Kinky Advent, Week I

KINKY ADVENT, WEEK I

The Christmas season began in the middle of September. The Christmas season began on November 27th. The Christmas season began on November 28th. The Christmas season begins today. The Christmas season will begin tomorrow. (Unless you’re one of these “Let’s keep Christmas in our hearts all year long” goofballs, in which case the Christmas season began way back on January 7th. In which case the Christmas season began way back on December 26th of last year.)

In order to know when the Christmas season begins, you first have to answer the question: Just what the fuck is the Christmas season? How is it defined? What does it include?

Is Christmas a four month long (and sadly growing) consumer season? Wal*Mart started selling Christmas merchandise in mid-September. A lot of people these days tend to dismiss Thanksgiving and New Years as not being individual holidays, and just sort of lump them into ‘the Winter Holiday season’, which is just the culturally diverse term for ‘the Christmas season’. And Thanksgiving was three days ago. Is Christmas a roughly month long consumer season? Black Friday (“biggest shopping day of the year”) was two days ago. Is Christmas a Christian holiday, the build up to which is the season of Advent? Advent (marked by the four Sundays leading up to Christmas) begins today. Advent (marked by the 24 days leading up to Christmas) begins tomorrow. Is your head spinning yet?

[The next question is: When does the Christmas season end? With Christmas Day? Boxing day (day after Christmas, and the biggest return/exchange day of the year)? New Year’s? (Eve or Day, take your pick.) The Epiphany (January 6th)?]

When I was growing up, Christmas always started about halfway through Thanksgiving day. Once Thanksgiving dinner was over and we were back home, it was ‘officially’ the start of the Christmas season. Christmas music could start being played. The decorations could start going up. I was finally allowed to start work on my Christmas wish list (that was already over a page long due to having violated the nothing-until-after-Thanksgiving rule by working on it in secret). Once Thanksgiving was over, it started to feel like Christmastime.

But really, that was only the beginning of a several day long pre-season. Because the Christmas season really and truly begins for me on December 1st. The beginning of the 24 day long Advent countdown to Christmas day.

I thought about turning my blog entirely Christmas themed (naughty Christmas themed) for the first 24 days of December, and posting something each and every day. When I finally stopped laughing at that notion (I have no internet access!) I instead wondered about doing a four-part Christmas-y series posted the four weeks of the other version of Advent. The four Sundays thing. That seemed much more plausible to me. Far more doable.

And what do I choose to talk about in this, the first of a four part Sunday Advent post? Why, the 24 day version of Advent, of course. Or, you know, the potential for the perversion of it.

Oh, don’t look at me like that, uptight Christian people. Advent calendars all started out with Nativity images and the like, but now most of the ones I see are of Santa. Or if not Santa and elves and whatnot, they’re at least belief-neutral, and composed of images of wreaths and bells and candles and holly and sleds and snowmen and so on. It’s not like nobody has ever taken the concept of Advent and bent it for commercial or secular purposes already. How many children are raised to believe that the Advent season is counting down until the arrival of Santa? All I’m doing is trying to help out with an adults-only version of Advent. Give the season a little kick by giving it a little kink.

Our lives are controlled by our awareness of the passage of time. Which means that the Advent season is controlled by the Advent calendar. The classic Advent calendar is the two-sheets glued together affair, with the upper sheet containing perforated numbered windows and the bottom sheet containing the images that show through those windows once opened. Gaining in popularity these days are the thicker calendars whose windows open to reveal a small piece of chocolate. This is usually what people mean when they say ‘Advent calendar’.

There is absolutely no reason at all why you should feel obligated to stick to that format.

Twenty four. That’s the key. If it’s an object, series of objects, or even just concept that allows you – day by day – to count to twenty four, then it can make a fine Advent calendar. I have spoken. Thus is it so.

Ladies, a good, fairly inexpensive Advent calendar for your fella that doesn’t even require a whole lot of creative thinking can be as simple as a 24 pack of condoms. (I, personally would be thrilled to receive 24 condoms from a sexy adult female – the implication being that I get to use them, one a day counting down to Christmas, on/in her – as an Advent calendar.) You could even get a Sharpie marker and write the letter “V” on most of them, throwing in a few “O” and “A”s for the occasional oral and anal sex act if you wanted to mix things up a little.

You could also use the condom as just the symbol of a sex act, and get different brands/colors and make a what-color-means-what-act chart. Certainly, use them for protection on the days when that particular color of condom means PIV intercourse, or anal. (Or oral, if you use condoms for oral). But also have condoms that are simply there to signify that on that day, the act is a handjob. Or a footjob. Or a round of tit fucking. Or that you’re going to masturbate and talk dirty to him while he jacks off onto your face. Wherever the personal kinks and desires run.

Guys, if your significant other is always desperately eager to have your cock buried deep inside of her, then the box of condoms thing could work as an Advent calendar for her, too. But seriously . . . think about this before proceeding. If she’s going to stand there staring at you, slowly asking, “Let me get this straight . . . your Advent present to me is that I’ve got to find time in my busy schedule each day to let you fuck me? Oh, thanks a bunch, jackass” then it’s probably not really a present for her now, is it. (A 24 pack of dental dams, on the other hand, might tell a different story.)

Last week I was skimming a thread on FetLife while sitting at the library started by a woman who was putting together a ’12 days of Christmas’ list for her boyfriend. She was asking for help, because she only had 10 items, and needed two more. I thought that I had gone up into the menu and clicked on SAVE PAGE AS, but the thread apparently didn’t make it onto my flash drive, because it’s not in my ‘Stuff via Flash Drive’ folder. Sadly, the only item off of her list that I can remember is that one of those 12 days was Photo Fun day, and she would pose for his camera, letting him take as many nude pictures of her as he wanted. My faulty memory is asking, “Was there an ‘outdoor sex’ day?” which means that there might have been. (It’s also asking if there might have been a fisting day, but since that’s one of my big fantasies, that’s probably just me wishing that someone was granting me a fisting day.)

But if you take her basic concept, double it, and move it from Christmas through Epiphany to December 1st through Christmas Eve, then you’ve got a great kinky Advent calendar. A series of very specific fantasy sex acts on specific days makes for a wildly erotic Christmas countdown.

A naughty Advent calendar could be as simple as a slow holiday striptease, captured in digital photography and converted to hardcopy with your photo printer (or your friend’s photo printer – or heck, just get prints made at the Wal*Mart Photo Dept. if you’ve got any serious exhibitionist tendencies.) Digital camera with a timer and a tripod. Nice lingerie, nice clothes, maybe even a jacket and scarf if you’re looking for ways to stretch it out to 24 photos. Slowly strip for the camera. Be sliding your panties down your legs, facing away from the camera with your bare ass aimed at the lens for day 22. Turn around for full frontal on the 23rd. Lay back in a sexy “Merry Christmas – Come Get Your Present” pose on the 24th (legs spread wide if you’re a particularly dirty girl). Each photo then gets placed in a red or green envelope (alternating colors each day) labeled with the countdown numbers. Stick the whole thing in a box, and you’re good to go.

Back in 1983 my mother invented something called the Advent basket. (I’m not claiming that she was it’s sole inventor throughout the history of time. Nor that she was the basic idea’s first ever Patient Zero. Heck, the telephone was invented by two people working separately, and we only know the name Alexander Graham Bell because he arrived at the patent office a half hour before the other guy. Or so the story goes.) Instead of a normal calendar, Mom put together a basket of small, inexpensive gifts for my grandmother for Advent the year after Grandpa died. Each one was individually wrapped, and bright little stickers numbered them #1 through #24.

She did an Advent basket for Grandma each year until she (Grandma) died. Somewhere along the line, she did one for me one year too. Which opened up the dam and slowly turned her into an Advent basket machine. Grandma, me, my brother and sister, Dad, a cousin or two, a few family friends . . . my mother was a small Advent basket industry unto herself. Now that Mom’s gone, my sister has continued the tradition on a much smaller delivery scale. I get one, my brother gets one, his wife gets one. One or two others from year to year.

I’ve done two or three Advent baskets in my time. I did one for Mom (which she was NOT expecting, and the look on her face was well worth the work that went into the thing). I did one for Casper one year. I always intended to do one for CJ, but for one reason or another I don’t think I ever did.

Anyway, the Advent basket is something that you could easily do a kinky version of. It’s best considered a year-long project. ‘Inexpensive’ has a whole different meaning if you’re picking things up all year long than it does if you doing all of your Advent basket shopping in late November. Either way, it’s going to cost you the average price of a item times 24 gifts. But if filling the Advent basket is competing with the rest of your late November Christmas shopping, then even just scraping together $24 for the project, you’re looking at a basket full of one dollar items. On the other hand, if you start the next year’s basket in December, and pick up just two items a month, you’ll have all 24 by November. Spend $10 a month on it, and the basket is filled with an average $5 per gift. (This has been your patronizing math lesson for the day.)

So what all goes into a kinky Advent basket? Well, as always, it’s going to depend on gender, preference, specific kinks, level of perversion, and all that good stuff. But right off the top of my head, I’m going to list off items like: massage oil, flavored lube, inexpensive penetration toys (like a cheap green dildo and cheap red vibrator on consecutive days for holiday-themed masturbation fun), a low-priced porn DVD, a porn magazine, a 3-pack of condoms (again, with the condoms?), cock rings, sample sized jars of liquid latex, sexy jewelry (like clit jewelry, or toe rings, or shiny new things for the pierced navel), an erotic novel, a coupon good for a threesome with Zeitgeist the Clown (hey, it could happen!), spanking toys (wooden spoons from the dollar store to average out a higher priced item, maybe?), candles for wax play, frilly underthings, and so on and so forth.

One of my favorite concepts for the Advent season is something I refer to as “The Advent Novel”. A twenty-four chapter long story, intended to be read one chapter a day until Christmas.

The first Advent novel I plotted was completely non-erotic. But me being me, I eventually started coming up with naughtier ideas than So-and-So and His Sidekick Save Christmas. Any amateur erotica wordsmiths out there whose significant other really digs your prose? Schedule yourself a little time at some point during the year and write a dirty little Advent novel. (Make it next year’s National Novel Writing Month project. End up with 24 chapters around 2000 words each – a little less if you want to throw in a November 30th prologue and Christmas Day epilogue.)

One of the projects that I’ve wanted to write for years now has been an Advent novel, entitled “Faith and Fetish”. (‘Faith’ being the first name of the lovely Mrs. Claus in my personal version of the Santa mythos.) In addition to having the standard 24 chapters that I envision all true Advent novels having, this one is also outlined to include a prologue and an epilogue. The prologue sets up the whole point of the work, giving us the following personal information about the lives of Santa Claus and the Mrs.

Santa and Faith have a very satisfying sex life eleven months out of the year. But in December – being occupied with the preparations for Christmas – he pretty much ignores her sexual needs. She spends most nights masturbating beside him in bed while he snores. But not this year. No, this year, she’s decided that she’s going to take the kink and fetish that they use (on occasion) to spice up their love making and put it to work for her, keeping him so horny throughout the month that he can’t possibly wait until after the holidays to get his hands (and other body parts) on her again.

So what does she all tempt him with over the course of the Christmas countdown? Oh, the normal stuff. Oral. Anal. Porn. Foot fetish stuff. Spanking. Age play. Voyeurism. Outdoor sex (yes, at the North Pole). Animal roleplay (inspired by an Olivia de Berardinis painting of a woman wearing a pair of reindeer antlers and a harness with jingle bells). Fisting. Wax play. A request for a facial. A little strap-on play. And more. (Santa doesn’t stand a chance.)

[This is one of those projects that will almost certainly get written during the first year after I finally crack my writer’s block problems, simply because of how much I want to have the completed project in hand every late November.]

Hopefully, I’ve given you some ideas to ponder. Here on the day before the 24 day Advent countdown begins. Huh. My timing, as always, seems to be impeccable.

Well, really, a lot of this stuff requires more preptime to do properly than you’d’ve had even if I’d’ve written this post a couple of weeks ago. So this is your chance to get a start on a project for next year. Get a jump on next year’s Advent calendar, in the hopes of inspiring your partner to jump you.

And next Sunday (assuming that I can get to the library to get the thing posted ON Sunday) will be part two of this series, wherein we continue to look at kinkifying the holidays. [And why, oh why, doesn’t my spellchecker recognize the work ‘kinkifying’?]