Sunday, December 7, 2008

Christmas Decorating and Other Activities (Kinky Advent Week II)

I love Christmas. I love everything about it. I love the celebration of Jesus’ birthday and the delivery of Christmas presents. I love Christmas dinner and snow. I love the myths and legends surrounding Santa and the Missus. I love—wait a minute . . . Birthday and Delivery? Dinner and Snow? Santa and Missus? Wow! That’s holiday BDSM!

(I am so very glad that there isn’t a way for today’s modern audience to lob rotten fruit at me over the internet, out through the library’s computers, down the hill, and finally hit me here at my position at my keyboard. So very, very glad.)

Once it’s dark, I can lean out my front door and see Christmas lights here and there up and down my street. Some houses have a single string or two across the front. Other houses are literally outlined in them. One of the outlined houses also has big plastic illuminated figures on the lawn. Joseph, Mary, the baby Jesus, and Santa Claus. (Santa being on the other side of the walkway up to the house that divides their lawn in half.) It looks that way every year, and I always wonder what the house looks like on the inside in December.

It’s times like this that I wish I were A.) wealthy, and B.) had my own BDSM dungeon. Because I would absolutely love to decorate a dungeon for Christmas. I wouldn’t simply do the old standard Christmas tree, garlands, figures of Santa, wreath, and snowmen, then call it good. No, I’d get creative. (Actually, I tend to get creative with my Christmas decorating anyway, but that’s a topic for another post.)

Before going out to buy Christmas decorations, I’d take a look at what I already had lying around. Hooks (tail hooks, butt hooks, pussy hangers, etc.) are already shaped like candy canes. With a little tempera paint (or liquid latex, or strips of red and white colored duct tape, or etc.) they can easily be made to look like them, too. Anal beads are strings of little spheres perfect for tree decoration. Glass (or clear acrylic) dildos? In the right context, those are icicles. All sorts of things can be converted to Christmas decorations with a little imagination. (I’m not starting to sound like Martha Stewart am I? Please, God, tell me I’m not starting to sound like Martha Stewart!)

What else can a person do with their dungeon decorations for the holidays? The one permanent dungeon I’ve been in (as opposed to the temporary dungeon set up for KinkFest) had a large ring on cables that descended from the ceiling. The ring was used for suspension bondage. I’m thinking it would also make a great framework for an artificial holly wreath.

If there isn’t anything on the walls (or if everything on the walls can be removed and stored until after the holiday) behind and beside your St. Andrew’s Cross, then hang a couple of banners. Make your own using sheets from large rolls of paper and some paint. Hang one reading “Merry” above it, and one reading “-mas” beside it. (Then strap your subbie to it and snap a photo for next year’s Christmas card to send to everyone in your ‘special’ kinky address book.)

Of course, mistletoe should be hung. Sometimes in the normal places: Doorways, the middle of the ceiling, and so on. Sometimes in not so normal places. Over the spanking bench where the ass gets positioned. At ankle level where someone’s foot will end up standing.

A dom(me) at a party can tie a sprig of mistletoe to the end of their finger (or better yet a stick) and make their sub have to kiss all sorts of things. Get someone’s attention, indicate your mistletoe stick, your sub, and a body part, and ask if they mind. If they give you a thumbs up, hold the mistletoe out over their boot for subbie to kiss. Or their ass. Or their crotch. (And if it’s ‘kissing’ in vanilla society, could the mistletoe perhaps expand it’s boundaries to include licking and sucking for the kink community?)

Lots of extra rolls of garland could be kept around for bondage purposes. Not to tie people up, as I imagine garland would be easier to bust out of than rope would be, but instead to wrap thickly over rope for a festive touch, giving the appearance of being bound in garland.

Of course, if you’re just crazy rich and also have the storage space, you can always have special bondage furniture made just for the holidays. Swap it out with your normal bondage gear over Thanksgiving week, and swap it back in early January.

Replace the St. Andrew’s Cross with a custom made bondage rack shaped like a Christmas tree. Have a spanking bench – the style with one padded platform for the knees, another higher platform for the belly as the spankee is bent over, exposing their rear – with shaped wooden sides, decorated like Santa’s sleigh. I know that the typical BDSM dungeon doesn’t have an Iron Maiden, but a dungeon is a dungeon, and I think it makes a great atmosphere piece. So if you’ve got an Iron Maiden – or now that I think about it, even an upright casket for the encasement fetish – how cool [pun sadly intended] would it be to have one for the holidays that was shaped like a snowman?

Custom holiday bondage furniture. I’m either on to something here, or my meds have stopped working. (Neither would really surprise me.)

Other BDSM decorative modifications? I’ve always loved the look of the bondage harness, ever since I saw pictures in the Stockroom catalog. If I had a submissive or slave, I’d attach jingle bells to her bondage harness, and make her wear a pair of those plush-antlers-on-a-headband you can find this time of year. Sexy!

Of course, if you don’t have your own dungeon, you can always decorate for Christmas kink at home. Maybe not the whole house. Probably not the living room where the ‘normal’ people can see. But the privacy of your own bedroom? Definitely.

Find some naughty Christmas art that you really like online and make printouts on a color printer. Buy cheap mats and frames at a craft store and hang them up on your walls. Anyone with a collection of feathered boas can use them in place of garland for the season. Conversion of sex toys into holiday decoration still holds. And then there’s the Christmas tree . . .

You could pick up a small artificial tree (anywhere from 1 to 3 feet tall) and set it up on top of a dresser. And decorate it with unusual ornaments. Nipple clamps. Cock rings. The earlier mention of strings of anal beads. And the ultimate kinky Christmas tree decoration: colored condoms. Get a couple of packages of multicolored condoms in packaging with one transparent side (so that you can see the pretty little things), and poke wire ornament hooks (cheaply available pretty much anywhere Christmas ornaments are sold) through the corner of the package. JUST the package – you don’t want to puncture the condom, as you may want to use some of those post-Christmas. Then hang them here and there on your kinky little tree.

Of course, if you’re looking for a bigger (and very temporary) Christmas tree . . .

I’ve always loved the concept of the human Christmas tree. The idea of a dom(me)/top having their sub or bottom stand tall, straight, and perfectly still while being decorated for the holiday. Where this idea came into my head, I can’t say for sure. If you were to search through my brain, you’d find memories of me listening to a late seventies Sesame Street Christmas album where the characters have a Christmas pageant and make Bert play the role of the Christmas tree. (Oh, how I wish I could have said the word ‘Christmas’ a few more times in that last sentence.) If that was the seed of it all, and I just eventually substituted ‘hot naked chick’ for ‘uptight Muppet’, then so be it. (And yes, in my head, it’s ‘hot naked chick’, but that’s simply because I’m the one fantasizing about this, and I’m a (primarily) heterosexual male. I don’t really have any desire to decorate a naked guy like a Christmas tree. But for those of you who do, well, go for it. Sounds like a great theme for a December CFNM party.

There are so many different means of going about the human Christmas tree, depending on how elaborate you want to get. Depending on whether or not you’re going for objectification and/or humiliation. How accurate you try to get.

Do you want her to be her natural skin tone, or do you want her to be Christmas tree green? Body paint or liquid latex can handle the color change. So, for that matter, could green saran wrap. (For most of her, anyway.) Saran wrap mummification techniques have the added benefit of keeping her straight and still, if you’re particular about her being very, very tree-like. I’d imagine that a posture collar would also be good for that.

How to attach ornaments? Hmm . . . I’d use clamps and clips and clothespins and such. (I’d probably also make use of colored duct tape, but that’s simple because I’m a fiend for duct tape.) I, personally, have no fondness for needles of any sort, but for those that like needle play, ornaments can be hung from hooks piercing her skin. (Ornaments can also probably be hung from traditional body piercings that are already in place.) Of course, if you don’t care about painting her green, you can also get a package of Crayola markers or colored Sharpies and draw ornaments on her to supplement the ones that end up getting hung from her.

Her arms, of course, are branches. Either a test of how long she can hold them out that long, or cuffed and chained into branch position. If two branches aren’t enough, well . . . do you own a strap-on dildo? (Or can you borrow one?) A big rubber dick hanging off her crotch works as an additional branch. Can you borrow lots of strap-ons? Not just the classic strapped around the waist model we all know and love from porn, but also the type that get strapped around the upper thigh, and the dildo that gets strapped onto a submissive’s face, and anything else that’s out there? LOTS of extra branches, there.

If she’s an exhibitionist, (or if she’s shy, and you’re a mean, cruel dom), you can throw a party and invite over some kinky friends to help you decorate the tree. They can hang ornaments from clamp/hooks you’ve placed on/in her flesh, they can hang tinsel, and so on.

You know that snow-in-a-can that some people spray on their trees? An aroused man can produced something similar. Especially if the Christmas tree-ing is an exercise in humiliation. Get a bunch of your male friends to spray her with their ‘snow’.

[On a side note, “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” is a great line to include in an invitation to a holiday bukkake party. Bukkake, creampies, cum of any sort . . . it’s all ‘snow’ in December. Heck, regardless of my particular goofiness, if you cum in someone’s mouth and they spit your load back into yours, it’s actually called ‘snowballing’, so it’s not like there isn’t precedent for this. Although, if that’s snowballing, I wonder what would constitute an actual snowball fight?]

Continuing with the humiliation theme, trees also need water. You could make her stand in a large bucket or pan of some sort, and keep her watered. And just like a horny man is a can of spray-snow, a man with a full bladder is a watering can.

Christmas stockings are also a big part of the holiday. I once did a Christmas stocking for CJ that was mostly erotic in nature. I can’t remember what was all in it, but I remember the purple double-sided jelly dildo (one side normal, the other with graduated ripples for anal play), a bottle of lube, the toe rings, and the wooden spoons (to be used on her quivering bare bottom). She let me test drive the vaginal end of the dildo on her right then and there, so it kind of worked as a present for me, too. (Never did get to use the spoons on her, though.)

Naughty version of traditional stocking is easy. One of my big interests is the other kind of stocking. The kind that – instead of containing a variety of little gifts – holds a shapely leg ending in a sexy and otherwise bare female foot. I envision a woman wearing red silk stockings topped with white marabou feathers (the traditional Christmas stocking colors) telling me I can play with their contents. Bare feet with alternating red and green toenails in the spirit of the season. Or red-and-white candy-cane striped ones. Bare feet to lick, toes to suck, and when my mouth grows tired, soft soles to wrap around my cock and pump me to orgasm. THANK YOU, SANTA!

[Clears throat] Uh, anyway . . .

What else can kinksters do at Christmastime? Well, there’s always exhibitionist Christmas caroling, I suppose. Gather a handful of naughty singers, and go around singing Christmas carols (either traditional songs, or just traditional tunes with new lyrics written especially for your particular level of depravity) with hiked skirts, lifted shirts, and unbuttoned, unzipped pants. No bras or underwear, of course. Probably best to limit your visits to the houses of folks you know are kinky. Those without children, or those where you’ve confirmed that the children won’t be home.

The ‘Secret Santa’ concept is always fun and pervertable. Either done as the standard (everyone draws a name from the hat, and has to get one of their kinky friends a kinky present – sex toys, lube, lingerie, a sex manual, the ever-present inflatable sheep, or whatever), or a special X-rated what-happens-with-Santa-stays-with-Santa version.

For example, a Secret Santa party functioning like a swinger’s ‘key party’. Only instead of housewives pulling a random set of car keys from a jar and going home with the owner of that vehicle for the night, this version draws names from a jar. (Either all male or all female names in the jar, with members of the other sex drawing for standard heterosexual parties. Other arrangements for bi-, gay/lesbian, or pan-sexual soirees.) It doesn’t need to be ‘going home to spend the night, either’. It can be as simple as that drawn name being your ‘date’ for the party – and it being a very lusty hands-on party.

If you’re throwing a dirty little Christmas party, and there’s an equal number of men and women (or at least close to it) in attendance, you could run a type of Secret Santa game this way: Everybody’s name goes into one of two jars, split according to the type of sex organs they’ve got in their pants/under their skirts. A coin flip determines which jar gets a name drawn from it first. For this example, I’m giving the win to the women. So the party host or hostess draws a name from the women’s jar, and announces the first gift recipient. That lucky girl goes up to the male jar, and draws out the name of the guy who is to be her Secret Santa. She reads it off, and he comes forward . . . and eats her pussy. The party continues around the couple as Secret Santa continues going down on the woman. Once he makes her cum (or a specified amount of time has passed), it’s his turn. He goes to the jar with the ladies’ names, and pulls out the name of the sweet little cocksucking Secret Santa who will take care of him. Whoever it is blows him, then goes to the male jar to find her oral Secret Santa, and so on and so forth, until the final name in the male jar has licked and sucked the woman before him to ecstasy, at which point the original gift recipient of the evening finally takes her turn as Secret Santa by taking his cock into her mouth and sucking away.

Yeah, it’s becoming more and more apparent to me that not only do I need a partner and a bunch of kinky friends, but I need them before next Christmas.

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