my normal, mundane Christmas list. (Just like I’ve decided not to give heart attacks and aneurisms to elderly relatives by showing them the list that I’m presenting here today.)

Anyway, without further ado (because I honestly think that I’ve used just the exact right amount of ado), here’s this year’s letter to Santa – the BDSM version.

* ** *** ** *

Dear Santa,

I’ve been very good this year. I’ve been trying to get out of the house more. I’ve put forth an effort to develop some kind of social life. Been going to the library to use the internet so I’m at least somewhat more connected to the world than I have been in recent years. I’ve even started blogging again.

I can only hope that you’ve considered all of this and put my name on the special naughty version of the adult nice list. Or is that the nice version of the naughty list? I can never remember how that goes. You know which list I mean. The sex list. The one that has you bringing the girls and boys on it the ‘special’ toys. (And maybe hooks them up with other like minded boys and girls through Santa’s special holiday pervert matching service.)

On the chance that I’m right about being on a list that might get me presents, I thought I’d send along a list of presents I’d like. As always, I’ve categorized them for your convenience. (And yes, I’ll also be sending you a letter containing a list of non-‘naughty’ items I like under separate cover.)


Somewhere in a box in the back of my closet I’ve got two pair of police-style handcuffs and a pair of matching leg irons. I’ve been told that these are not ideal for bondage games, and when I think back and remember the marks they sometimes left on CJ’s wrists and ankles, I can understand why. (And she didn’t really even struggle all that much).

I’d like a basic set of wrist and ankle cuffs to start with. I don’t need anything fancy, just the simple (leather?) strap with a metal hasp at one end, a series of slits at the other and an attached D-ring in the middle.

I’d also like to obtain a collar that I can secure around a submissive’s neck. Not an “I am your Master and you are now my collared slave” collar, but a simple, “I will now attach a leash and walk you like a dog” collar. (And now I think that I will need to talk about collars in a forthcoming post on my blog.)

Where there are bondage cuffs and collars, there are also padlocks. I prefer the use of keys to combination dials, and I’d prefer a series of keyed-alike padlocks to having to deal with a big ring of keys when it’s time to unbind my play partner.

Other bondage equipment I wouldn’t mind finding beneath the tree as accessories to things like a collar and cuffs are carabiners, snap-hooks, and various lengths of chain.

And Santa, if you (or whomever) wanted to hook me up with a set or two of spreader bars, I certainly wouldn’t complain. (My first exposure to the concept of spreader bars was in the first ever bondage magazine I ever saw, and it quickly became the source of many a fantasy.)


Right now the entirety of my impact toy collection is a single paddle. Purchased in the vendor’s room at KinkFest, it’s almost an inch and a quarter wide, about a half-inch thick, and about 17 inches long, not counting the grip. It’s a nice hard piece of wood painted black, with one side covered in leather (well, some kind of tanned animal hide looking product, anyway) to give you the option of ‘thud’ vs. the unadorned side’s ‘sting’.

I’m sure that I could find a use for more paddles, given the opportunity. I’d like to have a standard ping-pong (or at least ping-pong style) paddle in my assortment of spanking tools. One of those leather-strap-on-a-wooden-handle paddles look like they’d be fun to wield, too. As would a leather ‘slapper’. Spanky, spanky!

I don’t see myself ever really being comfortable using a classic single-tail whip. A whip requires too much precision, and not only do I have poor aim to begin with, but I also twitch at inopportune moments. If I wielded a whip, I’d probably take somebody’s eye out. So: Not really a good implement for me.

I like the look of a flogger, however. A shorter business end (or ends, to be accurate), less likely to snake out and wrap around areas I wasn’t trying to hit. I could see me with an eventual collection of floggers. Currently I have none. So getting a nice beginner’s flogger would make a nice Christmas gift. (Getting a buffalo hide flogger from WIAN Studios would make the ideal Christmas gift, since I have a thing for buffalo – collector-wise, not sexually – but I understand that with so many good boys and girls (and naughty men and women) to get presents for, you’re probably on a budget, so . . . I’ll be happy with whatever I can get.)

Aside from impact, I also like the thought of torturing a nice innocent pair of nipples. (Heh heh.) I’d like to have a pair of nipple clamps in my toybag, so that if I find the occasion to work somebody’s nipples over in the near future, I can do it properly. And speaking of my toybag . . .


In addition to bondage gear and S&M toys, I also need a place for bondage gear and S&M toys to live when they’re not in use. The humble toybag.

I found the perfect toybag in a catalog earlier this year, but I didn’t buy it at the time, and it’s now sold out. Putting an emphasis on the “toy” in toybag, this item was a LEGO Store exclusive, and was shaped like a blue 2 stud x 4 stud LEGO brick set on it’s side with a carry handle and shoulder strap. Stated measurements were 17” long, 8” high, and 6.5” deep. For a starting toybag, do I really need anything bigger? Plus, all of the ‘studs’ unzip to reveal little compartments “perfect for LEGO bricks” (or, as my brain told me: latex gloves, condoms, lube, padlocks, carabiners, etc.) This is still ideally what I’d like to have as my first toybag, but really, any kind of easily transportable storage container will do.


At some point in the mid-90s, I spent some time masturbating into condoms in an effort to see what fit and what didn’t. A brand called Kimono was the best fit I could find. Everything else was . . . well, it wasn’t exactly like a little kid playing dress-up in his dad’s clothes, but it was certainly bigger than it needed to be in order to stay on properly. I can’t seem to find Kimono condoms on the shelves anymore. So it looks like I need to start looking for a new brand again.

So I find myself in need of another assortment of condoms. What I’d like is just a few condoms each of each of the brands that the internet says are better for people with smaller than average endowment. So that I can once again do the trial and error thing to see what fits me best. Because I’d like to be able to know what brand of condom is going to fit me best when I finally find that thus-far-elusive woman who will lay down and spread her legs, all eager to wrestle my virginity away from me.


CJ once told me that she thought about buying me a naughty little something, but eventually decided against it because, “boy’s toys are so much more expensive than girl’s toys”. Sad, but true. Looking into the situation myself, I discovered how right she was, and thus don’t really have any toys designed for pleasuring the male anatomy.

I’d really like to have a Fleshlight. I’ve gotta put my cock somewhere, and it might as well be in a soft, squishy fuckable tube in a fake flashlight housing, right? I’ve wanted one of these things for years now, ever since I first saw ads for them on some website or another. Crazy! (Better yet, crazy and fuckable!)

I also want a RealDoll. Normally on a Christmas wishlist like this I’d go to the RealDoll website, go through construction step-by-step, and give you a detailed recipe of what I wanted. (In case Santa thought that I’d been a VERY good boy, or someone else wanting to buy me a present had just hit the lottery for billions of dollars. You never know.) But with my only source of internet currently being the library, my attempts to reach the RealDoll site only met with the familiar pornography filter screen. So . . . redhead. Longish hair. Small-to-average breasts. Actually, just base her on the classic (Barbra Gordon) Batgirl so that she’ll look good once I get someone to make the appropriate costume for her, and I’ll be fine. Either that, or contact me for detailed specifics. Whichever.


I’ve read very few books on the subject of BDSM. I’ve read Jay Wiseman’s “SM101” (which I found to be entertainingly written and informative). I’ve read Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy’s “The New Topping Book”, which was a fairly quick read with what seemed like solid info contained therein. I’ve also read a couple of the Toybag Guides (one on High Tech Toys, and Lee Harrington’s book on Age Play), neither of which I can find at the moment, but both of which I’ve been meaning to reread. I also have a copy of “The Ethical Slut” (by Easton and Hardy, if I remember right), but haven’t gotten around to reading it yet. So basically, if it’s a good, entertaining, informative, and useful BDSM or Sexuality manual and I didn’t just list it, then I still need it.

But as with anything else, there are a few specific books that I want/desire/need more than others . . .

The book I want most is “Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them” by Hanne Blank. All the descriptions of this book that I’ve read make it sound like it’s “How to Fuck if You’re a Giant 450 lb Lard-Ass (Especially If You’re Into Plump Partners)”. Which is exactly what I need, given that I’m a 450 lb lard-ass, and was physically unable to fuck the one (coincidentally plump) woman who had been willing to let me, way back when. This was published by Greenery Press and is apparently out of print at the moment. (Why it’s out of print when McDonald’s and Hostess are still open for business, I can’t quite explain.) So it’s probably going to end up being an eBay find, or something along those lines.

“Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns – The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism” by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon. This is one of the main books that people in the BDSM community suggest I read when they realize that there’s a newbie standing amongst them.

Having read the “The New Topping Book” I find that I want to read it’s counterpart (“The New Bottoming Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy) so that I can see things from the other perspective.

Given my interest in putting a hard paddle to a nice round bare bottom, my desire for a book titled “The Compleat Spanker” by Lady Green is something of a no-brainer. This appears to be THE primer on spanking, and that’s what I want.

I’d also really like “The Loving Dominant” by John Warren, “Different Loving – The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission” by William and Gloria Brame, and “The Toybag Guide to Foot and Shoe Worship” by Midori.


I was getting porn long before I was getting internet. I was looking at porn before there even was internet. (Yes, I’m just that old.) So I still see porn magazines as a valuable part of one’s masturbation fantasy repertoire. And while it’s been ages since I’ve purchased an issue of Penthouse or Penthouse Letters (the old standbys, back in the day), I will on occasion have the opportunity to grab an adult shop discount magazine three pack containing (among other oddball titles) an issue of Leg Action Magazine.

I’ve looked at a bunch of different special interest titles for my particular special interest: Leg Tease, Leg Show, Hot Legs, and other obvious Foot Fetish magazines all with ‘Leg’ in the title and the word ‘Foot’ completely absent. (Being a ‘leg man’ is perfectly acceptable. Being a foot fetishist is socially creepy.) But none of these titles really clicked with me. Leg Action did. I can’t really explain why, but Leg Action just thrills me every time I page through a new issue.

I’d like a subscription, but being poor, such things are out of my price range. I periodically put “Subscription to Leg Action” on my regular holiday wish list, but so far, none of my regular friends or relatives have seemed inclined to buy me porn for Christmas. (Go figure.)

There’s also something else that I’d like to get my hands on. (Or, at least one hand on. Heh.) There’s not a whole lot of the work of early-to-mid 90s porn star Flame available for download on the filesharing networks. I, pirate that I am, have gotten everything I’ve been able to find, but I know that after she got married and left the world of hardcore pornography, she hung around for awhile doing fetish films. Including some foot fetish work. Which I’ve never seen. I’d love to get copies of some of this material.


It’s almost hard to believe, but the next KinkFest is a mere four months away. And I really want to go. So what, you ask, is stopping me? Money. Right now a KinkFest membership is $100. Hotel room will be about that much a night for the three day, two night event. I could continue whining and say that Portland is too far to walk from here, but I’m fairly sure that I can get my friend Zorch to take me up to the event if I can get a membership and hotel room lined up somehow. I’d be willing to split a hotel room with someone, provided that it was understood that I did indeed get to sleep in a bed. (450 lbs + bad back = don’t sleep on floor). So if you can line something up for me, that’d be great, Santa. I’d appreciate it.


I’m trying to build myself a social life. Which is kind of difficult since I don’t drive. I have places to go, I just have no way to get there. The twice-monthly Salem Munch. Monthly Asylum Dungeon parties. The occasional Darklady party. And if I start attending any of these things regularly, I’m sure that other events will be made available to me. I need rides.

Rides from here to Salem and back. Here to Portland and back. Here (or Salem, maybe) to Eugene and back. Here to the Twilight Zone and back. Mars, Wonderland, and wherever. Maybe even the occasional jaunt to the Wet Spot in Seattle. (Notice that Seattle seems farther away to me than Mars or Wonderland.) I’m not looking for somebody to give me an infinite number of rides. But I’d love it if a seemingly infinite number of people could chip in with a ride or two apiece.


So far I’ve asked for bondage gear and S&M toys, books to instruct me on what to do with it, and safe sex supplies for encounters that might go in a different direction than (or simply further than) simple BDSM. Now here comes the big request: I actually need people with which to use some of this stuff. I need play partners. People willing to join me in an exploration in BDSM in any or all of it’s components in all different combinations. People up for an afternoon of age play, or foot fun, or some other kind of fetish-y indulgence. And people just interested in partaking in some casual sex with a guy like me.


I’d also like to find some people willing to pose naked in front of my digital camera. Mainly women, but also occasionally couples. I may eventually have some artistic notion requiring single nude males, but that particular inspiration hasn’t hit me yet.


I asked for nude models above. That item was also on the big Top Ten list (from a few blog posts back). Now that I think about it, any/everything else on that list would also make a good Christmas present. The loss of my virginity, (more) female toes to suck on, the (gentle, careful) loss of my anal virginity, a pussy I can sink my hand into up to the wrist, someone to suck my cock (to completion), bare female flesh to write on with washable markers, a woman to play watersports games with, a strip poker game to sit in on, and a nice bare spankable female ass.

As always, thank you for your consideration.

Your friend,

Zeitgeist the Clown

* ** *** ** *

So that’s it. Well, the beginning of it, anyway. I suppose I should have said, “That’s it as of press time.” My Christmas lists always keep growing right up until Christmas Eve.

Santa’s got my address. (Santa’s got EVERYBODY’S address.) But if anyone else has a sudden desire to get me a Christmas gift (or a Birthday present, for that matter – December 23rd, y’all!), you can contact me at zeitgeist_the_clown@yahoo.com for details on where to send it. Please note that I’m not begging for presents or anything. No, what I’m doing in this, the season of giving, is offering you a wonderful gift! The gift of having that special feeling in your heart when you give somebody else a gift. That ‘somebody else’, in this case, being me.

(Is anybody falling for any of this?)

Also, this ends the recent stretch of every-other-day posting, as the library is closing for a cluster of days surrounding Thanksgiving. (Grumble grumble lousy holidays grumble.) If all goes well, I should post next on Sunday, November 30th.

Despite the grumbling in the previous paragraph, everyone have a happy Thanksgiving! (Or as my brother likes to call it, Smallpox-Infected-Blanket Day. Always so politically correct, my brother.) And those of you with the proper interest in this sort of thing, have an even happier Spanksgiving!

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