And here we are. The final burst of Kinky Advent-y goodness. Week four starts off with the question . . .
Most people consider Santa Claus to be a children’s character. And in the traditional sense, you don’t really assign sex lives to children’s characters. Of course, a lot of people consider comic books to be strictly for children, and I spent all of the previous post talking about a comic book superhero’s penis, so . . . ‘Time Delay’ is not bound by tradition.
Most people are wrong, anyhow. These people who dump Santa Claus stories strictly on the children’s shelves? Very short-sighted. (And as for these lamebrains who haven’t picked up a comic in 40 years and think that all comics are for kids – I just fear that some doddering old grandfather is going to stop off somewhere to buy some funnybooks for his cute little grandchildren, buying an issue of Donald Duck, an issue of Spider-Man, and an issue of something written by Warren Ellis.)
The main thing about Santa is that, as a character, he is completely untethered. There’s no copyright symbol behind his name. No trademark notice. He’s not a corporate-owned character. He’s public domain.
And unlike some of the more classic characters that pretty much anyone can tell stories about these days, he didn’t originate from a single author. Frankenstein was Mary Shelley’s brainchild. Tarzan was Edgar Rice Burroughs’. The Land of Oz was the creation of L. Frank Baum. Sherlock Holmes was all Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. For most of these characters and mythoi, you can look back to the source material and gauge some kind of author intent when attempting to craft new tales. [And if any of the above mentioned characters aren’t actually public domain, well then . . . whoops. That’s what happens when I’m writing a post at home at 10:38 pm after the library closed at 5:00. No library, no internet. No internet, no wikipedia. No wikipedia, no fact-checking.]
Santa doesn’t have this single origination point. Santa’s got certain traditions. General character traits and tendencies. But there’s no such thing as the ‘official’ Santa Claus story.
Sure, Santa Claus has a basis in reality, being to some degree a fictionalized version of the 4th century Bishop Nicholas of Myra (later canonized as Saint Nicholas). Of course, he’s also partially based on Odin, All-Father of the Gods from Norse Mythology. He’s also based on things that might sell products in December. And things that rhyme (or that facilitate rhyme). Okay, Santa Claus is a ridiculous mish-mash and hodge-podge of all kinds of this and that.
The answer to the question ‘who is Santa Claus?’ is in the eye of the beholder. Or the mouth of the storyteller. Maybe both. Possibly neither.
Which basically means: Anything goes.
Does Santa have a sex life? Well, for the sake of Mrs. Claus, I certainly hope so!
Seriously, though . . . he’s usually depicted as a healthy (if a little overweight) adult male. Either an older gentleman, or just one whose hair has gone white. I’ve seen no reason why he wouldn’t be sexual. (And even if Santa is an old man, this is the era of Viagra, so . . . )
Anything goes. Do you want Santa to have a sex life? Then he does. Would you prefer that he didn’t? Then he doesn’t. (Although if that’s your view on the subject, you probably shouldn’t read the rest of this post. Come back tomorrow, I’ll be talking about something else.)
The next question is: If you want Santa to have a sex life, then just how kinky would you like it?
I, personally, have my own take on Santa Claus. But I’m not going to share that here. My goal is to talk about the kind of things that you can do with the Santa Claus mythos – sexually – and if I start giving my stuff as examples, the next thing I know that’s all I’ll be writing about here is MY version of Santa.
I bring it up only to say that my version, my preference for Santa’s erotic life does not in any way, shape, or form include or condone any sort of sexual interest in children. I wouldn’t dream of sullying Mr. Claus’ good name and reputation by suggesting that his interest in children is anything other than pure of heart and noble of intent. Not to mention the fact that pedophilia is on my very short list of THINGS THAT ARE UNDENIABLY WRONG.
That disclaimer out of the way, let’s see what we can do about sexing up (and kinking up) the man in the red suit, shall we?
Santa Claus could quite easily be considered a dirty old man. The seeds of this exist in some of his classic attributes and trappings.
The lists are a big giveaway. Who keeps a list of people divided by whether they’re naughty or nice? It’s like a little black book with stars next to the names of the girls who put out.
Some of the classic illustrations of Santa from the early 1900s show a telescope in his home or the workshop. The intention of the artist was that this is where Santa would sit while making the lists. This magic piece of peeping tom equipment was powerful enough to see anywhere in the world. And when I say anywhere, I’m not just talking about distance, but also through little obstacles like doors and walls.
People write letters to Santa, letters that were half virtue résumé, and half wish list. That’s the breakdown of the letters written by good little boys and girls, anyway. What about the naughty people? Did they not bother to write? Did they write in and lie (knowing full well that Santa knew better)? Or did they write in and attempt to bargain? Sweet young things on the naughty list (just turned 18 high school seniors) writing in to Santa saying, “I know I haven’t been very good, but I really want such-and-such for Christmas. My dad cheats on my mom because she won’t suck his cock anymore. Does Mrs. Claus still give you blowjobs? My boyfriend says that I give great head. Want me to show you? If you stop by on Christmas eve to put the things I want in my stocking, I could show you some amazing things that I can do with my tongue . . .”
And, “Come here and sit on Santa’s lap” kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
As I stated before – and I can’t actually emphasize this enough – Santa’s sex life does not involve children. Now that I’ve reiterated that, I’d like to say that Santa is all about bringing joy to children. He’s a big jolly guy. And there are very few adult humans in the traditional background characters of the Santa Claus mythos. Ignoring the elves, the flying reindeer, and the occasional talking snowman, the majority of Santa’s interaction with humans is with children. And – at heart – Santa is just a big goofy kid himself.
So when it’s time to strip down and climb into bed with an equally naked Mrs. Claus, it seems to me that age play would be a natural fetish for Santa to participate in. Santa and his wife sitting on the bed, playing with each other like children do. Non-sexual toys and games as a sort of pre-foreplay leading into I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. Which leads into other games of exploration and a lighthearted and youthful rendition of lovemaking.
And then the next, semi-related question is this: Does Santa have an open marriage? If Santa and the Missus are swingers, then Santa’s likely to see some age play in some of the other partners that he encounters. Most people who come face-to-face with Santa Claus would probably react to him in the only frame of reference that they have. Which is from their childhood. Which is a framework that Santa’s got to be used to by now. When Santa is at an orgy, I’m pretty sure he never asks, “Hey lady, could you please ride me cowgirl style.” I think that the actual question is, “So, little girl, would you like to sit on Santa’s ‘lap’?”
“He knows when you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” My friends and I would sometimes finish that verse, “He watches while you shower and it makes him masturbate.” Not an exact rhyme, but it was dirty, so what did we care?
Going back to that big old peeping tom telescope I mentioned, Santa Claus IS a voyeur. Regardless of whether or not he’s aroused by voyeurism. So if we’re going to sexualize Santa, we might as well let him get off on it when he spies naked adults romping around. Or a single naked adult masturbating. Or while he watches you shower.
Santa is going to bring you presents on Christmas eve. Just stay in bed if you hear me in your house. Oh, and leave your stockings where I can find them.
Yowza.
What more need be said?
Coal for the naughty girls and boys. A bundle of switches for the really naughty girls and boys. According to those traditions, Santa condones spanking as punishment. But does he also provide (or possibly receive) it for pleasure? He and the Missus are usually depicted as being the sort that would have nice plump buttocks just begging for a sensual impact of some sort.
Toys. Santa has got anywhere from a workshop to a series of workshops to a factory or factories producing toys. If Santa’s workshop can produce kid’s toys, they I’m sure it can produce adult’s toys as well. Even if your version of Santa only hands out handcrafted wooden toys. The modern plastic, silicone, and jelly dildo is the evolutionary descendents of the stone, wooden, and leather olisbo. Wooden toy? Leather toy? Easy for a handcrafted-style workshop. Same with anal beads. Nipple clamps. All sorts of fun things for kink-minded adults.
Down south of the North Pole, we decorate our houses for Christmas. Wreaths, ornaments, trees, candles, and so on. I’ve often wondered if these are year-round decorations where Santa lives. And if there are decorative Christmas candles in the Claus’ bedroom, if Santa ever tips one over to drip hot wax down on his wife’s erect nipple. (Or if she drips wax on him.)
Over the last three Sundays, I’ve talked about all kinds of different fusions of kink and Christmas. Wax play was one, but there were a bunch, everything from decorative cutting to food play to suspension bondage to blindfolds and sensation play and a whole bunch of others.
Any and all of that could be stuff that Santa’s into. Not even necessarily the specific fetishes themselves, but maybe just the Christmasy festive aspects of them.
Santa’s job requires him to fit his big old body into tight little spaces. Fat man, little chimney. Does that convert into a sexual desire to stick other large parts of him into tight spaces? I don’t know, but given that I’m turned on by the thought of fisting a woman, I’d certainly like to think so. “How does Santa fit down the chimney?” On the middle school playground, the answer to that question was always, “Vaseline”.
And then there are probably things that Santa is into that we can’t even conceive of.
He can deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls in the world in one night. Figure that ‘one night’ means from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am, and take into account that every time he travels west into a new time zone it gives him an additional hour on the clock. That gives him a ‘one night’ that’s something like 31 hours long. It still doesn’t seem long enough for the kind of massive delivery run that he’s doing.
Which means that there’s more to it than we understand. Some kind of magic, or technology, or mutant power, or combination of the above that allows him to get it done within the timeframe allotted. Something to make him move faster. Something to make time move slower. Something to make both happen at once, maybe. Who knows? All I know is that when I sit around daydreaming about having time travel powers, more often than not those daydreams turn into sex fantasies. There’s so much a dirty minded individual can do with control over time. And if Santa has even limited control over time, what kind of time-based fantasies have been building up in his dirty little mind as a result of it?
“He knows when you’ve been good or bad, so be good for goodness sake.” How does he know? Does he have an incredible espionage network gathering information? Or does he have psychic powers? Does he know your good/bad status simply by looking at you? Huh. What kind of weird sex desires would that ability bring out in an individual? I can’t even begin to guess.
Santa Claus is sometimes presented as existing as an immortal being. What does immortal mean? Unable to die of natural causes? Unable to die at all? Unable to age? Unable to get sick? Depending on how immortal he is, Santa might not have to worry about things like STDs. (And if Santa’s an immortal, wouldn’t the Missus be, too?) What kind of kinky sex would stem from immortality?
The man doesn’t just have a sex life, he’s an actual sex symbol. Which explains all of those guys on street corners wearing the suit and ringing the bell. All the guys in the shopping malls posing for photos with squirming, crying kids on their laps. Everyone else who puts on the uniform and performs some sort of seasonal duty each December.
They’ll tell you that they’re Santa. If they call you on it, they’ll admit that they’re really just one of Santa’s helpers, authorized to act in his stead. But if you want the truth . . . these Santa impersonators are just after some of the Santa fetishists that are horny for the big man with the sack of toys.
And if I had a Santa suit, I’d be right out there with them, trying to pick up a hot little Mrs. Claus wannabe for some Festive Fetish Frolicking.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
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